I was sitting in my office one slow day, and the CEO walked in (always a pucker moment, even though I’m on VERY good terms with him), and he handed me an (obviously non-business) laptop.

CEO: “Can you get it back up and running? It has a very important thing on it that’s needed shortly.”

As I wasn’t doing anything, and he still signed my paycheck, I said:

Me: “You got it, sir!”

Later, a middle manager comes in and asks me to do something. I say:

Me: “You’re number two in line.”

I point to the (obviously not corporate) laptop I am fixing. [Middle Manager] doesn’t like that much!

Middle Manager: “Call whoever’s laptop that is and tell them that it isn’t acceptable for you to be working on personal equipment. Right now!”

So, I pulled out my cell and called. The middle manager could only hear my half of the conversation, but what he heard was something like:

Me: “Hey Tom, I got Bob here telling me it isn’t acceptable for me to be working on your personal stuff, and he wanted me to call you and tell you…”

Me: “Oh sure, he’s right here, hang on.”

I hand the phone to the manager.

Middle Manager: “It’s not acceptable—”

And then his eyes get REAL BIG, and the rest of the conversation is “yes, sir” and “no, sir”. He hung up and thundered:

Middle Manager: “Why didn’t you tell me it was the CEO’s laptop?!”

Me: “You didn’t give me a chance and demanded I call them RIGHT NOW!”

Related:
Laptop Flop, Part 42
Laptop Flop, Part 41
Laptop Flop, Part 40
Laptop Flop, Part 39
Laptop Flop, Part 38

The power goes out in the section of town the store is in.

Me: “The news is saying they won’t be able to get the power back on until the middle of the night.”

Manager: “Well, we should at least finish stocking all the new stuff.”

Coworker: “Excuse me, but how? It’s totally dark in there!”

Manager: “We got a sporting goods section, don’t we? We raid it for headlamps and flashlights, and we use those to help stock. This is the kind of problem-solving that makes people managers.”

Coworker: “This is the kind of problem-solving that gets companies sued.”

We all agreed we were NOT going hunting around the lower basement floor (where Sporting Goods was) in the dark, just to keep on top of the stocking. The manager accused us of being lazy. When we asked him to write down and sign the order for us to enter the pitch black store during a power outage, he was suddenly much less enthusiastic about his “managerial-level problem-solving.”

I worked in receiving for a large department store in 2008. A woman comes in one night to pick up a grill that she had bought.

Customer: “Can you load this onto my truck for me?”

She backs up to the loading dock, and I load her grill onto her truck bed. She’s about to drive off, when:

Me: “Ma’am, I would strongly recommend tying this down before you leave.”

Customer: “It’ll be fine. I don’t live that far away.”

Me: “I understand, but this grill has a lot of heavy, separate parts. I can give you some twine to tie it down.”

Customer: “Can you do it for me?”

Me: “Uh, it’s actually a liability for us to tie a purchase down for a customer. We can load it for you and give you as much twine as you need, but you need to tie it yourself.”

Customer: “Nah, that’s too much work. It’ll be fine.”

Alright, cool, I did my job.

I show up the next morning, and one of the managers comes running through the back looking for me, shouting:

Manager: “Where the f*** is he?! Is he here yet?!”

She finally finds me and starts yelling.

Manager: “You! Did you load a grill last night?! Why didn’t you tie it down?!”

Me: “Yes, I did load a grill, and no, I did not tie it down because we’re not allowed to. I kept offering the customer something to tie it down on their own, and they refused.”

Manager: “Well, the customer’s grill fell off the back of the truck on the highway and shattered. She’s complaining to corporate, and they’re blaming us! This is all your fault!”

Me: “It’s my fault for doing what I was supposed to do?”

Manager: “You should have tied it down!”

Me: “Would you say that again, but with an HR representative present?”

She glares at me, but storms off without saying anything, so I guess she wouldn’t. I went to speak to my HR rep anyway, in case things escalate. I know HR reps get a bad rap (and mostly deservedly so), but our rep is actually a decent person.

HR Rep: “Classic corporate; they want to blame the person at the bottom if something goes wrong. If you followed the rules, it’s your fault for not breaking the rule, and if you broke the rule, it’s your fault for breaking the rule. Don’t worry, if they come at you for this, I’ll have it shut down quicker than an untied grill shatters on a freeway.”

Me: “…”

HR Rep: “Too soon?”

Coworker: “Don’t go into the back storeroom anytime soon.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “I just walked in on [Assistant Manager] and [New Hire].”

Me: “…oh.”

Coworker: “[New Hire] has only been here a week! She works fast!”

Me: “Wait, didn’t [Assistant Manager] interview her?”

Coworker: “Oh, wait. He did! Well, now we know why she got the job.”

Me: “You know [Assistant Manager] is married, right?”

Coworker: “He is?!”

Me: “You know he’s married to [Manager]? She works at another location, but they both work for the store.”

Coworker: “I have a feeling this might get a bit messy.”

Two days later, [Assistant Manager] pulls into the store’s parking lot in his usual sports car. As he’s walking into the store, we see a large pickup truck drive into the lot.

Me: *Looking out into the lot.* “[Assistant Manager], is that your wife?”

[Assistant Manager] turns around and looks into the lot just in time to see his wife drive her truck over his sports car. He runs outside, cursing and screaming. I look over to [Coworker].

Coworker: “So I might be on a chat group with some guys from the other location…”

We have one of those repeat problem customers that we all hate to serve. I usually get this customer as I am a veteran cashier and can usually handle their ranting, but I am having a rough day, and my patience is wearing thin…

Customer: “You’re scanning slower than usual. Are you sick? You shouldn’t be here if you’re sick. It’s not safe for the customers!”

Me: “I’m not sick, ma’am, I am just tired after a long shift—”

Customer: “—Tired? Tired! Are you serious?! You get to sit down all day and just scan stuff! You haven’t earned the right to feel tired, especially after such terrible service over and over again!”

Me: “Ma’am, seriously? You seem to always get terrible service here, literally every week. If it’s happening to you and only you over and over again, haven’t you ever stopped to think that it could be you, not us?”

Customer: “How dare you! Are you implying that your terrible service is my fault?”

Me: “No, I’m implying that our service is fine, and that you choose to never be satisfied as some part of a power trip, for reasons I cannot say, as my life is currently fulfilled enough that I don’t need to regularly denigrate helpless retail workers to reach some form of contentment.”

Customer: “How… how dare you! You will summon your manager now, and I shall tell them everything you just said!”

Me: “Will do, and please do!”

My manager, tired from just LOOKING at the regular problem customer, comes over and has the situation explained to him by the customer.

Manager: “Ma’am, maybe you should shop elsewhere if you cannot be satisfied in our store. It’s obvious we cannot match the standard you seem to have for a grocery store.”

Customer: “You’re the only one on my drive home! Now, what are you going to do about this situation?!”

Manager: “I am going to give you an ultimatum. Either you’re done abusing my employees, and every future shopping trip by you will be without complaint or incident, or this will be the last time you set foot in these premises. That is what I am going to do about it.”

Customer: “You can’t do that! I’ll call your corporate offices!”

Manager: “Feel free to do that, ma’am. They are already aware of you, thanks to your regular complaints you’ve sent to them. I’ve already told them that employee welfare is just as important as customer welfare, and that if they don’t respect whom I ban from the store, then we will all walk. They will not side with you over the majority of the workforce of the highest-earning [Store Chain] in the region.”

Customer: “You’re just making all that s*** up!”

Manager: “Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, this conversation is over. Either you stand here in silence and pay for your scanned items, or you leave right now and never come back.”

Customer: *Fuming silence.*

Manager: “Very good, ma’am. Please pay and have a nice day.”

The repeat problem customer became a repeat customer. She still glared at me, and her face was the very vision of distorted rage, but she never said another word. I guess being the only store within a fifty-mile radius forced her to take the loss and accept she wasn’t going to use us as her emotional punching bags anymore.