(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch while he’s playing video games. I have just finished a can of Coke.)

Me: “Man, I love Coke.”

Boyfriend: “We have to talk about your drug problem.”

Me: *not listening* “You know, I think if you and a can of Coke were drowning, I’d have to save the can of coke.”

Boyfriend: “What?!”

Me: “I know, but imagine how cold it would be coming out of the water!”

(My boyfriend went back to playing video games.)

(In college, I share an apartment with a roommate who is dating a certain girl. One day, when I finish up in the bathroom and flush the toilet, I open the door to find her standing there, staring at the door.)

Girl: “Did you wash your hands? I didn’t hear you wash your hands.”

Me: “No… because the sink is out here.”

(I turned to look at the sink that she was standing right next to, which is outside of the toilet in our particular apartment layout. I then moved over to wash my hands, while she glared at me a bit and then turned around with a huff to storm off and complain to her boyfriend about me “mocking” her. I wasn’t then, but I certainly am now. That was just one example of her brand of crazy, and I was very glad when my roommate wised up and dumped her.)

I inherit an African Grey from my grandfather when he dies. Like all parrots, he is very smart and had picked up lots of words and phrases over time, but my grandpa always made sure they were polite words only and would tell anyone off for swearing around him or making rude sounds. Fast forward a couple of years. I take a weekend trip and ask my boyfriend to take care of him while I am away. When I get back, my boyfriend picks me up and brings me back home.

Me:
“[Parrot]! Where’s my boy? Hello, sweet bird!”

The parrot makes a long, drawn-out wolf whistle.

Parrot:
“Hello, sweet bird!”

He has never wolf-whistled before. I slowly turn to my boyfriend.

Me:
“Why did my parrot just hit on me?”

Boyfriend:
*Looking very sheepish* “Because he has more game than I ever will?”

It’s been a week. My bird now loves to wolf whistle.

(My boyfriend and I are downstairs at my family’s house when my brother calls down to say that a friend of his will be coming over and ask if we could let him in. About five minutes later, there’s a knock at the door and my boyfriend goes to answer it, though he’s still mostly focused on his phone.)

Visitor: “Um, hello, I’m–”

Boyfriend: “Hey, yeah, come on in. Just through here.”

Visitor: “Oh…” *hesitates* “All right, I guess.”

(He follows my boyfriend through to the kitchen and, just as he’s about to call up to my brother, my boyfriend turns to actually look properly at the guy he’s invited in.)

Visitor: “Hi, so, I’m here to talk to you about the great work that [Cancer Charity] is doing.”

(My boyfriend freezes, suddenly noticing that this guy is in uniform with a clipboard and realising his mistake. He’s pretty socially awkward normally, so he’s really not sure what to do.)

Visitor: *continues spiel*

Boyfriend: “Um… I thought–”

Visitor: *continues spiel*

Boyfriend: “Uh, I guess I can afford that…”

(And that’s how my boyfriend not only accidentally signed up to a monthly charity donation out of sheer embarrassment but also was too socially awkward to call and cancel the donation despite being a poor student who really couldn’t afford it.)

(My fiance and I go to the same college. We both live on campus, in the same building on separate floors. At the time of this story, we’ve been dating for three years, with our anniversary on February 9th. It’s right around Valentine’s Day, and one of his roommate’s girlfriends is in their room, waiting on her boyfriend before they go out. They’ve been dating for three months at this point.)

Roommate’s Girlfriend: “Do you have any plans to take [My Name] out for Valentine’s Day?”

Fiance: “Our anniversary is the ninth, so we usually just go out around then to celebrate, but [My Name] doesn’t really believe in Valentine’s Day.”

(This is true; I have no qualms with those who want to celebrate, but I’d rather not have a corporate holiday telling me when to celebrate the people I love. I’d rather do it on a random day than do it when society expects, but again, I don’t hold it against anyone who wants to celebrate and I’m happy for them if they do! He explains the above to her, but she’s proven in the three months they’ve been dating to not be the brightest bulb in the room. She takes the explanation in, sits for a moment, and then says:)

Roommate’s Girlfriend: “Oh, so you don’t love her?”

(He was not very happy. Neither was I, at first. After the anger waned, I felt a bit sad for her and people who believed the same. Valentine’s Day does not equal Love, and I hope we can teach our young folk that there’s more to love than being taken out on a holiday!)