(I’m doing my shift at our family-owned store when my husband walks in unexpectedly with an armload of planks.)

Me: “What are you up to?”

Husband: “Oh, just lumbering around…”

(I keep aquariums. At one point I debate giving away my current fish so I can house a different type, and I mention it to a friend.)

Friend: “Well, you could always just flush them. I mean, all pipes lead to the ocean, right?”

Me: “…okay, first problem with that, they would first fall into an ocean of s***. Second problem, they’d end up in a treatment facility, which would kill them if they weren’t dead already. Third problem, they’re freshwater fish.”

(I ended up giving the few large cold-water fish I had to a fellow fish-keeper so I could get many small tropical fish. People, if you no longer want your pets, PLEASE don’t try to “release them to the wild!” They will either die or wreak havoc on the local ecosystem.)

(A couple with a five- or six-year-old daughter is browsing in my bookstore. After checking out the children’s books for a bit, the girl comes up to my desk.)

Girl: “I like your music. It’s catchy.”

(This may have been the first time the Beethoven String Quartets were described as “catchy”, but you have great taste, little girl!)

(I am six, and live in an area where most people live on remote plots of land, some of which are small farms. A couple people I know have goats for milk. One of my friends has two goats on their property, one of which is very aggressive and once knocked the wind out of me while I was helping milk it. One day I’m at their house, and their mom serves me soup. It tastes pretty good, and I’m enjoying it quite a bit, when I look over and see one of my friends pouting with her arms crossed.)

Me: “Why aren’t you eating any?”

Friend: “It’s beef soup.”

Me: “So? Beef is good.”

Friend: “No, not ‘beef,’ Beep! BEEP!”

(Beep was the name of her pet goat, the one that knocked the wind out of me. I looked down at my bowl, thought, “Well, I never liked her anyway,” shrugged, and kept eating. She was delicious.)

Customer: “Hi. I want some sandwich meat, but I’m on a diet, so I can’t have anything with too much salt.”

Me: “Well, our beef has no added salt, so that should work for you.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m lactose intolerant. Unless your beef only comes from boy cows?”