(I have been dating my boyfriend for two years when our milkman asks me out. He and I are close to the same age, and he’s been delivering our milk for years.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I have a boyfriend.”

(A couple of weeks later he tries again.)

Milkman: “Hey. I spoke to your ‘boyfriend’ and he said it was all right for you to go out with me.”

Me: “What the h***? You really think I’m going to stuff up a two-year-long relationship on that?”

(He starts dating my best friend for a few months. She dumps him because he’s too clingy, telling me that I was lucky to avoid that. A couple of years later I get married and am back at my mother’s place for visit when he arrives to deliver the milk.)

Milkman: “Hey, [My Name]. Where have you been?”

Me: “I got married.”

Milkman: “Oh… How is it?”

Me: “Well, I’m back here”

Milkman: “Oh, how about you and I…”

Me: “I’m joking; I’m just here for a visit.”

Milkman: “Oh…”

(There are about four children running wild through our shop. The mother is taking no notice of them so I request that they stop. We have glass items and metal shelves that could do damage if someone knocks the safety cap off, which is quite easy to do.)

Me: “Please don’t run in the store; you may hurt yourselves.”

Mother: “Don’t you tell my children what they might do; they need to learn for themselves. When they get hurt they will learn.”

Me: “But I was just trying to make sure they don’t get hurt.”

Mother: “Well, if they don’t get hurt they won’t believe you; they have to get hurt first, and then you can tell them not to do it. Don’t tell my kids not to do something before they get hurt.” *leaves shop*

(I am a shift runner at a popular pizza chain store. A customer comes in to preorder ten pizzas from our $12.99 pizza range. She demands a 50% discount because it is a large order. My manager refuses to give her such a large discount, so the customer storms off in a huff. A few days later, a preorder for ten of our $12.99 pizzas appears in our ordering system with a 50% discount applied to it. My manager freaks out and calls the customer to tell her there has been a mistake. Unsurprisingly, it is the lady who was in earlier demanding a discount. My manager informs her that she cannot give her a 50% discount and that the customer will be charged $12.99 per pizza. The customer begrudgingly agrees to pay the full price. The customer arrives to pick up her order on a Saturday at six pm. This is one of our busiest times, so the store is packed.)

Customer: “I’m here to pick up an order for [Customer].”

Coworker: “Fantastic. That comes to $129.90.”

Customer: “What the f***? Are you f****** kidding me? I was told I was getting a 50% discount became it is a large order. Get me your f****** manager, you stupid little b****!”

(My manager appears to talk to the customer.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I told you in person and over the phone that you would be charged $129.90.”

Customer: “You lying little b****! When I called your store to place this order, I was told I would get a discount! This is fraud! This is false advertising! My daughter is a lawyer and I will sue you! I will close this place down!”

Manager: “Ma’am, please calm down. You’re making a scene in front of all these other customers. Do you want your order, or would you like to leave?”

Customer: “I have a house full of kids for my grandson’s birthday! I don’t have time to get anything else. Give me my f****** order!”

Manager: “That will be $129.90.”

(The customer hands over her credit card and pays, all the while swearing and telling my manager she will sue the company.)

Customer: “I am only paying for these because you didn’t give me a choice. F*** you all! I am going to [Competitor] from now on, and you will be hearing from my daughter!”

Manager: “That’s fantastic. Now get out of my shop and never come back.”

(The lady stormed out with her order. It turns out she had tried the same thing at our sister store and failed. When she called to place the order at our store, she had made sure the manager was not there, and then berated one of my fifteen-year-old coworkers until she gave her the discount. Luckily for us, she is now our competitor’s problem.)

(I work in a Christian bookstore. We don’t have a dedicated lunchroom. All staff use a table and chairs which are set up behind the store, in front of the shipping container we use as storage. [Coworker #1] and  [Coworker #2] are both male and I am female. Both coworkers rush inside laughing, looking shocked.)

Me: “What’s happening?”

Coworker #2: “You will not believe what is happening out there!”

Me: “What?!”

Coworker #1: “Okay, first of all, [Coworker #2] and I were out there eating lunch. Nothing special. And I looked up to that tall building on the corner. There were people pressed against the glass, looking down our way! One even had binoculars! I thought, ‘What’s so interesting about a black man and a white man eating lunch?!’”

Coworker #2: “He’s not kidding! It was nuts! I thought, ‘What the h*** could they be looking at?’ So, I looked over my shoulder and leaned my chair back a bit to take a look behind the container.”

(Both coworkers start giggling again.)

Me: “And? What?!”

Coworker #2: “There are people back there. Having sex!”

(I gape at him in disbelief.)

Coworker #1: “He’s not kidding. They are having sex!”

Me: “I suddenly need to put this box here in the bin out back.”

(I walk out the back to put the item in the bin, glance over, and yes, there are people having sex on the very hard and sharp rocks between the storage container and the fence. I rush inside and wander in disbelief into the office.)

Me: *to the manager* “Um, [Manager]? There are people having sex behind the container.”

Manager: “What?!”

Me: “Seriously. [Coworker #1] and [Coworker #2] were out the back having lunch and just told me, and I saw for myself.”

(Our manager takes off out the back and I follow. She stops at the end of the container and just looks at them in disbelief.)

Manager: “I don’t think that’s very appropriate, do you?”

Sex-Man: “Yeah, probably, but we’re almost done.”

(The manager walks back inside, not quite knowing what to do. About two minutes later, they wander out from behind the store, wander INTO the store, browse for a while, and then leave.)

Me: *to the manager later* “I think we may have just won the ‘Crazy Work Story’ competition for all time.”

(The phone rings a couple of minutes after closing.)

Customer: “Hey, are you anywhere near me?”

Me: “I don’t know where you are.”

Customer: *talking to friends in the background* “Where are we?” *to me* “Someplace starting with T…” *relates suburb about five minutes’ drive away*

Me: “Yes, you’re about five minutes away but—”

Customer: *interrupts* “Sweet! What time do you close?”

Me: “Actually, we closed about five minutes ago.”

Customer: “Oh, man! My favourite store is closed! I’m a sad panda.” *click*