Follow That Bus!

, , , , , | Friendly | February 1, 2021

As I’m waiting at a red light in the left turn lane, I look lazily to my left to see a smartly-dressed older woman tottering as fast as she can to the street corner in her kitten heels. The light turns green, giving us a turning advance, including a bus two vehicles in front of me.

The bus passes the next bus stop and I look in my rearview mirror as the older woman finishes crossing the road and stops on the corner, deflated. I stop at the bus stop and wait for her to walk to the stop to catch the next bus.

Me: “Come on, get in. We’ll go catch the bus.”

Woman: “What? What do you mean?”

Me: “Come on. I’ll get you to a stop in front of the bus.”

The woman’s eyes light up and she pulls the door open and climbs in.

Woman: “Really?!”

Me: “Yeah, let’s go!”

Traffic is bad so we’re together for fifteen minutes while tailing the bus. She tells me that her husband has headed to the airport to pick up her sister and she wants to surprise her by being there, too. By missing the bus, she’ll miss the next SeaBus, which means she’ll be behind by half an hour and unlikely to make it.

Me: “Oh, the SeaBus? I’ll just take you straight there. Then you’ll have lots of time.”

Woman: “Oh, dear, no. I don’t want to take you out of your way.”

Me: “No, it’s no problem. I was just getting home from work, anyway.”

Woman: “Well, thank you. I hope I’m not taking you too far out of your way.”

I give her a quirky smile.

Me: “The SeaBus stop is in front of my house.”

She thanked me over and over, but it was barely even a thing for me. I was done with my work for the day and happy to drive around a bit on a chilly afternoon.


This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for February 2021!

Read the next Feel Good roundup for February 2021 story!

Read the Feel Good roundup for February 2021!

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She’s Just Jealous Because Her Left Hand Is Useless

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 26, 2021

I’m a Caucasian woman, and I’m rather lazily eating sushi and reading on my phone in a food court while waiting for a movie. Suddenly, a woman storms up to me, demanding angrily:

Woman: “Who are you trying to impress?”

Me: “I— What? No one.”

Woman: “Everyone can eat with chopsticks.”

Me: “Oh. Okay. Well, I’m just eating sushi. I’m not trying to impress anyone.”

Woman: “Yeah. ‘Cause everyone can eat with chopsticks.”

Me: “Okay. If everyone can use chopsticks, then how would I be trying to impress anyone?”

Woman: “You’re using your left hand!”

Me: “What? I’m left-handed.”

Woman: “That’s ridiculous.”

Me: “What?”

Woman: “Left-handed is for writing.”

Me: *Pause* “What?”

Woman: “Just because you write with your left hand, it doesn’t mean you have to show off.”

Me: “Seriously? I do everything with my left hand. I’m left-handed.”

Woman: “Left-handed people write with their left hand. You can do everything else normally. You shouldn’t show off.”

Me: “I— I’m sorry you think I’m showing off, but I really can’t use chopsticks with my right hand any more than you can with your left.”

She was so upset that I put my chopsticks and phone down and ate the last few pieces with my right-hand fingers.

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A Likely Story, Buddy Boy

, , , , , , , | Legal | January 16, 2021

I work in a big box store. As with many of these stores, we have a Loss Prevention Officer — someone in plain clothes, not a uniform, whose job it is to keep an eye out for theft and shoplifters.

One day, I am called upstairs to the manager’s room. Our LPO has caught a teenager attempting to steal several items, and, per store policy, they need an employee to sit with the LPO and the would-be thief while we await the police.

The young man is quite upset and is begging and pleading with the LPO to not call the police.

Young Man: “I’m a good kid ordinarily! This was just a momentary lapse in judgment! I’ve never done anything like this before, and I swear I never will again!”

The LPO and I both stare at him, unable to understand why he would even attempt this as a defense with the two items he attempted to steal lying on the table in front of him.

The items in question? A crowbar and bolt cutters.

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The Squeaky Wheel Gets A Promotion

, , , , , , | Working | January 15, 2021

I have a coworker who is just gross. He is an old fashioned good-ol-boy who makes crude jokes to the men in the office and asks the women inappropriate questions, guffawing at the discomfort he causes.

He comes to me at my desk one afternoon. I am overwhelmed with a sudden quick deadline and a headache growing above my eyes. As he starts his leading question, I jam my hand out at him, palm up, and bark:

Me: “Pay me!”

Gross Coworker: *Startled pause* “What?”

Me: “If you’re going to treat me like a whore, pay me.”

The whole bullpen of six women and two men freezes, all eyes on us.

Gross Coworker: “I’m not… What?”

Me: “A dollar a word; ‘a’ and ‘the’ count as words. Numbers count as words, too.”

I am laying the rules out off the top of my head, hand out and never wavering.

Gross Coworker: “I wasn’t—”

Me: “Okay, then, what?”

Gross Coworker: “Well, nothing now.”

He storms away.

Two days later, [Gross Coworker] comes to me to ask if I know why the printer isn’t printing his work. It’s a legitimate question, as I’m the coordinator of the department where the printer is located, even though it is used by many departments, including [Gross Coworker]’s. As he talks, I’m mouthing numbers.

Gross Coworker: “What are you doing?!”

Me: “I’m counting words.”

Gross Coworker: “What? No! This is work-related.”

Me: “I’ll decide what’s work-related and deduct it.”

[Gross Coworker] stormed away, back down the hallway. I went over to check the printer; it was out of paper, so I refilled it and it hummed back to life.

The next week, our floor was pulled into an HR meeting about creating a hostile work environment. I stood up after the presentation, when the floor was opened for questions, and thanked them for their concern but explained that the hostile work environment had died down the week before; heads nodded around the table along with murmured agreement.

Weeks later, [Gross Coworker] was gone but only from our floor. He’d been promoted to a higher floor where he would no longer be interacting with us — well, me, mainly, I guess.

Putting up with him for years, we got nothing but a hatred of gross men. He then squeaked his wheel and moved up the ladder.

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Doctors Are Braver When You Can’t Slap Them

, , , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2021

Because my Crohn’s Disease has decided to rear its ugly head again after a long period of remission, I am having a conference call with my gastroenterologist and another doctor, both personable young women. The connection is, unfortunately, rather sketchy. The doctors have taken turns gathering information from me and discussing treatment options.

At one point, I can’t quite believe what I think my gastroenterologist has said.

Me: “I’m sorry, could you please repeat that?”

Gastroenterologist: “I said we need to get a handle on this, because you’re still so young.”

Me: *Laughing* “I thought you said, ‘Because you’re still so dumb.’”

All three of us cracked up for a bit. I’m sixty-three and being called young was rather refreshing.

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