Words To Make You Go Pale Ale

, , , , | Working | April 30, 2018

(I work in a liquor store that is three hundred feet from the border of another state. As such we get many requests for beers that are exclusive to the other state.)

Me: “I have a customer who’s asking about [Out-of-State Beer]?”

Boss: “Tell them to go f*** themselves.”

Me: “W-what?”

Boss: “Right, you’re new; one minute.”

(She gets up, walks out of the office, and approaches them.)

Boss: “Go f*** yourself.”

(The customer looked shocked, and my boss laughed and explained that since the out-of-state beer is only available in the other state, and that the company involved made it very clear that they will not release the beer across state lines, even for three hundred feet,  that particular brand is a bad word along the lines of a racial slur in our store. I learned that day that our store policy for handling that particular beer request was, in fact, to tell them to go f*** themselves.)

A Bridge Too Far

, , , , , | Working | April 28, 2018

(In south Louisiana, snow is rare. This weekend we had a record-breaking snow storm. The town I work in is a ten-minute drive away, and crosses a large river that has only two bridges over it. The main highway “new” bridge was closed first, then an accident occurred on the second, “old” bridge. I call my boss as soon as I see my snow-covered car.)

Me: “Hey, I don’t think I’ll make it in. My car is covered, the new bridge is closed, and there’s a wreck on the old bridge, so it’s closed.”

Boss: “No, the bridges are both open. You will be here on time.” *click*

(The department of transportation lists both bridges as shut. About an hour before my shift, the old bridge opens as the accident clears. It remains open for eight minutes total before someone else wrecks.)

Boss: *text* “Bridge open. Get here now.”

Me: *calls him* “There was another wreck and the bridge closed. Department of transportation says it’ll stay closed until the ice melts.”

Boss: “Well, you’ll just have to get in line so when it opens you can get here.”

(I straight up told him no, because it was too dangerous to try and drive in an unknown weather condition. I went in the next day, and he made me stay four hours late and basically told me I was at fault. Yeah, it’s my fault it snowed. And, I work in a grocery store.)

How The Number One Manager Becomes Number Two

, , , , , , | Working | April 27, 2018

All the employees wear earpiece walkie-talkies, keeping us in contact at all times. Chatter on the main channel is kept to a minimum, as it’s the default channel everyone is required to use unless requested on another channel.

Our regional manager comes for a week-long visit. Normally, he doesn’t participate in store operations, so it’s the first time he uses one of the walkie-talkies. For some reason, he switches it from push-to-talk to always-on. This means we can hear everything on his end, plus it drowns out everyone else from being able to use the channel. I head off to try to find him to fix the issue.

Before I locate him, he heads into the managers’ bathroom, and chooses to ignore my polite knocks on the door. For the next 20 minutes, all two dozen staff members are treated to a disgusting chorus of a series of grunts, shuffles, curses, farts, and plops, followed by a loud flush.

When he comes out, he angrily looks into my office to ask me what was so d*** important that I tried to interrupt him. I explain the walkie-talkie to him, hearing the echo of my voice in my earpiece, then show him how to properly set it.

None of the employees can keep a straight face when they see him the rest of the day.

Baking Up A Conspiracy

, , , , , | Working | April 27, 2018

(My first job was working in the deli and bakery for a popular grocery chain. I had just dropped out of college, because none of the classes I was taking interested me in any way whatsoever. I wanted to go to culinary school, but my parents wanted me to go into forensics. When I dropped out, I started making novelty cakes for birthdays and weddings, but I wanted more experience so I thought working around cakes would suffice. My aunt was the manager at this particular deli and bakery. She knew I was a Christian and needed Sundays off. I only worked three days a week, anyway, so this wasn’t a problem at first. I worked hard and tried my best, but the other workers were very odd around me. Day 1:)

Coworker #1: *chattering on about her life story*

Me: *half listening, trying to slice meat for a customer*

Coworker #1: “So, that’s how I ended up pregnant at the age of 26.”

(This woman is easily in her late 50s, and she’s been talking for about an hour, all the while not doing a d*** thing to help or show me the ropes. I get done with the customer and turn to my coworker.)

Me: *trying to make small talk* “So, how many kids do you have?”

Coworker #1: “Just the one I had when I was 26… unless you count his father.” *laughs hysterically*

Me: *thinking she’s laughing at the father’s maturity* “Oh, was his dad really childish?”

Coworker #1: “No, he was really a kid. He was only 16. I had a thing for younger men.”

Me: *internally screaming*

(Day 2: I’m working the bakery side, decorating some cakes, when my break rolls around. I head out from around the counter and start taking my hair net and gloves off. A woman from my church walks over with her daughter.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name]! How are you liking the new job?”

Me: “It’s all right. I’m learning a few things I didn’t know.”

(Out of the corner of my eye, I notice [Coworker #1] crouching behind a dessert table, listening. I already think she’s weird, so I don’t acknowledge her.)

Friend: “Well, we know you’ll do great. Heck, maybe someday soon you’ll be running things back there! We’ll see you at church! Love you!” *waving bye*

Me: “Haha, yeah! Love you, too!”

Coworker #1: *pops up from the table like I didn’t know she was there the whole time* “HA! CAUGHT YOU! I KNEW YOU’D SCREW UP!” *runs back to the deli*

(On day two, all new employees must close the deli and bakery alone. Nobody has bothered to show me how to do any of this. My coworkers leave, and I give it my best shot, making sure everything is as clean as it can be and turning everything off. I end up clocking out 15 minutes late, and I go home. Day 3: Still curious about my coworker being so odd the day before, I come into work and immediately get called to my aunt’s office.)

Aunt: “We need to talk.”

Me: “Okay.”

Aunt: “[Coworker #1] tells me you’re planning on taking over the bakery.”

Me: *laughing* “You caught me! That’s been my plan all along, haha!”

Aunt: “…”

Me: “You’re serious.”

Aunt: “Yes. I can’t have my employees running around telling everyone they’re going to commit a mutiny.”

Me: “I’m not. My friend was in here yesterday and just made a comment. She didn’t mean anything by it.”

Aunt: “Just watch what you say. I have eyes and ears everywhere. Get out of my office.”

(I get to work, completely baffled by the events transpiring. I just want to keep my head down and do my job.)

Coworker #2: “You know [Coworker #1] told her you were trying to take over, right?”

Me: “I figured.”

Coworker #2: “It’ll all be okay. She can be a little much sometimes. Just follow the rules and everything will be all right.” *looking around for something* “Where’s the chicken pan?”

Me: “Oh, I washed it last night. It’s in the cabinet.”

Coworker #2: “Why did you wash it?”

Me: “It had chicken juice in it.”

Coworker #2: “You don’t have to wash it. Just wipe it out and put it up.”

Me: “But that could cause a serious illness.”

Coworker #2: “Nah.” *keeps working* “You didn’t hose down the floor last night?”

Me: “Was I supposed to? I’m sorry. I didn’t get to clock out until 8:15. I was running behind. Can you show me everything I’m supposed to do when I close?”

Coworker #2: “YOU CLOCKED OUT LATE?!”

([Coworker #2] runs to [Coworker #1] who, upon hearing this info, runs to my aunt, laughing. A few minutes later, I’m called into the office. I get reprimanded for clocking out late.)

Aunt: “If you’re not done by eight, go clock out, and then come back to finish closing!”

Me: “Um… No? That’s illegal, first of all. Secondly, if I’m working, I’m going to get paid for it.”

Aunt: “God, you’re just like your mom.”

Me: “Yeah. Can I go back to work now?”

(Days 4 to 7 are without much incident. I start to notice how nobody washes their hands, how the floor manager’s wife get handfuls of lettuce and other food, pops it in her mouth, licks her fingers, and then grabs another handful, and how they joke about spitting in people’s food. The only guy working back there likes to lock me in the giant freezer as a joke. I hear them talking about me behind my back constantly. They make fun of Christians in front of me. I don’t want to work here anymore, but my parents won’t let me quit. Day 8: My aunt texts me that she’s not coming in due to stomach flu. The text reads:)

Text: “Not coming today. Stomach virus or something. But make sure you check the new schedule, lol. Have a nice day!”

(It seemed odd but I clocked in and got my hair net and gloves on, ready to start my shift. I was opening the deli that day, so I would be alone for the first four hours. I walked over to the schedule and saw I was only working one day the next week: Sunday. She knew I go to church. At first, I thought it was a joke. But I flipped through the calendar, and she had my schedule written down for the next six months. One day a week. All Sundays. I went straight to the store’s general manager and quit. Years later, [Coworker #1] basically staged a mutiny of her own and got my aunt fired. My aunt and her family now attend the same church I go to. No apologies have been said, but I see the guilt all over her face when she looks at me.)

The Neverending Prank

, , , , , | Working | April 26, 2018

Manager: “Hey, could you empty the extra hot water from this?” *hands me a tiny bucket and points to a giant metal box with a spout on the counter by the coffee machine*

Me: “Sure.” *starts filling bucket with water and pouring it into nearby sink*

(Five minutes later…)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]! [Manager] is being mean to you!”

Me: *still filling bucket and dumping water* “How so?”

Coworker: “That’s connected to the pipes. It refills itself. You’ll be there forever!”

Me: *stops filling bucket*

Manager: *flashes evil grin and cracks up*

Me: *feels like idiot*

(I was new.)

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