(I have had epilepsy since I was eight, and therefore can not go to any band concerts due to the flashing and strobe lights. There was a Panic! At The Disco concert recently and my boyfriend went without me. The next day he shows me the pictures. Lead singer Brendon Urie took his shirt off during the concert. This is how the conversation goes.)

Me: “I hate not being able to go. I’ve been wanting to go forever.”

Boyfriend: “Sorry, love. We can go next time. Just don’t pay attention.”

(I stop him and look him directly in the eye.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], Brendon Urie took his shirt off. I’m going to pay attention.”

(Cue my best friend, boyfriend, and sister cracking up laughing.)

This story is part of our Epilepsy roundup.

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(My boyfriend has very curly hair and isn’t a fan of haircuts, so his hair has a tendency to puff up into an afro-like style around his head. He hasn’t cut it in over a year and we’ve just moved in together.)

Me: *squinting at his hair* “Have you been using my conditioner?”

Boyfriend: “Um… Maybe. How did you know?”

Me: “Your hair isn’t as frizzy. It’s hanging down more than sticking up.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Is that what it’s for?”

Me: “You know how you like to play with my hair because it’s all soft and shiny? That’s how I keep it that way. You really didn’t know what conditioner is for?”

Boyfriend: “I have two brothers and my parents are hippies. It wasn’t really a thing in my house growing up.”

Me: “So, why did you decide to put it on your head if you didn’t know what it was?”

Boyfriend: “I was taking a shower and I got bored.”

(My girlfriend and I are in bed. I’ve been having bad insomnia, so I get some sleeping medicine to try to help. I’ve never taken it before, so I don’t know how I will react. This is what happens, according to my girlfriend. I roll over with my eyes barely open and speak to her.)

Me: “They walk among us, but we can’t see them.”

Girlfriend: “Who’s ‘they’?”

Me: “I… I don’t know. They can be shadows or have writhing tentacles that they take people with and eat them. They can take the form of a black dog or a raven.”

(I have no memory of this, but my girlfriend was — rightfully so — pretty scared to go back to sleep!)

(I work at a kiosk inside of a mall. This particular kiosk is even smaller than many other types of kiosks, so it’s exceedingly rare for there to be two or more employees at the same time. I have just handled a customer complaint, and after my attempt to remedy the situation, I get a call from my boss.)

Boss: “Hey, just calling to check how things are going.”

Me: “Yeah, I encountered a little problem not too long ago. Who was working last Saturday?”

Boss: “I was.”

Me: “Sorry to ask, but are you 100% sure? You didn’t hire anyone new or anything?”

Boss: “No, why?”

Me: “Well, a customer just complained about something that happened last Saturday. I’m having a hard time believing it was you because it’s not likely you would’ve made this kind of mistake, and the customer was complaining about a female employee. I thought we were all dudes here.”

Boss: “Did you say a female employee? Oh, g**d*** it. Not again!”

(It turns out his girlfriend visits him at the kiosk to hang out, and when he steps away to go to the bathroom or grab lunch from the food court, she approaches every passing mall patron very aggressively. Of the few sales she manages to obtain, she doesn’t explain the products or the kiosk’s policies adequately, causing frustration to the customer down the line. My boss still isn’t sure why she does this, because she isn’t getting paid for this work, and he has asked her, multiple times, to stop.)

(This takes place four years ago, when I’ve just started dating my boyfriend. I always take a long time to fall asleep, so I’m used to lying in bed next to someone who’s already asleep. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about a month and this is his first night at my place. He has been sleeping for about 20 minutes when he rolls towards me and gets up on his elbow.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I don’t want anything serious.”

(That is a big deal, as I thought we both wanted a committed relationship. I have a personal “no one-night-stand” rule.)

Me: “Um… What the f***? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *lying back down* “It’s complicated…”

(Something seems off. He has been nothing but very nice and open to conversation up until now, and this answer is out of place. I get up, go to my living room, and try to control my temper, as I’m very explosive. When I come back, I ask him:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “What do you mean what? You know perfectly well what I’m referring to!”

Boyfriend: “Do you know where my leeks are?” *pause* “Oh, that’s embarrassing…”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend talks in his sleep. I quickly calmed down and asked him about it in the morning. Of course, he didn’t remember and hadn’t meant a word of it. We live together now, and at least twice a week we chat about random stuff like the price of trout on Mars. It’s very unsettling because his voice isn’t sleepy when he does it and he actually answers me when I talk back, but now I find it funny!)