Being A Real Boob

, , , , , | Friendly | September 22, 2020

I have a friend who’s a little bit… off. She means well, but she sometimes goes in strange directions.

Friend: “It’s weird that they call it coconut milk. I mean, at least with almond milk or oat milk, they were deliberately trying to make something like milk, but coconuts just have the stuff inside them already.”

Me: “Right, but it is similar to milk.”

Friend: “Yes, but people from some cultures wouldn’t know that, not before they made contact with Europeans.”

Me: “Wouldn’t know what?”

Friend: “What milk is.”

Me: *Confused pause* “Why wouldn’t they know that?”

Friend: “Well, they didn’t have cows.”

Me: “Okay, but even if they had no domestic animals at all, they’d still know what milk is.”

Friend: “How could they possibly know that?”

Me: “[Friend]. Humans make milk.”

Friend: “Not without animals! Where would they get it from?”

Me: “From their boobs?”

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Ah, Mothers, Part 9

, , , , , | Related | September 20, 2020

My husband and I are Canadian. When our daughter is eight months old, we drive to British Columbia to stay with my parents for a while, and then we plan to drive to Seattle and stay there for a day or two. This, for some reason, gives my mother a great deal of anxiety.

Mum: “I do wish you’d change your mind about going to Seattle.”

Me: “Why? [Husband] and I spent some time there on our honeymoon and we really liked it. We wanted to revisit some of the places we remember.”

Mum: “It’s the United States, though.”

Me: “And?”

Mum: “Someone might kidnap [Daughter].”

Me: “What? She’s no more likely to be kidnapped there than she is here.”

Mum: “Well, what if you leave her outside in her stroller while you and [Husband] are shopping? Someone could grab her!”

Me: “Are you kidding? I would never do that in a million years, no matter where I was!”

Mum: *Not listening* “Please, just promise me that you won’t leave her outside a shop alone in her stroller.”

Me: “Sure, Mum. You have my word.”

I thought that was the end of it, but no. Both Mum and Dad tackled my husband separately and begged him to get me to change my mind about going to Seattle. He politely told them that our plans were not going to change. We had a wonderful time there, by the way, and our daughter wasn’t kidnapped.

Related:
Ah, Mothers, Part 8
Ah, Mothers, Part 7
Ah, Mothers, Part 6
Ah, Mothers, Part 5
Ah, Mothers, Part 4

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Unfiltered Story #208784

, , | Unfiltered | September 19, 2020

So, I’ve been serving at a family sports restaurant for about 4 years now. We have always had 4 different types of chicken wings. (Friend, breaded, oven roasted, or all meat [aka boneless]). Now… I’ve had people ask for the “regular” way, which in all honesty, there is none because it depends on where you normally go.

On this late evening, I was basically done with stupid customers but this person’s stupidity just took the cake. Keep in mind, ordering CHICKEN wings. So I ask them what kind they would like and list them off as per usual.

Me: And how would you like your wings cooked? Oven roasted, friend, breaded, or all meat?
Customer: what’s all meat? Is that like… Beef?
Me: ……. *Deep breath* no, they’re chicken wings.
Customer: Oh, that makes sense I guess.

Umm… What? You guess? They’re chicken wings for goodness sake!

We Hope She Likes Walking Home

, , , , , , | Right | September 15, 2020

A customer brings an item to the till. It comes to about $16, and when she opens her wallet I clearly see a $20 bill. She puts down $2.

Customer: *Whining* “That’s all I have! Is that okay? Can I take it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I need the full amount.”

I don’t mention that I saw a twenty in her wallet. She puts down a few dollars more.

Me: “I still need the full amount.”

Customer: *Still whining* “But I need money for the bus!”

This continued for quite a while until she finally paid the actual amount for the item and left.

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No Speed Test For You!

, , , , | Working | September 14, 2020

At my workstation, the computer I am using is acting balky and sluggish when I try to process customer’s orders, so I try using a popular speed test website to test my connection. I am getting approximately 900kB down and 100kB up while all the terminals around me are getting a typical 5MB down and 640kB up. It’s clearly a connection problem, so I put in a trouble ticket to the people in IT.

The next morning, I come in and my computer is still sluggish, so I go to run a speed test and a message advises I do not have authorization to access that website. This time, I phone someone in IT.

Me: “Hi. I’ve reported a problem with my workstation computer and now I’m not able to access [website] to run a speed test. What’s wrong?”

IT: “One moment, I’ll check… Ah, yes, you don’t have authorization to access that website.”

Me: “Oh, really? I put in a trouble ticket explaining that there is something wrong with my connection and your department’s solution is to take away my ability to prove it’s broken? You will give me access to [website] again so I can prove to you there is a problem.”

IT: “I don’t have the authority to give you access to [website]; only a manager does.”

Me: “I don’t care. I am not letting this call go until I have access to [website] back.”

Disconnecting on an internal call can bring down real grief on whoever does it.

IT: “I’m going to call my supervisor.”

A few minutes later…

Supervisor: “I’ve been advised that you want access to [website]?”

Me: “Yes.”

I repeat what I told the IT tech.

Me: “Now, get my access back so I can prove my system is broken, and then you can get someone to fix it. I’ll wait.”

The supervisor authorizes me to have access to [website] again, and I run the speed test and give him the numbers.

Me: “Now that you have the information, do you mind getting someone to fix my system this time?”

Supervisor: “We’ll have someone look into it.”

Me: “Thank you.”

It turned out I had a bad port on the server and it had to be replaced. Afterward, my workstation performed normally.

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