Thank Goodness He’s A Then-Boyfriend And Not A Now-Boyfriend

, , , , | Romantic | May 6, 2021

I trip up some stairs and do damage to my foot, resulting in some pain in my toes which is particularly bad when the middle toe is touched. My then-boyfriend decides to start tickling me starting on my good foot. He then moves on to my bad foot that I’ve complained about pretty much daily since doing it.

Me: *Sitting up* “Ah, be careful with that foot. Especially my toes! Please don’t touch them.”

Boyfriend: “I won’t!”

I relax somewhat — as much as you can when being tickled — as he focuses on gently tickling the sole of my bad foot. Then, out of the blue, he outright squeezes my middle toe — the one that’s the worse when touched. I shriek in pain and immediately pull myself into a sort of foetal position, trembling, with tears forming from the pain. He then bursts into tears, sitting on the floor next to the bed. I’m concerned that I might have kicked him accidentally when I moved.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “I hurt you! Oh, God. I feel so baaaad.”

This continues. I’m confused and still in a lot of pain.

Me: “You’re crying? Why?”

Boyfriend: “I hurt you! I’m the worst! I’m evil! I’m disgusting!”

Me: “It’s okay, I’m okay. I just wasn’t… I’m okay.”

I spend some time reassuring him that everything is okay, and it ends with me leaning over the bed so I can hug him, despite being in pain. It suddenly hits me.

Me: “Why am I consoling you when I’m the one in pain?”

Boyfriend: “Because I feel so baaaad about it!”

Me: *Straightening* “You… purposely squeezed my bad foot. Why did you do that?”

Boyfriend: “I feel bad!”

Me: “But why did you squeeze?”

Boyfriend: *Huffing* “Stop making this about you! I feel awful and you don’t care! You’re just making me feel worse! Can’t you see how bad you’re making me feel? How could you be like this? I’m going for a drive to calm down!”

He slammed out of the room and I heard him leave the house. He texted me “dark thoughts” he’s having throughout his drive, which had me apologising and backing down. However, the nagging feeling about him never actually apologising for it and knowing he did it intentionally stuck with me. A few months and repeated instances later, we broke up.

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Quick! Write That Down!

, , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2021

My girlfriend and I are coming home after double-dating with one of our friends and we’re commenting on their relationship. The friends had a pretty big fight about when their anniversary was. We joke about the fact that we never remember when we met all the time and would never fly off the handle like that.

Me: “Babe, when is our anniversary?”

My girlfriend gives me a deer-in-headlights look.

Girlfriend: “Sometime in… May?”

Me: “Really? I thought it was sometime in September.”

Girlfriend: “Crap. There has to be a way to figure this out, right?”

Me: “What movie did we see before we started dating? That will help.”

Girlfriend: “Were we together when The Avengers came out, or was it The Hobbit?”

Me: “Uhh, we saw the last Hobbit together, right?”

Girlfriend: “But we were together before that, so November?”

Me: “That doesn’t sound right.”

Girlfriend: “I know… Shoot, I know your birthday and you know mine. You know what? I know how to solve this.”

She walks into our spare room and comes out with our year calendar and the darts from the dartboard.

Girlfriend: “All right, I’m going to throw a dart and whatever day it lands on is our anniversary.”

Me: “Sounds fair enough.”

She throws a dart and then goes and looks at it and starts cracking up.

Me: “What date did it land on?”

Girlfriend: “TODAY!”

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We Know Our Enablers Very Well

, , , , | Romantic | April 26, 2021

I’m relaxing on the couch with my boyfriend. We both are almost at the stage of sleep when I suddenly bolt straight up and head to the front door. When I get back to the living room, my boyfriend is sitting up, looking very confused.

Boyfriend: “What on earth?”

Me: “I heard the [Online Retailer] delivery guy’s keys.”

Boyfriend: *Pauses* “Baby, you live on the third floor. There are like thirty people who come up and down your steps each day.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Boyfriend: “And out of all that, you recognized the keys to your delivery guy?”

Me: “Of course!”

Boyfriend: “Do I even want to know how you know this?”

Me: “Do you want me happy?”

Boyfriend: “Yes…”

Me: “Do you want to fight?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “Then it’s best that you don’t know how I know this.”

Boyfriend: “All right, whatever. Could you come back to the couch now?”

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Protesting Too Much, Huh?

, , , | Romantic | April 15, 2021

I’m at a convention with my boyfriend. He’s been rather nasty as of late but he’s been okay at the convention. I’ve cosplayed a character that has very pale skin but very dark eyes which require a bucket load of makeup. It’s the evening and we’ve plans to meet up with friends in one of their rooms. I’ve stripped to my underwear and I’m trying to get rid of my makeup when the light in the hotel bathroom goes out; this is the only mirror in the room. I persevere and think I’ve gotten all of it off, so I exit the bathroom.

Boyfriend: *Sharply* “Are you going out like that?!

Me: *Thinking he’s joking* “Well, I intend to wear a T-shirt and trousers, too.”

Boyfriend: *Explodes* “You’re trying to make people think I hit you! You b****!”

Me: *Taken aback* “What?”

I look in the front-facing camera of my phone to see that I’ve completely failed to remove the makeup and just smeared it round my eye.

Me: “You know, you can just say I’m s*** at taking off makeup.”

Boyfriend: “Tch, like you didn’t do it on purpose! The bathroom—”

Me: “—light has broken. It’s dark in there. I tried. I failed. Why are you even accusing me of this? If I was going to try and frame you, I could use any of the bruises from my arms, torso, and legs from where I walk into s***, not something that can be wiped away by a competent individual armed with a makeup wipe.”

He isn’t my boyfriend anymore.

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Some Guys Just Say The Wrong Name In Bed

, , , , | Romantic | April 12, 2021

My boyfriend and I are lying in bed in his very small apartment, having just been intimate. Suddenly, he bolts upright and screams:

Boyfriend: “CHICKEN!”

He did it with such ferocity and urgency that I became convinced for a moment that somehow a live chicken had made its way into his third-story walk-up. But then, he leaped out of bed and sprinted to the kitchen, which is when I remembered that he’d cooked chicken for dinner. After he’d finished our dinner, he’d put the remaining pieces in the oven to cook while we ate. That was at least an hour before this, and they’d been cooking the whole time. Chicken should be cooked to an internal temp of at least 165 degrees Fahrenheit. These temped at more than 200 degrees. He was able to use it in a soup, which helped rehydrate it. But we were giggling all night — and even long after — about CHICKEN!

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