(A customer approaches me carrying an iPad in an expensive designer case, neither of which we sell.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I found this in a basket. I really like the case, but do I have to buy the computer, too? I just want the case.”

Me: *fighting off a head-desk moment* “Well, we don’t sell iPads or accessories for them. I think that belongs to another customer.

Customer: “Oh, so, should I leave it with you?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Later, I found the owner’s business cards inside the case, called her, and she came back literally in tears, she was so happy. She wanted to thank the person who “turned it in” and tried to buy it.)

(I work in my university’s bookshop. A student comes in and asks for a book for his course.)

Me: “Sorry, we’ve sold out. We get a new stock in every Monday, so if you come in first thing you should be able to get one.”

Student: “I can see one on the shelf behind the counter. Give me that one.”

Me: “Actually, that one is mine. I bought it last Monday when they first came in.”

Student: “You don’t need that. I do. Give it to me.”

Me: “What makes you think I don’t need it?”

Student: “Because you’re just a shop assistant. You don’t even have the qualifications needed to apply for [University], and [Course] is much too hard for you.”

Me: “Hmm, I see you weren’t at the pre-lecture meet-up.”

Student: “What? Yes, I was. How would you know?”

Me: “Because if you had been there, you would know that I’m the seminar tutor for [Course].”

(He looked at me like I’m nuts and left. Our first seminar was the day after, and I made an extra special effort to stress that the bookshop gets new stock every MONDAY. [Student] kept his head down for the entire seminar. I figure he got his books elsewhere from then on, because I’ve yet to see him in the shop since.)

(While working at a popular book and music retailer, I meet a customer who is looking for a particular Christmas CD.)

Customer: “Do you have the latest Manchester Stovepipe CD?”

Me: “Manchester Stovepipe?”

Customer: “Yeah, they’re like a modern orchestral group.”

Me: “Do you mean Mannheim Steamroller?”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s it… but how’d you figure out Mannheim Steamroller from Manchester Stovepipe?”

Me: “I want to know how you got to Manchester Stovepipe from Mannheim Steamroller!”

Customer: “Good question.”

Me: “Right this way.”

(It is the holiday season, and we are selling Elf On The Shelf, a book and toy combo. They come with different skin tones so families can pick which they like best.)

Customer: “Excuse me! I was here the other day and you had these elves.”

Me: “Elf On The Shelf? Yes, they’re right over here.”

(As it is close to Christmas and these are extremely popular, we have sold down on the Elves with white skin. The only ones still on the display have dark skin.)

Customer: *looking distressed* “Um, do you have any… different… ones? Ones that, you know, look different?”

Me: “I’ll check and see.”

(It turns out, we do have some white ones left. I bring one to her.)

Customer: *looking extremely relieved* “Oh, thank you so much! I don’t know how I would’ve explained those other ones to my children!”

(It is the holiday season and the staff are having an ugly sweater day. I’m wearing my sweater over a regular outfit, one I love. My sweater is hideous and several customers say they love it until one man, whom I spent over ten minutes assisting finding books.)

Customer: “I have to say, your sweater!”

Me: *chuckling* “Oh, yeah, it’s our ugly sweat—”

Customer: “I mean, it’s hideous! And the whole outfit! Ugh! The socks and shoes, too!”

Me: “…”