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Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7

, , , , | Right | November 14, 2014

Me: “Welcome to [Store]! Let me know if there’s any—”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have any questions; my brother works at the Ohio location.”

Me: “Uhm, are you sure? We don’t have an Ohio location.”

Customer: “Oh, you don’t know.”

(She brushes me off and starts shopping. When she’s finished shopping, I start to check her out.)

Customer: “I should get the employee discount, because of my brother.”

Me: “Okay. Did he teach you the employee handshake?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “We only give the employee discount to people who know the secret handshake.”

Customer: “How rude! Let me speak to your manager!”

Me: “How about the owner instead? That would be me. I own both locations; neither are in Ohio.”

 

Can’t Stand Any More

, , , , | Working | November 3, 2014

(I work as a security guard at a major museum. We are not allowed to sit down while on duty because it might make us look inattentive. I’ve just had a small surgical procedure, resulting in a very deep hole on the underside of my foot, and per doctor’s orders I shouldn’t stand for extended times. I have notified all three managers ahead of time that I can only take four-hour shifts this week, yet I have been scheduled for a nine-hour exhibition opening.)

Me: “Excuse me, [Manager], there must have been a mistake with the roster. I can’t cover such a long shift this week.”

Manager: “Oh,, but we really need you for that opening evening. It’s a big deal.”

Me: “I know and I’m sorry, but I really can’t do it. If I stand for that long, the wound on my foot could open up again and even get infected. Please find someone else.”

Manager: “But, [My Name], I really need you for this. You absolutely have to take that shift.” *pause* “You could go home early. Those events never take as long as scheduled.”

(This is true. However, in such a case only about half of the guards get to go home early.)

Me: *reluctantly* “Well, I guess if it’s really that important that I come in, I’ll do my best. But I need your promise that I will be the first to go home once you reduce the number of guards.”

Manager: “Of course. No problem.”

(At the evening of the opening, as I start my shift, I remind all managers and shift supervisors that because of my foot I need to be the first to go home. The hours tick by. I’m in severe pain and can feel my foot bleeding. Several of the remaining visitors ask me if I need help and even approach my supervisor to send me home, but nothing happens. Finally my shift ends. By now I can barely walk. As I go to put my name on the sign-out sheet I see that most guards have already signed out hours ago.)

Me: “Excuse me, [Manager]. What happened here? I was assured I could go home first because of my foot and now I see that lots of people left early while you left me to cover the full shift!”

Manager: “Oh, well, we can’t remember every detail of what’s going on with each individual employee. It’s your own fault for not reminding someone.”

Me: “What? I reminded all of you, more than once! I reminded you today!”

Manager: “Don’t make such a big deal out of nothing! Go home.”

Me: “Okay, I will. Before I do that, please cancel all my shifts for the rest of the week.”

Manager: “What? No, I can’t do that! We need you here.”

Me: “Thanks to your forgetting that I couldn’t stand for prolonged times the wound on my foot has opened again. I won’t be able to stand even for a short shift the coming days.”

(At this I take off my shoe and turn it upside down. Blood is dripping on the floor. Manager turns pale, then red.)

Manager: “How should I have known that you have a wound on your foot?! This is your own fault and I don’t appreciate the tone you’re taking with me! You’re just a guard and easily replaced! Do you think we actually need you here? You can leave now and I’ll cancel your shifts for this week. Others will be glad to have them!”

Me: “You know what? I’ve changed my mind.”

(At this she starts to look smug.)

Me: “Please cancel all of my scheduled shifts. I quit.”

Just Telling It Like It Is

, , , , , , | Right | October 13, 2014

(Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

Customer: “Regarding [Liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

(I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

(The customer begins walking out the door.)

Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

(He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

Old Lady: “Who was that?”

Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

Copy And Paste To A Whole New Dimension

, , | Working | August 20, 2014

(My boss, wanting to have a demo to show that we can do things with the Oculus Rift comes in and talks with me for a few minutes.)

Boss: “See if you can take the 3D models from [one project] and put them into [another project]. Experiment with that for a while.”

(Apparently my boss thinks it’s hard to copy and paste!)

Double The Size, Half The Intelligence

, , | Working | March 7, 2014

(I work for a rapidly growing research/manufacturing company doing all of their inventory maintenance and the majority of the purchasing. I am the only person who works in the warehouse/stockroom even though it is clearly a job for two people. That, combined with the fact that the computer they give me is old enough that it is running Windows ME, means that it is hard for me to keep up with purchasing all our supplies. I get called into the conference room for a surprise meeting with the head of HR, the VP of operations, and my supervisor. I assume it is to discuss getting another person down in the warehouse so I can keep up with the purchasing, which has more than doubled in the last three months.)

VP: “Do you know why you’re here?”

Me: “Well, I assume it’s so we can discuss the productivity in the warehouse.”

VP: *looking disappointed* “So you have noticed that you have been getting behind with the orders for the past few months?”

Me: “Well, yeah. We added a new research lab and an entire new manufacturing facility so the purchasing has increased a lot.”

HR: “[Name], I think everyone here knows that’s not the source of the problem.”

(My supervisor and I look at each other, confused.)

Me: “It isn’t? I thought it was pretty obvious that the demands on the warehouse have more than doubled when we doubled the size of our facility.”

VP: “[Name], we’ve had reports that you have been watching movies on your computer instead of working.”

Me: “What?! Who told you that? I haven’t been doing that! I don’t have time for that!”

HR: “[Name], I think it would be best for you just to come clean at this time.”

Me: “Have you seen my computer? It barely handles email! There is no chance it could possibly play a video!”

VP: “There is no other explanation for why you suddenly started falling behind.”

Me: “When did I start getting behind? Was it about three months ago, when the new lab and production facility opened?”

HR: “Yes. We think that maybe you just sort of gave up with the increased work and that is when you started watching movies.”

(My supervisor and I are stunned into silence.)

Supervisor: “… [My Name], I need to discuss this with [VP] and [HR]. Could you please go back to the warehouse?”

(I found out later that the ‘reports’ came from a meeting with the executives where they were brainstorming about reasons why the purchasing and warehouse might be falling behind. They decided that I gave up and started watching movies on my computer, and so that is what they reported to HR. My new warehouse assistant started about two weeks after this meeting, and the VP avoided talking to me whenever she saw me. I found and started a new job four weeks after the meeting.)