(I’m the manager at a video rental store, and the owner happens to be there with me.)

Customer: “I’d like to open an account.”

Me: “Okay, to open a membership we need a California issued I.D and a major credit card.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “The credit card.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t open the account.”

Customer: “Oh, I talked to the manager last week. He said it was alright if I didn’t have a credit card.”

Me: “Oh really? I don’t recall telling anybody that last week.”

Customer: *nervously* “… then it was the owner who told me that.”

Me: “I don’t think he would say that.”

Customer: “Yeah he did. He said it was fine. Just make me the d*** membership! The owner said it was fine.”

Me: “Okay…” *I turn to the owner*

Me, to the owner: “Hey, did you tell anyone last week that they could make a new account without a credit card?”

Owner: “No, I never said that ever.”

Customer: *walks away with his head down*

(Ever wonder why you can’t buy gum at a movie theater? Patrons plaster their used gum *everywhere.* An assistant manager I worked with knew exactly how to get the point across.)

Movie Theater Patron: “Do you carry any gum?”

Assistant Manager: *low growl* “Gum… is our enemy.”

(My boss spent thirty-five years in the Army, and it shows. He is famous for quoting motivational posters.)

Boss: *to camper* “I understand your concern, ma’am, but sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk.”

Camper: “I just wanted to transfer campsites.”

Boss: “Understood. But sometimes it takes a village, right?”

Camper: *to me* “Can I speak with someone who isn’t on crack?”

A woman with her young son come up to the counter.

Me: “Hello, ma’am, and welcome to [Fast Food Place]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I’d like two burgers, one of them on a sesame-seedless bun, please.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, but we’re actually out of seedless buns right now.”

Customer: “How dare you! My son has deathly allergies to a lot of things, I’ll have you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, is he allergic to sesame seeds?”

Customer: “No, he isn’t.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the only difference between seeded and seedless buns are the sesame seeds, so it will be fine for your son to eat one with seeds.”

Customer: “HOW F****** DARE YOU! YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT MY SON CAN OR CANNOT EAT! I WANT A SEEDLESS BUN, D*** YOU! GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Yes, of course. Just one moment.”

(I go and get the manager and explain the situation. My manager, NOT a people person, grabs a seeded bun and proceeds to the front with a knife.)

Manager: “HERE IS YOUR D**N SEEDLESS BUN!”

(My manager slices off the top half of the bun and throws it on the counter.)

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, shut the f*** up.”

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Woman: “I am speaking on behalf of my boss. He wants a tax statement… What do I need to do?”

Me: “You need to put your boss on the phone so I can talk to him about this.”

Woman: “No. ”

Me: “Sorry?”

Woman: “He has given me verbal consent to speak on his behalf.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, I won’t be able to do that. I will need to speak to your boss directly.”

Woman: “Why?”

Me: “Because I need to do a security check with him to protect his privacy.”

Woman: “What privacy?”

Me: “His personal information.”

Woman: “He refuses to deal with you himself.”

Me: “Unfortunately he will HAVE to deal with us himself for us to organise this statement for him. Verbal consent is not valid as we hold very private information about our clients.”

Woman: *deepens voice, obviously attempting to sound like a man* “Okay then, my name is [Boss], I was born on [birthdate], and this is my card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I know that you are not your boss. We do need to speak to Mr. [Boss] himself. Is there anything else I can help with?”

Woman: “F*** YOU!”