Replacing A Labor Coach With A Labor Couch

, , , , , , , | Working | June 10, 2017

(My husband and I are expecting our first baby. My husband’s supervisor wants to send him out of state for a week of training right after the baby is due. His supervisor calls me.)

Supervisor: “Well, I know that you’re due to have your baby soon, but I really want [Husband] to go to this week-long training session.”

Me: “Hey, you know that white couch your wife has in the living room?”

Supervisor: “Yes.”

Me: “If you send [Husband] out for that training session, when I go into labor I’m coming over to your house and having this baby on that couch.”

(My husband’s supervisor decided that he could put off the training for a while.)

How To Become A Hit With Your Boss

, , , | Right | June 9, 2017

(I’m female, and work in a hardware store in a small town. My boss is an elderly lady infamous for two things: always taking the customer’s side, and being extremely proper and conservative. We have a regular customer who comes in a few times per week and always makes vulgar and sexist jokes, comments, and gestures towards the female staff. We’ve complained to our boss multiple times about him, but she never does anything. She claims turning him away will be bad for business. So, normally we let the male staff handle him and keep our distance. I would quit, but it’s a small town and jobs are hard to come by. This particular evening I’m kneeling down stocking screws when he comes down the aisle.)

Regular: “Huh, you look like you spend a lot of time on your knees, hey?” *creepy laugh*

Me: *trying to ignore him* “Can I help you find anything?”

Regular: “Naw, I’m just admiring the view” *motions to my butt and winks*

Me: “All right, well, if you need anything just ask. [Male Coworker] is at the back desk.”

(I stand up to leave, but as I’m walking past him, he proceeds to grab my butt and give it a squeeze. Having endured years of his comments and gestures, I snap and end up punching him square in the face. He staggers back and falls into a rack of car fuses, holding his face and cursing.)

Me: *having completely lost it* “DON’T YOU EVER F***ING TOUCH ME AGAIN, UNDERSTAND?! I’LL HIT YOU A LOT HARDER NEXT TIME!”

(I notice something out of the corner of my eye and turn to see my boss standing there, eyes wide and mouth open. Then she starts marching towards us, angrily.)

Boss: “How DARE you?!”

(At this point, I’m positive I’m about to be fired for both swearing and hitting a customer. However, she walks over to the customer instead.)

Boss: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

(She chases him out of the store, screaming profanities as he holds his bloody nose. She eventually comes back to me.)

Boss: “Now, [My Name], are you all right? Have you called the police?”

Me: “No, not yet, but I will. I honestly thought you were going to fire me.”

Boss: “Oh, heavens, no. The only thing I have to tell you is to hit the a**-hole harder next time!”

(I saw a very new side of my boss that day.)

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Putting The List Into Listening

, , , , , , | Working | June 9, 2017

(Everyone in our office has a daily quota of calls we need to make. Because we are often very busy with other tasks, if one of us is falling behind that day others who are less busy will help each other reach their quota.)

Supervisor: *recently promoted* “Hey, [Coworker] is behind on her calls and is helping some volunteers right now. I need you to help with her calls.”

Me: “I actually spoke with her 20 minutes ago and am helping with her list right now.”

Supervisor: “Whatever you are working on isn’t a priority right now. You already finished your calls today and she needs help.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m doing that. This is her list I’m calling through right now.”

Supervisor: “I didn’t ask for excuses. Go get a list from [Coworker] and help her out. End of discussion!”

(That supervisor oversaw three different offices and interestingly enough whichever one she was physically in at the time always ended up with the worst production that day.)

Not The Photo-Perfect Day You Were Expecting

, , , , | Working | June 8, 2017

(This happened to my dad a long time ago. He and Mum had recently emigrated from Britain and didn’t know very many people in their new Canadian city, so when his boss invites him and Mum to Boss’s daughter’s wedding, it is a very nice surprise. Mum is thrilled by the invitation, and she pinches pennies so that she and Dad can afford decent clothes for the event as well as a babysitter for me.)

Boss: “Ah, [Dad], there you are! Here, you’ll need this.” *hands Dad a camera*

Dad: “What’s this for?”

Boss: “To take photos of the wedding and reception, of course.”

Dad: “But… I’m not a photographer. Didn’t you hire one?”

Boss: “Why pay some photographer good money when all you need is a camera and someone to use it?”

Dad: “But that means I’ll be leaving my wife alone for a large part of the day, and she doesn’t know anyone.”

Boss: “Oh, she’ll be fine.”

(Dad gave up at that point. Poor Mum had a miserable lonely day, since she was quite shy and no-one bothered to try to include her in their conversations. Dad did his best to take some nice photographs, but unbeknownst to him, the camera had jammed after the first couple of pictures. He didn’t realize this, because the camera wasn’t one with which he was familiar. So, because Boss was too cheap to pay a professional photographer, his daughter didn’t get any photos of her big day. I always wonder what she had to say to her father about that.)

Blame Canada!

, , , , , | Working | June 7, 2017

(I recently moved to Canada from the UK and am still adjusting to some Canadian quirks.)

Me: “[Coworker], where’s the manager? A guest wants a refund.”

Coworker: “He’s in [Popular Electronic Store] watching the Stanley Cup playoffs.”

Me: “So watching the playoffs is more important than doing his job?”

Coworker: “Welcome to Canada!”

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