Literally Brought A Knife To A… You Know The Rest

, , , , , | Legal | February 12, 2019

(I’m manning the shop while my manager is out for lunch. A man comes in asking about hunting knives. We talk for a bit and I show him several of our blades. He noticeably keeps asking to see the biggest and sharpest ones we stock.)

Me: “Well, there’s this.” *takes out a 15-inch bowie-designed knife*

Customer: “Oh, yeah! Can I see that?”

(I hand the knife over, while going into the spiel about the grade of steel, techniques for sharpening it, and so on. The customer seems very pleased as he tests the weight and then smiles at me.)

Customer: “You know what’s funny? You were actually just stupid enough to hand this to a random guy, with no idea what he intends to use it for.”

(He suddenly thrusts the knife at me.)

Customer: “Now, how about you walk me over to your register and hand over every f****** cent before I see how far I can sink this into your heart, moron?!”

Me: “Sir, if I may just ask, you are aware we’re a sporting goods store?”

Customer: “Yeah, so? Cash now, a**hole!”

(He thrusts the knife at me again. I tactfully back away while glancing over to my left.)

Me: “Could you please just read what the sign there at the bottom of the stairs says, then?”

(The customer-turned-robber looks confused, then cautiously turns to the sign.)

Customer: “‘Guns located on second floor’? What the…”

(He turns back to see I’ve now drawn my sidearm — I keep it holstered in a manner that it’s not immediately visible from the front — and have it aimed at him.)

Me: “Before you comment on others’ intelligence, consider that you walked in here and somehow missing both that sign and the one outside stating we carry all manner of sporting goods, including firearms!”

(He dropped the knife and booked it out the door, leaving me to call the police and give them a full report. I can understand why he thought this would work, since the way the store is set up it’s not immediately evident we carry firearms, but at the same time, who honestly isn’t aware that guns are also classified as “sporting goods” in a state that permits open carry?)

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The Power Of The Automotive Industry

, , , , , | Friendly | November 30, 2017

(One of my housemates has had to leave his car at the shop for repairs. The next day on my way to run errands I find him in the kitchen, slumped over our breakfast table.)

Housemate: “Hey, can you go grab me some coffee, if you’re going out? I’m getting withdrawal symptoms, bad!”

Me: “Uh, I fear I’m going in the opposite direction from the coffee place.”

Housemate: “Well, can you make a detour first? Just drive to the coffee place, grab me my usual order, and come back here?”

Me: “May I ask why you can’t go to the coffee place, seeing as it’s just down the road?”

Housemate: “I don’t have my car! How am I supposed to get there?”

Me: “Uh, by walking?”

(My housemate looks as if this is a major revelation.)

Me: “It’s literally two minutes to get there and back on foot. I’ve done it multiple times!”

Housemate: “F***! I never thought of that!”

(I returned later to see him sipping a huge cup of coffee. He was still amazed that he was able to acquire it without the use of his car.)

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Changing Insurance Companies Is Hellish

, , , , | Working | September 5, 2017

(My phone rings in the middle of the day. The person calling sounds incredibly cheerful and happy.)

Caller: “Good morning! I’m calling in regards to your car.” *lists make and model* “Our records indicate you haven’t extended its coverage past the factory default.”

Me: “Yes, that’s because I’ve got it covered by [other insurance company].”

(There is a rustling of papers, and the caller then says the following in the same overly cheerful and upbeat voice.)

Caller: “I see… well, in that case, f*** you, and I hope you burn in Hell!” *click*

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