“The Adventures Of Harold, Benjy, And Carmen” Sounds Awesome

, , , , , , , | Healthy | August 13, 2018

(I’m in a short-term rehab center, recovering from surgery. A speech therapist comes in with a form in her hands.)

Therapist: “Good morning! I’ll just take a couple of minutes here to see how your speech and language skills are, all right?”

Me: “I suppose.”

(I teach special needs, and immediately recognize the form; it’s the mental acuity screener. BAH!)

Therapist: “Can you tell me where you are?”

(This goes on for awhile, and I’m getting irritated.)

Therapist: “Now, would you name these three animals?”

(She shows me sketch of a lion, an elephant, and a hippo.)

Me: “How about Harold, Benjy, and Carmen?”

Therapist: *silent*

Me: “Well, the task as phrased was to name the animals. If it were stated correctly, you would have asked me to identify the animals, and I would have told you they were a lion, elephant, and hippo.”

Therapist: *silent, but grinning*

Me: “And the number they told me to remember when I had this identical screening in the hospital was 74.”


Tired of being disrespected? Well, misery loves company. Join us at our Antisocial collection in the NAR Store!

This Call Scores A (Ground) Zero

, , , , | Right | May 16, 2018

(I work in a call center doing senior-level tech support for a cell phone manufacturer. This interaction happens after a lower-level support transfers the call to me.)

Me: “Hi there, [Customer]. My name is [My Name], and I’ll be taking full ownership of this call from here on, so that means I’ll be the last person you’ll have to speak with to make sure we come to a resolution for your issue. Just to make sure I understand correctly, it seems you’re trying to trade your phone in with your carrier for a new one, but your device is activation locked. Is that right?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Me: “All right, and do you know the email address or password for the account the device is locked to?”

Customer: “No, I need you to unlock it.”

Me: “All right, that is something we can do; however, we will require that you submit the original proof of purchase for the device.”

Customer: “I don’t have that. I’m the one who bought the phone. Can’t you just take my driver’s license?”

Me: “Unfortunately not. In order to unlock the phone, we need to match your proof of purchase with what our system shows us in order to properly verify that the device is actually yours.”

Customer: “But I don’t have that. Why can’t I just go to [Cell Manufacturer Store] with my driver’s license and have them unlock it?”

Me: “They’ll end up telling you the same thing I am. Our system needs the original proof of purchase to—”

Customer: “So, you’re saying I can’t get my phone unlocked by showing my driver’s license at the store, but I can use it to get on a plane and fly anywhere I want in the US?!”

Me: “Uh, yes. That is basically the truth.”

Customer: “Well then, maybe [Cell Manufacturer] should have been flying the planes on 9/11.”

(I’m completely speechless for a good 10 to 15 seconds.)

Me: “I-I’m sorry, ma’am. But if you can’t remain professional on this call, then I will have to disconnect—”

Customer: “Fine. Bye.” *hangs up*

When You Upgrade To Platinum Black, It Means Truly Nothing

, , , , , | Working | May 12, 2018

(I answer the phone.)

Caller: “Hello! This is [Caller] from [Travel Club]! I’m calling to tell you that you have been upgraded to a platinum level!”

Me: “Thank you. What does that mean?”

Caller: “I have no idea. Let me transfer you to my manager.”

(Pause.)

Manager: “How can I help you?”

Me: “It wasn’t meant to be a difficult question. I just wondered what I get for being a platinum member?”

Manager: “Nothing, really. But because you asked, I’ll give you a free year’s travel insurance, too. All right?”

Me: “Um, sure. Yeah. Thanks.”

Manager: “Goodbye!”

Not A High Chance Of Getting The Job

, , , , , , , , | Working | January 18, 2018

I am 17. I see a “Help Wanted” sign across the street from my high school. The shop is also across the street from a large university campus. I go in and ask for an application. This all proceeds as normal; the barista gives me an application and offers me a free drink.

The next day, I return to the coffee shop to turn in my completed application. The barista directs me to the manager and I turn my application in to him. While busy, he seems friendly enough, and offers to give me an interview at 4:00 pm the next day.

I show up the following day about ten minutes early. The manager is nowhere in sight, so I inform the barista that I am ready for him, and once again, I am offered a free drink. I sit in the coffee shop and wait for the manager to come.

And wait.

After an hour with no sign of the manager, I ask the barista if my interview has been cancelled. The barista, who seems to have forgotten I was there, yelps in surprise and tells me that the manager isn’t in. She then goes to the back and calls him. She returns and tells me that he stepped out to run some errands and should be back in about 20 minutes.

The manager finally arrives, and after getting directions from the barista, comes over to me with a stack of applications. He shuffles through the papers, finds my application, and skims over it. He looks up at me and says, “You’re in high school?”

I answer, “Yes.”

“Sorry, we’re actually only looking for college students right now, because they have more availability.” The manager then dismisses me before I even have the chance to explain that I only take classes in the morning.

Insert Common Sense Here

, , , | Working | September 1, 2017

(My new camera doesn’t come with a manual, but there is a “quick start guide.”)

Step #1: “Insert the battery – How to insert the battery: Open door. Insert battery.”

(When I took it back to the store and showed them this, the manager took a picture of it with his phone to show everyone who works there!)

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