Spoiler: This Story Does Not Contain A Birthday Breakup

, , , , , , , | Romantic | February 4, 2020

I start dating a guy in high school, and we really hit it off. However, once we graduate, we go to different colleges in two different states. We begin a long-distance relationship. Our first year of college, it’s fine. We call a lot, talk over Skype, email frequently, and still manage to spend time together when we visit our hometown.

At the beginning of our second year of college, his parents divorce. It really hits him hard. I try to be as supportive as I can, but he begins to withdraw. We schedule times to Skype, but he begins to log in less and less often. Longer time passes between emails. Whenever he digitally stands me up, he always apologizes and gives me his reason: “I was so tired, I just had to nap,” “I was feeling really fried from finals and couldn’t talk,” “Stuff was going down at home, and I just don’t want to talk about it.”

As this goes on for months with communication between us becoming increasingly infrequent, I begin to voice that I feel neglected and that it hurts whenever he goes for weeks without talking to me. As always, he apologizes, but nothing ever changes. He says if I “just pick a date and time,” he’ll do his best to Skype with me. I do, but he always winds up canceling or not logging in. I can see the signs of the relationship failing right there, but I really like this guy. When we do talk, he has a great sense of humor. We also share the same quirky interests in some really niche stuff.

Into our third year of college — yes, I did wait two years for him to come to terms with his parents’ divorce — it becomes months between contact. I send emails and texts and leave voicemails when I can. I even agree to watch his favorite television show with him in its entirety — well over 100 episodes — just to spend time with him. We have simultaneously streamed shows before and talked over Skype while we watched them. It is something we enjoyed doing together. However, even that doesn’t change how infrequently he contacts me.

He apologizes again and insists that if I “just pick a date and time” he will do better this time. At this point, I tell him any time is fine as I will clear my schedule just to talk to him. It’s now two weeks until my birthday. He makes a promise: “I absolutely promise that I will be online before your birthday so we can talk.” He makes it sound like this will be a long conversation, possibly streaming a television show, and that we’ll be able to catch up on lost time. However, he doesn’t give me a date or time.

For the next two weeks, I spend as much time as I can on my computer because I want to talk to him as long as possible — as he made it sound. It eats my life. As soon as I’m done with dinner on campus, usually 7:00 pm, I’m online. I stay online until midnight or 1:00 am, just to see if he’ll speak with me. Some nights, I’m online as early as 5:00 am. Yes, I’m the fool who waited for six hours a day for my boyfriend to Skype me.

It’s the night before my birthday at 11:30 pm. At this point, I am so frustrated and sleep deprived that I’m sobbing. I move my mouse over to click on “Log Out” as I figure he has completely flaked again. It’s at that exact moment the notification pops up and he logs in. He gives me a huge string of smiley emojis and says, “See, I told you I’d be on before your birthday!” He has no idea why I am mad at him. After all, he made it “just in time” for my birthday even though we can’t talk for more than half an hour because of classes.

His birthday is the following month. I wait until 1:30 am the night after his birthday ends and send him an email breaking up with him — it’s not like I can even get a hold of him face to face anymore. He replies back, furious, “How dare you ruin my birthday like that?!” I reply with, “It wasn’t technically your birthday anymore.”

And that is the last I’ve ever heard from him. I have no regrets about how I broke up with him.

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This Name Survived The Third Reich

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2020

(I’m at my boyfriend’s house for dinner. I am meeting his parents and his siblings for the first time. I also have an unusual name.)

Boyfriend’s Sister: “So, what’s with your name?”

Me: “It’s a name.”

Boyfriend’s Sister: “Yeah, a stupid name.”

Boyfriend: *laughs nervously*

Boyfriend’s Mother: “[Boyfriend’s Sister]! [My Name] is a guest!”

Boyfriend’s Sister: “With a stupid name.” *looks at me smugly*

Me: “Actually, I was named after my great-grandma, who was in a concentration camp in the forties. She survived, but she later died from lung problems brought on by the terrible air in the camp.”

All: *silent*

Boyfriend: “Guys, I told you not to make fun of her name. I told you there was a reason for it. Now you’ve made yourselves look like jerks. Come on, [My Name], I’ll take you to [Fast Food Place]. You like the chicken nuggets, right? 

(Later on in the week, I got an apology letter from my boyfriend’s sister and it was signed by his parents, as well. Apparently, the girl got into a heap of trouble for making fun of my name.)

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They Vow To Keep Consistent

, , , , | Romantic | December 7, 2019

(I work front desk at a downtown hotel in one of the larger college towns in the American Midwest. Our little 147-room property has seen it all: managers getting fired, wedding parties that were literal trash, and even the bridal and in-law versions of Godzilla incarnate. But it’s not often we see humor from the grooms. A small wedding party is in with us, consisting of the bride and groom. This morning, the bride comes up to the desk.)

Bride: “Hi! Have you got a pen and a piece of paper?”

Me: “We sure do! How much do you need?”

Bride: “Just one piece. I’m getting married today and forgot my vows.”

Me: *pulling out a pen and a sheet of paper* “Congratulations! Here you go!”

Bride: “Thanks!”

(The bride wanders off and writes her wedding vows. I think nothing more of it until I see a haggard-looking man come up to the desk, Coors in hand.)

Guy: “Hey, have you got a pen and a sheet of paper?”

Me: “We sure do. Let me guess, vows?”

Guy: *with a sly smile* “Yeah. I forgot ’em; haven’t got a clue what to say.”

Me: *giggles* “Good thing you remembered them! Just write from the heart, man! Here’s the stuff.”

Guy: “Thanks!”

(The Coors guy walks off and again, I don’t think anything of it. That is, until about ten minutes later, when he comes back up to the desk.)

Guy: “Thanks.”

Me: “Get it all written out?”

Guy: “Well, something like that. I figure I’ll just half-a** it and make it up as I go.”

Me: *as I try to keep from laughing* “Oh… well, good luck.”

(I told my manager about it and he laughed. One can only wonder how that marriage will go, but to the happy bride and groom, they seemed eager. Fingers crossed!)

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You Laced It With Laziness

, , , | Romantic | December 5, 2019

(I’m folding laundry.)

Me: “Hey, this would make a great Halloween bra!”

Girlfriend: “Huh? Because it’s black?”

Me: “Well, yeah, but it’s also got this cool spiderweb design.” *gestures to the sides of the bra*

Girlfriend: “Oh… that’s not a spiderweb design.”

Me: “Huh?”

Girlfriend: “That’s just what happens when I’m too lazy to use a delicates bag… It used to be lace.”

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Hit The Motherlode

, , , , , , | Friendly Romantic | November 15, 2019

(I’m in my apartment with my girlfriend playing a medieval MMO. She’s on her laptop out in the kitchen, while I’m in my office on my desktop. We’re hanging out in the starting town when a random low-level player starts following me. Note: I’m 30 and she’s 27, and we’ve both been playing this game together since high school.)

Random Player: “Hey, [My Username]!”

Me: “Yes?”

Random Player: “Free money, please?”

Me: “You can make money by killing goblins or cows, or by fishing or mining.”

Random Player: “I don’t want to do that! Give me 500k or I’ll do your mom in bed!”

Me: “Okay, that’s actually very disturbing.”

Random Player: “What, can’t handle me sleeping with your mom?”

Girlfriend: “No, he means it’s disturbing that you’re turned on by sixty-year-old married women.”

(The random player briefly stands there, silent, and then runs off without saying another word.)

Me: *shouting out of my office to my girlfriend* “You’re definitely a keeper, babe!”

(She responded by making her avatar blow my avatar a kiss in-game. A moment later, she waltzed into my office and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We have now been married for three years, and we still play that MMO together from time to time.)

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