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Likely Not A Fan Of Spell Checking

, , , , , , , | Right | November 15, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “I want to return this laptop I bought from you yesterday.”

Me: “Oh, really? Why? Is there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yes there is! It has witchcraft in it!”

Me: “Witchcraft?”

Customer: “Yes! When I tried to install a program on it, it said it was starting a wizard. Wizards and witchcraft are evil! I don’t know why you would sell such things at a store like this!”

Me: “Ma’am, a ‘wizard’ on a computer is just the name of the program that helps the install process. It makes it quick so that it is like magic, hence the name ‘wizard’.”

Customer: “I don’t care about your make-believe hullabaloo religion! It goes against my beliefs to have anything to do with that type of thing! Now give me my refund so I can be out of this evil place!”

Me: “Sure, ma’am, this way.”

Read Her Lips

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2010

(I am scanning a customer’s order when I notice she is buying a $30 lip-gloss that is also being given away with a magazine).

Me: “Miss, if you’d like to buy [Magazine] for $7.20, you get this exact lip-gloss free inside.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the magazine. I just want the lip-gloss.”

Me: “I understand, but even if you give the magazine away, you still get the lip-gloss for $7.20 and save $22.80.”

Customer: “Do I look like a charity? I’m not going to give away a $7 magazine. Haven’t you heard of saving money?”

Me: “Well, yes, what I’m saying is you can save money by buying the magazine–”

Customer: “Stop trying to rip me off and scan my lip-gloss!”

(I ring up her lip-gloss for $30 and she storms off. The next customer puts the same magazine on the counter.)

Next Customer: “I don’t want it either, but I have half a brain.”

Exchanges At This Rate Will Get You Nowhere

, , , , | Right | July 8, 2010

Customer: “I need to pay this bill and the bank said I had to come to the post office.”

Me: “Okay, that will be $625.80.”

Customer: “No, it’s $500.”

Me: “No, it’s $500 US. In Australian dollars, that’s $625.80.”

Customer: “No, it says right there it’s $500. You are just discriminating against my daughter!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “How else can you justify a $125 fee?”

Me: “Our fee is $8; the Australian dollar is only around .8 of the American dollar.”

Customer: “So what you are saying is, I would be better off paying a thousand dollars?”

(This continues for some minutes until an old lady in line behind the customer speaks up.)

Old Lady: “I’m going to have to go to another post office. This will never get resolved. This woman is just too stupid to live!”


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No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | April 13, 2010

Me: “Welcome, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, what’s the time in the UK now?”

Me: “It’s 9:00 pm. They’re ten hours behind.”

Customer: “Oh, so if I call the UK in another half hour, what time will it be?”

Me: “It’ll be 9:30 pm.”

Customer: “You mean if half an hour passes here, it will also be half an hour later there?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: *surprised* “Oh! So, that’s how it works?”

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude

Tricky Customers Are Just Killer, Part 2

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2010

(I am sitting on a well-known whale-watching beach gathering data on migration numbers. I have a pair of binoculars.)

Tourist: “When are you going to put up the flags?”

Me: “Oh, no, I am not a lifesaver.”

Tourist: “Of course you are. Who else sits on a beach with binoculars?”

Me: “Actually, I am recording how many whales go by.”

Tourist: “Whales? There are no whales here. This is a swimming beach.”

(I gesture to a pod of six whales passing around 50 meters away.)

Tourist: “Oh, my goodness, killer whales! My children are on the beach! They could come right out of the water and steal my children!”

Me: “Um, no, they’re humpbacks. They eat tiny little fish and plankton. They can’t come up on the beach, so your children are safe.”

Tourist: “Don’t you know about Moby Dick? He eats people alive. It’s true! It’s in the Bible!” *takes his children and leaves*


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