Being A Jerk Is In Her Nature

, , , , , | Friendly | August 23, 2020

There is a nature preserve near my house with a path all around a lake and a floating bridge across one section of it. For a long time, it was made of wood, but in the past few years, it has been replaced with a man-made material. It is constructed of many separate sections to accommodate for shifts in water level, with ramped metal connections in between.

One day, when I’m walking the loop, I decide to take a picture of a duck that is standing no more than two feet from me, completely chill with my presence. I hear someone approaching on the bridge — the connectors unfortunately make a lot of noise when stepped on — think nothing of it, and keep snapping away.

Then, the approaching woman addresses me.

Woman: “The kids must love this, huh?”

Me: *Smiling* “Yeah, they—”

The woman SLAMS her foot on the next metal connector.

Woman: “Such a nice sound, isn’t it?”

I just stare at her, shocked, as she walks to the next one.

Woman: “Coming out here to enjoy the nature and—” *SLAM* “—scaring all the birds away!” *SLAM* “It’s just so nice, isn’t it?” *SLAM*

She proceeded to stomp on every single connector for the entire rest of the bridge, raising her knee to hip-height each time for maximum stompage, repeating her complaints to every single group on the bridge, some of which included small children that never made a peep.

Eventually, she rounded a corner behind some brush, but even a hundred feet away, I could still hear her stomping and complaining all the way back to land.

Relieved to know someone was setting such a good example for the next generation as to how they should act in nature, I turned back to my duck. For some reason, she’d flown away. How odd.

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Mom Has Some Half-Baked Attitudes Here

, , , , , | Related | August 20, 2020

My parents are visiting and my mother has offered to go with me to the grocery store. My husband has written out the list and one of the items is “baking sheet”. I go to the kitchenware aisle and pick up, well, a baking sheet: a flat metal pan with raised edges.

Mom: “That’s not on the list.”

Me: “Yes, it is. See? ‘Baking sheet.’”

Mom: “Well, clearly, that’s not what [Husband] meant.”

Me: “But it is.”

Mom: “Why would he tell you to buy a cookie sheet?”

Me: “Because we need one?”

Mom: “He must have meant something else.”

Me: “What else could he have meant?”

Mom: “I’m sure he means parchment paper.”

Me: “Then why didn’t he write parchment paper on the list?”

Mom: “You know how men are; they forget what things are called all the time and then they get grumpy when you bring home the wrong thing. Your father does it constantly.”

Me: “Dad might, but [Husband] doesn’t. And I’m buying a baking sheet because I had an unfortunate encounter with the barbecue last week and wrecked our only one, which is why [Husband] put it on the list.”

Mom: “You should still buy some parchment paper just in case.”

I did not buy parchment paper, and my husband was pleased to have a replacement for the charred remains of our last baking sheet.

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Pepsi Vs Coke: The Great War Of Our Time, Part 2

, , , | Right | August 18, 2020

I approach a table of six in their early twenties. After greeting them, I take drink orders.

Customer #1: “Can I get a Coke?”

Me: “Is Pepsi okay?”

Customer #1: “Sure.”

Me: *To [Customer #2]* “And for you?”

Customer #2: “Can I get a Coke?”

Me: “Is Pepsi okay?”

Customer #2: “Sure.”

Me: *To [Customer #3]* “And for you?”

Customer #3: “Can I get a Coke?”

Me: *Sighs* “Sure.”

Later, I drop off refills.

Me: “And here’s a refill on your Pepsi.”

Customer #3: “It was a Coke.”

I reply over my shoulder as I’m walking away.

Me: “No, it wasn’t.”

Related:
Pepsi Vs Coke: The Great War Of Our Time

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A Quarter’s Twenty-Five Cents; Kindness Is Priceless

, , , , , , | Learning | August 17, 2020

When I was in middle school, cell phones weren’t yet common, and nobody my age had one yet. I ate lunch near the one payphone in my school.

One lunchtime, there was a guy asking everyone if they had a quarter he could borrow since he needed to call his parents for whatever reason. I always had a few, due to missing the bus semi-regularly, so I gave him one. He thanked me, promised to pay me back, and then walked away, and I promptly forgot all about it.

I’m not sure how many days or weeks later it was when I was surprised at lunch by this random guy coming up to me and handing me a quarter!

It seems like such a small thing, but just the fact that he remembered me and paid me back, when he really didn’t have to, meant enough for me to still remember it clearly to this day.

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It’s A Man’s World; The Women Are Just Here To Fix It

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 14, 2020

I’m a man and have two roommates, both also men. One of my roommates buys a huge jar of sauerkraut but can’t get it open. It sits in our kitchen for a while until my sister comes over.

Sister: “What’s with the jar?”

Roommate #1: “I’ve been trying to open it, but no matter how hard I try, it stays stuck.”

Sister: “Oh, is that all? Here’s what you do.”

She takes the jar, bangs the lid against the counter, and easily unscrews the lid.

A couple of weeks later, my girlfriend is over and we’re cooking dinner. 

Me: “I wish the cover for this knife fit it better.”

The blade of the knife meets the handle at a forty-five-degree angle, and the cover is all right angles, leaving a small piece of the blade exposed.

My girlfriend takes a pair of scissors and cuts a piece off diagonally so the knife fits completely inside the cover. 

A few weeks after that, my roommates and I are having trouble with our front door sticking as we go in and out. We try a number of things but none of them help. 

Roommate #2: “You guys know what we have to do here. Obviously, the solution is to invite over a competent woman and have her solve the issue in two seconds.”


This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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Read the Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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