(One of my bosses goes to a hearing where the client fails to show up. The particular cases we deal with are not criminal and don’t involve much attorney-client contact outside of the initial interview and the much-later hearing, so it’s not uncommon for clients to disappear in the interim, failing to return calls or changing their address without notifying us. This time it is unusual, however, because it turns out that the client has died.)

Boss: *agitated* “I really wish she would have called to say she didn’t want the hearing anymore.”

Me: “She died.”

Boss: “Well, she should have called to tell me she was dead!” *storms off*

(He later apologized and dealt with the ensuing paperwork more rationally, but at the time, I was torn between laughing and being appalled.)

(It’s my last day of work; I am leaving to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been at this job for five years, so on my last few shifts I have had customers and family of coworkers coming in to say goodbye. I am on my lunch break, and one coworker and her husband come in. We are standing around talking about my toddlers, about me staying home, etc. After I while, I excuse myself to go clock back in. After doing so, I head back toward my register when I walk past them.)

Coworker’s Husband: “Get back to work!”

Me: *being a brat* “No, I don’t want to!”

(I stomp my foot like a small child, cross my arms, and whine.)

Husband: “Now, or else!”

Me: *evil grin* “Or what, I’ll be fired?”

Coworker: “I can see it now: [Manager] telling you just to go home now and never come back.”

Me: “Woohoo, I can start my summer early.”

Husband: “I never said ‘fire.’ If you don’t get back to work, you will never be allowed to leave; we will chain you to the till.”

(The manager is walking past and only hears about chaining me to till.)

Manager: “Now that would be a way to make her stay. Why didn’t I think of that? By the way, why are we chaining her?”

Me: “Because I don’t want to go back to work, we decided it would be a better punishment than firing me at this point.”

(He walks away laughing. I get back to work and finish my day. I have less than ten minutes left when my manager walks out, telling us he will be back in a minute. Thinking he’s going for a smoke, I don’t think anything of it. Next thing I know…)

Coworker #2: “What’s that for?”

(I look over to see my manager coming back in with chain he got from his truck.)

Manager: *with a really evil grin* “It’s a present for [My Name].”

(I almost die of laughter as he wraps it around me, talking to himself.)

Manager: “Now this goes around here… Oh, this should go up here! Now where should I hook it?”

(When it was said and done, he did manage to keep me for an extra ten minutes.)

Boss: “You can’t go on a break. We don’t do breaks here.”

Me: “But I’m working seven hours. It’s obligatory to let me have a break.”

Boss: “Sorry, there’s no time for breaks.”

Me: “Then you should have more people working.”

Boss: “We can’t afford that.”

Me: “Well, if you can’t afford to run your company in a legal way, you’re obviously doing something wrong.”

(Two employees of the store I manage happen to request vacation time over the same dates. We can’t operate with both out of the store at the same time. While usually we give preference to the employee with seniority, this is unofficial. This time, the vacation time is given to the less senior employee. After a complaint, I go to ask the assistant store manager who handles scheduling why.)

Assistant Manager: “Well, you know [Employee #1] is a member of my church. She is going on a mission trip to spread the word of God, and it just seemed so much more important than a plain old vacation. [Employee #2] can just reschedule.”

Me: “I wish you had come to me first, because that’s absolutely not what I would have told you to do. I’m going to make seniority the official policy to stop that from happening.”

Assistant Manager: “You can’t do that! We need discretion for vacation approvals!”

(We each end up writing an email to our district manager to plead our case, and he calls a meeting to hash out a policy.)

District Manager: “Okay, so it looks like your argument is that we should look at the details of the vacation request and give it to who you personally feel has the more legitimate need?”

Assistant Manager: “Yes, but I’m so mad right now! [Employee #1] claimed she was going on a mission trip, but instead, she went to Vegas! The pictures were all over Facebook! I can’t believe she would do that to me!”

Me: “Which is exactly why a simple policy with no personal prejudices would mean less hurt feelings.”

(The policy went into effect corporate-wide a few months ago.)

(It is my first week with a pretty nice restaurant. I learn quickly that my boss likes to joke around with a serious face so he can get people. I live up too true to my blonde hair.)

Me: “Hey, [Boss]! Where do I put the extra silverware? The bucket is too full.”

Boss: *completely serious face* “Oh, just take it upstairs. We have extra bins up there.”

Me: “We have an upstairs?!”

(Cue laughter from the boss and nearby coworkers who are listening. Now, fast forward a couple of hours, and it happens again)

Me: “[Boss], it’s really hot in here; can’t you turn the air down?”

Boss: “No, it stays on that setting, but here. Do this: open that window behind you.”

(This is a huge window, from ceiling to halfway to the floor, and stretches my height at least twice; I’m 5’9”. Pretty obvious it doesn’t open, right?)

Me: “Whoa, wait. It opens? I didn’t know that was possible!”

Boss: *stares at me for a moment before bursting out laughing* “You’re too easy, [My Name]!”