Riddles In The Dark: Pocket Edition

| Denver, CO, USA | Working | May 16, 2017

(A customer has told me he saw another customer slip something in her pocket. I and a few others keep an eye on her to see if she tries again, but see nothing. I approach one manager at the office where she was speaking to the main book manager.)

Me: *to First Manager* “The customer told me he saw her slip something into her pocket.”

Book Manager: *Gollum voice* “What’s its got in its pocket…. What’s its got in it’s pocket? WHAT’S ITS GOT IN ITS POCKETS?!”

The Adventures Of Captain Underpants

| VA, USA | Working | May 15, 2017

(I am working at the information desk at my store and answer the phone. The caller is looking for the latest book in a children’s series and the computer says we have it in stock. I put the customer on hold and find the book. Success! Then I walked back to the phone and realize that there are three lines on hold and I have no idea which one is mine. Cringing, I pick up one of those lines and hope to every deity I have the right line.)

Me: *a bit hesitant* “Hi, were you waiting for Captain Underpants?”

Customer: “Um, no…”

Me: *NOOOOOOOO!* “Oh, I’m sorry; I’m sure your bookseller will be right with you.” *I quickly reach for the hold button, but not quickly enough*

Customer: “I’m sorry, but did you say ‘Captain Underpants’?”

Me: “Um… yeah…”

Customer: “Okay, that just made my whole day.”

Me: *relieved, but still wanting the floor to open up and swallow me whole* “Um, good. Someone will be right with you. Have a great day.”

(And that was when I learned how important it was to remember what phone line you had on hold. When I put her back on hold there was only one line still blinking, so at least I didn’t have to guess again.)

Lost Without Any Maps

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Right | April 27, 2017

Me: “Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “I need an atlas without any maps.”

Me: *extremely puzzled* “Sorry, an atlas, which is a book of maps, without any maps in it?”

Customer: “Yes, do you have any?”

Me: “I don’t think so, but you’re in the section with all the atlases, so you’re free to look through them if you’d like.”

Should Try Neurotica Instead

| Overland Park, KS, USA | Right | April 15, 2017

(I am working at the customer service booth at a bookstore when a woman approaches with a young child.)

Customer: “I’m looking for—” *mumbles*

Me: “I’m sorry, could you say that again, please? I had a hard time hearing you.”

Customer: “I said—” *mumbles*

Me: “I’m sorry, please speak up a little more.”

Customer: *annoyed* “Didn’t you hear me the first time? I need it now!”

Me: “I didn’t hear you, that’s why I need you to speak a little louder, ma’am—”

Customer: “EROTICA! I said I want erotica! I need to have sex with the book!”

Me: “Well, our adult romance section is upstairs. I could lead you over there.”

Customer: *talking normally in a cheerful voice* “That’s okay, thanks.” *to kid* “You go get the condoms and meet me upstairs, okay?”

Kid: “Okay, mommy.”

(They split up, leaving me speechless. Another customer approaches.)

Me: “Can I help you find something, sir?”

Man: *mocking the crazy lady* “Cookbooks! I’m hungry and I want to eat the book!”

Me: “Our cookbooks are right next to adult romance. Let me bring you up there and introduce you to another customer…”

The Books Are Rocking

| Denver, CO, USA | Working | April 14, 2017

(I’m working two jobs, one in a bookstore and one in a restaurant. Two days a week I pull doubles at both places which results in me only getting about two hours of sleep per night. On this shift, I’m working at the bookstore. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]. How can I rock you?”

Caller: “Uh…”

Me: “What? Oh! I, uh, mean… Thanks for calling [Bookstore]. How can I help you?”

(At least the caller had a good sense of humor about it.)

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