A Shortcut To Your Man’s Heart

, , , , , | Romantic | May 20, 2020

Like a lot of people who grew up in rural areas, I get really, really excited about morel mushrooms. My boyfriend has never tried morels before; he likes mushrooms but doesn’t get why I’m so excited about these ones. When I invite him to come morel-hunting with my family and me one spring, he declines because it’s a four-hour drive each way.

I come back covered in mud, exhausted, and with about a pound and a half of morels, grinning from ear to ear, and clean and prep them for him to cook the next day. Following the Internet and my recommendation, he lightly batters them with ground hazelnut, fries them, and tips them off onto a paper towel to cool.

He’s still hesitant, but grabs one to try… and his eyes go wide. He finishes that one, reaches for another, and starts bouncing up and down. He’s usually a stoic, and I have literally never seen him react like this before!

Boyfriend: “Okay, I get it. I want to come morel-hunting next year! Think we can find more of these?! Enough to dry and keep year-round?”

I can’t resist teasing a bit.

Me: “Even with eight hours of driving?”

Boyfriend: “H*** yeah!”

I was delighted to add my boyfriend to our yearly foraging party next spring!

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Having A Girlfriend Should Be All The Boost You Need

, , , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2020

I go on a date with my boyfriend to the movies. When he comes to pick me up… there is another girl in the car. When he tells me her name I know it is the girl he has told me about who has a crush on him. I don’t say anything on our way to the movies.

He goes up to get snacks and the girl and I are left alone.

Girl: “He didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend.”

Me: “He didn’t tell me he was bringing anyone else. He did the same thing last time but brought his brother along.”

Girl: “Why would he do this?!”

Me: “He thinks we’ll fight over him and get an ego boost.”

Girl: “Ugh!”

Me: “Yeah. He’s not worth it.”

He comes back and we take our drinks and I look at him.

Me: “She and I are sitting in the top corner to enjoy the movie. You can sit someplace else. Far away.”

He kept asking what he did as we walk in and take our seats, both of us girls agreeing that he was so not worth it. I officially broke up with him that night.

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Now Less A Girlfriend AND A Good Friend

, , , , | Romantic | April 25, 2020

The guy I’m dating likes to surprise me by visiting me at work. I decide to return the favor. I walk into the store where he works and see him flirting with a female coworker. His back is to me, so he doesn’t realize I’m there. 

I stand there for a minute, debating whether I should just turn around and walk out. The female coworker looks over at me and immediately steps away from him. He turns around, does a double-take, and gives me a big hug.

Boyfriend: “Oh, [My Name]! I didn’t know you were stopping in today!”

Me: “I thought I’d surprise you. But it looks like you’re too busy doing other things.” 

His face turns red.

Boyfriend: “Never too busy for you! Oh, this is [Coworker]. [Coworker], this is [My Name]. She’s my… good friend.”

I raise an eyebrow.

Me: “‘Good friend,’ huh? That’s one way to put it. [Coworker], it’s nice to meet you. I think I’ll let y’all get back to what you were doing.”

I spin around and walk out. He chases me down.

Boyfriend: “C’mon, babe, don’t be like that.”

Me: “What? You don’t like how your good friend is acting?”

Boyfriend: *Pause* “I f***ed up, didn’t I?”

Me: “That’s one way to put it.”

As you can probably guess, THAT relationship didn’t last much longer!

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Are You Cereal?!

, , , | Romantic | April 22, 2020

My mom, my girlfriend, and I are heading out on a camping trip, and we stop by the store on the way. We need some last-minute food, mainly cereal for me and my girlfriend since Mom didn’t know what to get for us. Since we don’t live together, we are equally as ignorant about each other’s preferences, and we spend a while deciding.

Girlfriend: “What about Rice Krispies?”

Me: “No, I don’t find them filling. Raisin Bran?”

Girlfriend: “No, too boring. How about Honey Nut Cheerios?”

Me: “Okay, but I only like the no-name brand.”

Girlfriend: “But I only like the name-brand!”

I shrug helplessly.

Girlfriend: “There are corn flakes…”

Me: “Yes! Corn flakes! Let’s get that!”

Girlfriend: “Well, maybe there’s something else.”

We spend another few minutes debating over various cereals before deciding to each get our own small box, only big enough for three bowls each, perfect for a three-night camping trip. She gets some kind of granola and I get corn flakes. We get to our campsite, set up, fully enjoy ourselves, and go to sleep, and the next morning we all break out our individual cereals.

Girlfriend: “Oh, this is bad. Can I have your cereal, instead?”

Me: “No! I wanted corn flakes; I got corn flakes! If you wanted corn flakes, you should have gotten corn flakes!”

Girlfriend: “I thought you only said you liked corn flakes because I said I liked corn flakes. I didn’t want you to get something you didn’t like!”

Me: “No, I said I liked corn flakes because I like corn flakes. And there’s only enough for me, so you can’t have them!”

She made do and we enjoyed the weekend. She did eventually enjoy the granola when I thought its fruitiness would be a better base for a cheesecake than graham crackers and fed it to her on her birthday a couple of weeks later.

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Time To Get Rid Of A Major Anxiety Source

, , , , | Romantic | April 6, 2020

I was on anti-anxiety meds but stopped because I felt better and my doctor agreed I could take a break. I start feeling like I should go back on them, so I tell my boyfriend about my thoughts while we are watching TV one evening.

Me: “I’ve been thinking about going back on [medication].”

My boyfriend doesn’t look away from the TV.

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Me: “I’ve just been feeling… low-level anxious all the time.”

Boyfriend: “Well, why?”

Me: “I don’t know, I just—”

My boyfriend glances at me before going back to the TV

Boyfriend: “What are you doing that’s making you anxious?”

Me: “I don’t know, it’s—”

Boyfriend: “So, why go back on?”

Me: “Because I just feel anxious all the time. I always think you’re mad at me or I’ve forgotten something. I always wonder if customers at work are mad at me. I’m not getting decent sleep.”

Boyfriend: “Last time, you laid in bed for a whole week until things got balanced out, you barely ate or showered, and your sex drive plummeted. What about all that?”

Me: “I know, but—”

Boyfriend: “Can you do something else? Go to the gym? Drink more water?”

Me: *Giving up* “Whatever.” 


Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, now you’re mad at me? Why?”

Me: *Annoyed and hurt* “You’re not listening.”

Boyfriend: “I am listening! You’re not saying anything! How am I supposed to help if you’re not telling me anything?”

Me: “I’m not asking for your help! I’m trying to tell you how I feel and you just keep interrupting me.”

Boyfriend: “You’re not saying anything!”

Me: “I can’t do this. Forget I said anything.”

Boyfriend: “I’m just saying that I think there are alternate options before going back on your meds.”

Me: “Okay, thanks.”

A few weeks later, I’ve tried all the non-medication options out there and, while things have improved a little, it’s not enough and I feel like I could be better with medication. I call to make an appointment with my doctor. My boyfriend comes in while I am finalizing.

Me: *On the phone* “Yes, thank you. I’ll see [Doctor], then.” *Hangs up*

Boyfriend: “What was that?”

Me: “Oh, I made an appointment with [Doctor].”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Me: “I’m still not feeling right.”

Boyfriend: “Did you try—”

Me: “Yes.”

Boyfriend: “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

Me: “Exercise, water, outdoor activities, vitamins, yoga, meditation, a schedule. Yes, I tried it all.”

Boyfriend: “Are you going back on [medication]?”

Me: “I don’t know; we haven’t discussed it.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I don’t think you should. Maybe you should just figure it out.”

Me: *Astonished* “You are… just…”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “Insensitive.”

Boyfriend: “I’m just saying, you know what happened last time. The side effects—”

Me: “Are not as bad as feeling like this all the f****** time!”

Boyfriend: “You’re mad at me again?”

Me: “I’m mad because I tried to come to you and all you did was shoot me down! You don’t listen!”

Boyfriend: “So, you want to go back on your drugs?”

Me: “No, I don’t want to, but right now I think I need to.”

Boyfriend: “That’s ridiculous.”

He throws his arms up.

Boyfriend: “You know what? You do whatever you want, just like you always do!”

He walked out. I went to my appointment and asked if there was another medication or something I could do to get myself straightened out. The doctor recommended a different medication with fewer side effects. I still had a transition period of about a week but it wasn’t nearly as bad as before.

My boyfriend did come back, but I told him if he wanted to stick around, he was going to have to stop interrupting me and start listening. We even started going to therapy and the therapist told him the same thing: to listen instead of trying to fix everything right away. He said he would try, but it turned out to be too difficult; he left again a month later and hasn’t been back.

I, however, am doing great!

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