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A Perk Of Being An Editor: Learning New Slang!

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2023

I’ve recently moved to Brazil, and while my Portuguese is good, I still make mistakes sometimes.

I’ve just gotten a smoothie from my aunt. I want to ask her, “Was this made with the milk powder without lactose?” as I am really intolerant to the stuff.

What I actually say:

Me: “Was this made with the milk powder without milk?”

That was slightly embarrassing but not too terrible… except when my boyfriend informed me, with a giant grin on his face, that to ask for just powder in Portuguese is slang for cocaine.

Luckily, my aunt knew what I meant, but I don’t think I’m going to live that one down for a while.

Don’t Know Why There’s No Plane Up In The Sky… Crap Employees…

, , , , , , , | Working | August 22, 2023

A few years ago, I was traveling home hoping to visit my family. It was a direct flight, about ninety minutes, early in the morning. Due to unusual foggy weather, we could not land. Since my hometown rarely had issues, the pilot believed it would clear and kept flying around waiting for it to be safe.

It didn’t happen, and by the time they gave up, we didn’t have enough fuel to go all the way back, so they took us to the biggest airport in the country, around halfway between the two towns. There, they assured us, we would be taken care of and boarded onto a plane the second the weather cleared.

When we got there, however, the crew from our plane disappeared, and the airport employees had no idea we were even coming. Nothing was communicated to them, and they looked lost and panicky. They were certain, though, that it was impossible for them to just come up with a plane to take us to our destination, and they would have to find some alternative.

They put us in a corner of the airport — not in any specific room, just an area not being used at the time. I was sitting on one of the conveyor belts behind a check-in counter because there were not enough seats for everyone and there were a lot of older people. 

After some arguing, the staff gave us vouchers for food that barely covered anything in the overpriced airport restaurants. We asked for our luggage so we could get toothbrushes, changes of clothes, deodorant, etc. We had been there for about three hours already. They said it was impossible to locate our luggage at the moment, but we could see it in a corner behind them, and we pointed it out. They said that corporate policy prevented them from giving us our luggage. It took a lot of arguing from some of the loudest passengers for them to allow us a moment to go to our luggage and get whatever we needed. 

When the four-hour mark hit and we had no information on what would happen to us, we went back to hunt an employee and demand some solution — put us in a hotel, take us back home, do something. They just repeated the same thing, over and over: they were doing their best to accommodate us, but there was no solution at the moment because all the flights were full.

I asked if they could provide us with a bus. It was a six-hour trip, more or less, to either of the cities. It had been way more than that since we’d left our homes. They said they would check, and thirty minutes later, they said it was possible and they only needed to know who would go to which city and who would rather wait. 

Relieved, we gave them our information and waited. And waited. And waited. Apparently, the traffic was terrible and the buses were stuck. It took over two hours for them to get there. No second voucher for food was provided, although we got some water, at least. 

When they actually showed up, we found out that the company had messed up the number of people who would go to each city. That meant that people going back to where we started had to be cramped up with no seats left, while people moving on to our original destination had two full buses with not enough people to fill even one. I got lucky and was on the latter, so I was able to sleep all the way through using two seats.

I could have sued. They broke so many laws with the lack of support they gave us that it would have been an easy case. I decided not to; I didn’t want to spend more time and energy on it.

The thing is, I ended up working for that company. There, I found out that they had meticulously calculated how much it costs to follow the law versus how much it would cost in lawsuits and how many people are likely to go to court. If it’s cheaper to follow the law, they do it. If not, they’d rather keep their passengers hanging.

Her Train Of Thought Is Still Boarding At The Station

, , , , , | Friendly | May 29, 2023

I’m in a subway carriage going home after a long day of work. Luckily, it’s not crowded. A woman about sixty years old gets in and sits more or less opposite from me. 

After a minute, staring at no one in particular, she loudly asks the void:

Older Lady: “Is this the red one?”

Our subway system has different colors on the outside of the carriages for different lines, but they’re usually referred to by numbers or by destination. I’m blanking on which color is which line, but a passenger next to me answers.

Passenger #1: “Yes, it’s Line 1.”

A couple of minutes go by, and we pass a station with several signs indicating a line exchange to Line 2. She pipes up again, staring at some point a meter above my head.

Older Lady: “Does this go to [Station A]?”

That’s the endpoint of Line 2.

Me: “No! It’s going to [Station B].”

Passenger #1: “No, for [Station A], you’d have to change lines.”

Passenger #2: “I’m going in that direction; I’ll change lines at the next station. I can show you the way!”

Older Lady: “No, no. I’m going to [Station C].”

This is located on this line and in the direction we’re headed.

Me: “Okay, then you’re on the right train!”

Older Lady: “Nah, you are all wrong. This is headed to [Station A].”

Passenger #1: “What? No, it’s headed to [Station B]!”

Passenger #2: “This is Line 1, in [Station B]’s direction. It will pass through your station.”

The older lady replies, still looking at no one:

Older Lady: “No. It’s you guys who’ve got the wrong train!” *Harrumph*

Thinking to myself, “Lady, why the f*** did you ask, then?”, I decided there was no point in trying to help her and went back to scrolling social media on my phone; the other two passengers soon did the same. 

Interestingly, although she seemed so convinced that we were giving out the wrong information, she did as instructed and kept on until [Station C], and she exited while avoiding my and [Passenger #1]’s pointed looks.

Client Demands Are Just About Kicking Off

, , , , , , | Right | April 29, 2023

I’m a Brazilian graphic designer and as you may imagine, a lot of us take soccer (and the World Cup) very seriously. Our team games are like holidays around here.

I get a call from a client minutes before an important World Cup game, asking for a new design for some motion graphics.

Me: “Can this be delivered this evening?”

Client: “It absolutely cannot wait, since we absolutely have to post our video within the hour!”

I took my assistant from the bar and we ran to deliver a thirty-second, easy-to-do video in less than an hour. Okay, that’s fine, it happens; it is not an official holiday, after all.

The client wrote me five days later asking for some changes. At game time.

A Brazilian Reasons To Ask For A Manager

, , , , , | Working | March 16, 2023

I’m Brazilian by birth, though I grew up in England. As such, I have a very strong accent and speak Portuguese as a second language. I need to get some documents notarised and head to the local office. As it is my first time there, they need to take some details.

Woman: “Okay, now I just need your [incomprehensible] number.”

Me: “Um, excuse me?”

Woman: “Your number.”

Me: “My identity number is here on my ID.”

Woman: “No, I need your other number.”

I have no idea what is going on. The woman gives me a patronising smile.

Woman: “What nationality are you?”

Me: “Brazilian.”

Woman: “No, your other nationality.”

Me: “I’m Brazilian.”

Woman: “No, your other nationality.”

Me: “Well, I am dual nationality British-Brazilian, but what difference does that make?”

Woman: “Aha! So I need your [random abbreviation] number.”

Me: “I have no idea what you are talking about. I am Brazilian; I only have an [ID] number.”

This carries on for five minutes until my boyfriend (who is native) comes along. He talks to the woman who then leaves, and he turns to me, speaking English.

Boyfriend: “You’re done here. She wanted your naturalisation number.”

Me: *Cluelessly* “But I’m born and bred Brazilian. I just speak funny.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, she heard the accent and smelled the money. She was trying to get you to pay for a few more forms. Next time, just say you are Brazilian and keep it there.”