(I am standing at my cash register.)

Me: “All right, that will be [price]. Debit or credit today?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “All right.” *taps my debit button* “That should be ready for you.”

Customer: “Oh, I need a bottle opener for this.”

Me: “We do have those.”

(The customer grabs it and puts it in with his paid-for product. I take the item back from him.)

Me: “It costs [price].”

(He pays for his product and walks off, muttering just within hearing.)

Customer: “Jeez, can’t get anything for free anymore…”

(I teach grades four and five. On this occasion, I’m talking to them about what’s coming up the next day. Our art lessons this term have been about art through history: cave paintings, Egyptian hieroglyphics, etc. Next up is a project on ancient Roman mosaics, but they don’t know that yet. There is also a boy in the class named Roman.)

Me: “Tomorrow should be a pretty awesome day. We have science first thing, and then we’ll be doing some art until recess. I’m really excited about this project; it’ll take a while, but you’re going to end up with something pretty cool.”

Student #1: “What are we going to be doing?”

Me: “It’s a surprise; you’ll find out tomorrow.”

Student #2: “Can you give us a hint?”

Me: “Oh, all right. Well, given that we’ve been studying historical art, your hint is… Roman…” *emphasizes the child’s name and says it slowly* “…might really enjoy this one.”

Students: *silence*

(They didn’t get it! I had to repeat his name twice more before someone went, “Oh, ROME!” They’re a great class, but they’re not always quick on the uptake.)

(I am by the till, working on putting out more Christmas gift-bag stock, when I notice a lady in line for the cashier. In her arms is a blanket with a $10 clearance price on it — originally $19.99.)

Customer: “Is this part of your blanket deal?”

(The deal is fleece blankets for $4.99 instead of $9.99. I am the expert in that area and am not too far away, so I answer for the clerk.)

Me: “No, that blanket is a different make and is being ‘clearanced’ off. It has its price on it.”

(The customer thanks the cashier and leaves the blanket with her as she leaves. When she passes me on her way out the door she glares at me.)

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you just answer me when I was in line?”

(I was baffled. Apparently, she expected me to use telepathy and answer her question before even asking one?)

(I work in a café as a barista. The café is a chain, but my store is just a small kiosk inside a grocery store. Almost all of our customers are people who just stop to get a coffee while getting their groceries, so we don’t get very busy. Most days I work the evening shift alone as I only get a handful of customers per hour and there is no need to have anyone else there with me. This means I have to work the till and the espresso machine myself. I am working one night when a regular customer comes in with his grocery shopping and orders multiple drinks to take home to his family. I ring him up, give him his change, and walk over to the espresso machine to start making his drinks. Another customer with a stroller walks up to the till. I smile at her.)

Me: “Hi there. I’ll be with you in just a few minutes; I’m working alone tonight.”

Customer: “I’ll have a cookie.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am. I just need to finish off the drinks I’m making for this customer, and then I’ll be right with you.”

(She immediately starts huffing and tapping her nails on the counter, making a big show of the fact that she has to wait. I’m trying to avoid looking at her but I finally do have to look over to make sure no one else is waiting behind her. As soon as she sees me look in her direction, she tries to get my attention.)

Customer: “I’ll have a cookie, please!”

Me: “I’ll be able to get your cookie in a moment, just as soon as I’m done making these drinks.”

(By this time, all the espresso is done brewing and I’m just adding the steamed milk and toppings to the drinks. I probably would be another two minutes, but she carries on.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I want my cookie now! Why can’t you stop making the drinks and come sell me a cookie?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s company policy that when only one person is working, we need to finish each order before taking a new one. Otherwise, if I got busy, I could end up standing at the till taking orders forever with no one to make them. It’s the way my manager wants things done, and it’s my job to listen.”

Customer: *starts yelling and swearing* “I’ll be talking to your manager about how rude and lazy you are! My son wants a cookie and we want it now!”

(Her son starts to cry because her yelling has woken him up.)

Customer: “See?! You’ve upset him! My little boy has waited all day for his chocolate chip cookie and now you’re telling me he can’t have one!”

Me: “Ma’am, I never said he can’t have one—“

Customer: “Forget it! I’m calling your manager and I’m having you fired!”

(She stormed off in a huff and I handed the now-finished drinks to my first customer, who said something about being sorry I have to deal with people like that. I made a note in our communication binder about what happened in case she does complain to corporate about me, but she didn’t. Thankfully, I never saw her again.)

(I’m a manager at a storage facility. We get mostly mundane calls, but two in a row give me pause. First call, the caller ID doesn’t identify the caller as a current customer of our business.)

Me: “Good morning. [Storage Facility]; this is [My Name].”

Caller: *silence for two seconds* “I’m supposed to have a TV delivered.”

Me: “Sir, you’ve called a storage facility… Do you have a unit with us?”

(Sometimes, rarely, we’ll accept large parcel deliveries and hold them in the office if the person has a unit, or, important to this story, a mailbox.)

Caller: “You see, it’s supposed to be delivered on Wednesday.”

Me: “Sir, if you don’t have a unit with us, we don’t offer that kind of service.”

Caller: “Someone might not be home at the address in question. I just want to know if there’s a time the guy will be here.”

Me: “Sir, you’ve called a storage facility.”

Caller: “Do you know when my TV will be delivered? Can you tell me?”

Me: “Sir. I believe you have the wrong number. You’ve called a storage facility. We don’t deliver televisions.”

Caller: “You’re not Canada Post?”

Me: “No, sir, we are not.”

Caller: “But you’re under postal.”

Me: “Yes, sir, because we offer mailbox services. We are not affiliated with Canada Post.”

Caller: “Oh. You can’t tell me when my television will be delivered?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. I cannot.”

Caller: “But you’re listed under postal…”

(The caller hung up, still muttering about how we should be Canada Post if we’re listed under postal. I then got another call from a delivery company, asking how they could make an appointment to deliver something to one of my customers that I didn’t have a standing order to accept deliveries for. I couldn’t help him, either, except to direct him to call the customer and arrange for them to bring a key to their locker.)