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She Also Speaks Ironic

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2013

(I manage a fast food restaurant. I’m currently serving a customer who is from East Asia. She is clearly new to the country, as she is having significant trouble with the transaction, and I’m finding it difficult to communicate. My coworker steps in.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, where are you from?”

Asian Customer: “I am from Korea.”

(Suddenly, the next customer in line speaks up.)

Customer: “Racist! You’re a racist!”

Coworker: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “I said you’re a racist! It doesn’t matter where this young lady comes from; she should be welcome in your store. You should feel ashamed!”

(The shouting customer turns to me.)

Customer: “You! Do something about her!”

Me: “I absolutely agree. You see, my coworker here is studying for a master’s degree in Asian studies. She was just asking because she could process this transaction in Korean, Japanese, Mandarin, Cantonese, or Indonesian, and didn’t want to look like an idiot by making an assumption about someone she didn’t know.”


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Lighten My Load, Moisten My Road

, , , , | Right | April 20, 2012

(Our photo developing machine requires regular water refills, which we get by filling a 20-liter jug in the staff room and carrying it across the large sales floor back to the machine. Most of the staff fill it halfway or use a trolley, but it’s much quicker to just fill it all the way and carry it, which is what I do.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. I just need to squeeze past you for a moment.”

Customer: *sees me carrying the 20-liter jug* “Oh, my God! Do they make you carry that? That’s too heavy for a little girl like you!”

Me: “It’s fine, ma’am. It’s only 20 kilos, and I’m only carrying it across the store. If you could just move to one side of the aisle, I’ll be able to put it down soon, too.”

Customer: “But one of the boys should be doing that! A girl can’t carry all that! And you’re so tiny!”

Me: “Well, I actually do this pretty regularly, so I guess it doesn’t really matter if I’m a girl or—”

Customer: “Here!”

(Without warning, she slams both her hands into the bottom of the jug so it hits me in the face. The jug sloshes water all over me, the aisle, and the jug, making it very slippery, and leaves me both bruised and uncomfortable.)

Customer: “There! Now at least it’s a bit lighter.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “You’re welcome!”


This story is part of our Women’s Equality Day roundup!

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A Complete Debarkle

, , , | Right | March 9, 2011

(I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”


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Floods Cause A Whole Raft Of Problems

, , , , , | Right | February 11, 2011

(Queensland is suffering major flooding throughout the state. I’m tracking a customer’s order that was placed last week and still hasn’t arrived.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve tracked your order with our courier. Unfortunately, due to flooding there are a lot of road closures which is why your order has not been delivered.”

Customer: “But it’s not even raining that much, and the water isn’t that high in the streets.”

Me: “I am sorry for any inconvenience but the courier can not risk driving through flood water.”

(Long pause.)

Customer: “So it won’t be here today?”

Me: “Not unless you have a boat.”


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D’ohpe, Part 2

, , , , , | Legal Right | January 12, 2011

(I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defense under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”


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