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Really Feline This Coffee

, , , | Working | December 1, 2017

(I’m in the kitchen at work, making a cup of adequate instant coffee. There’s only a little bit of milk left in the jug so I resolve to use it all, which results in a cup which is almost full to the brim. Realising I won’t be able to carry it over to my desk, but being too early for rational thought, I decide my best course of action is to lean over the bench and sip the top of my coffee until I’m able to carry it. As I perform this task, my supervisor walks into the kitchen. )

Supervisor: “Um… what?”

Me: “My coffee is too full!”

Supervisor: “Oh! I assumed you’ve just been spending too much time with your cat and you finally snapped! Is there any milk left?”

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Bet You Dollars To Donuts He’s After Free Donuts

, , , , , | Right | November 30, 2017

(I work in a fast food restaurant. A woman comes in, visibly shaking with anger. Still, she’s polite to us, so we assume she’s angry at someone other than us. There are two of us here at the moment as it is shift changeover; normally only one person is there at a time.)

Customer: “I’ll have two doughnuts, please.”

Me: *hands over doughnuts* “That will be [price].”

Customer: “Do you have a phone number or website that I could register a complaint with?”

Me: “I’m the manager on duty; is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “I was in here last week and the guy behind the counter was really rude to me! I asked for some doughnuts and he told me to eff off!”

Me: “I’m very sorry you had this experience, but there aren’t any men who work here. There’s only three of us, and we’re all females. Do you remember what time this was?”

Customer: “I was coming home from dropping my husband at the airport, so it was around 10:00 pm.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but I’m quite confused. We close at 8:00 pm and throw out remaining stock. Are you sure it was this store?”

Customer: *getting very angry now* “Yes! I took a photo and everything! He was really rude; you’re lucky I bothered coming back!”

Me: “I’ll direct you to our website where you’ll be able to register your complaint with the photo. I really don’t know what to say; as I explained, there’s only three females who work here and we close at 8:00 pm.”

(I called my boss and explained what had happened. As far as we both know, the customer never formally complained nor showed us the photo.)

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Sharing Is Consciously Caring

, , , , | Working | October 6, 2017

(It’s early morning, and we are making ourselves some breakfast before we start working. One of my coworkers is of an ethnicity where the sharing of food is of utmost importance. She will not eat her food without offering it to others, even if she only just has enough for herself. She has just made herself some toast.)

Coworker #1: “[My Name], would you like some?” *holds out her plate*

Me: “No, thanks. You eat it.”

Coworker #1: *pushing plate towards me* “Are you sure you don’t want some?”

Me: “Yes, I am; I have my own food on the table.”

(Another coworker comes into the room.)

Coworker #1: “[Coworker #2], would you like some toast?” *holds out plate*

Coworker #2: “Yes, please. I didn’t get anything for breakfast today because I thought I was going to be late.” *reaches out for a piece*

(I watch in amusement as [Coworker #1]’s hand moves the plate away as it is reached for. [Coworker #2] puts down her hand.)

Coworker #1: “Aren’t you going to take it?”

(Again, [Coworker #1] pushes the plate towards [Coworker #2], and again the plate is withdrawn as [Coworker #2]’s hand moves towards it. [Coworker #2] has a confused look on her face as she puts her hand down.)

Me: “You can have some of mine; I still have more in the packet on the table.”

Coworker #2: “Thanks.” *starts moving towards the table*

Coworker #1: *starting to get agitated* “Why won’t you take some?”

Coworker #2: “I didn’t think you wanted me to have a piece.”

Coworker #1: “I’ve been trying to give you the whole plate and you won’t take it.”

Coworker #2: “I only wanted a piece.” *she is finally able to take a piece of toast*

(I could see that [Coworker #1] had no idea that she was doing what she had been doing; it was obvious that subconsciously she did not want to share!)

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This Extra Working Just Isn’t Working

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2017

(I have put up with months of my manager coming in late to relieve me. When he’s on time, he sneaks in and goes straight to the office without telling me. It’s always a different excuse for being late, and when I do find him, he tells me he’s just about to come and find me. This usually means I’ve worked an extra half hour or more because I can’t leave until he takes over as manager. After getting an hour cut from my shift, I still find myself working until my original finishing time and not being paid for it because the budget doesn’t allow for extra. I finally have had enough, so I give my two weeks notice. It’s my last day, and I’ve noticed that it’s now ten minutes after my shift officially ended. I had been wondering whether I should just withdraw my resignation.)

Me: *thinking to myself* “It’s bad enough I’m working extra again; I don’t even work here now and I’m still working.”

(About five minutes later, I look up to see the manager coming in. It’s obvious he’s trying to avoid me seeing him.)

Me: *loudly* “Hi, [Manager]!”

Manager: *startled, almost spills the coffees he is carrying* “Oh, hi, [My Name]. I’m late, because I just got you a goodbye coffee.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice of you. Thanks.” *takes a coffee to find it’s almost stone cold*

Manager: “I have to ask: do you really have to go? Can I talk you into staying?”

Me: *sips the cold coffee* “Hmmm… Nope”.


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The Grass Might Be Greener If They Had Smarter Friends

, , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2017

(A friend has been telling us about his trip back to where he was born.)

Friend: “That sounds so sweet. It makes me think of that song, Green, Green Grass of Home.” *starts singing the first verse* “It’s such a lovely song.”

Me: “But that song is about an execution.”

Friend: “Where did you hear that from? No, it’s not; it’s a lovely song. I’ve been singing it for years.”

Me: “Try singing the last verse.”

Friend: *singing* “Then I awake and look around me,

At four grey walls that surround me,

And I realize, yes, I was only dreaming,

For there’s a guard and there’s a sad old padre,

Arm in arm, we’ll walk at daybreak,

Again I touch the green, green grass of home.”

*stops singing*  “What’s wrong with that?”

Me: *internally face-palming* “Four grey walls are a prison cell. A guard and a padre?”

Friend: “That could be anything.”

Me: “Okay, what about the last line?”

Friend: “He’s lying under the old oak tree.”

Me: “They lay him under the grass by the old oak tree.”

Friend: “Holy s***; why didn’t I notice that? I was going to sing this song at the old folks home next week.”

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