(Unfortunately, I am required to upsell the store’s discount card, the store credit card, and a seasonal fundraiser, plus inquire if the customer might need any gift cards, with every single customer.)

Me: “Good morning!”

Customer: *hands me two greeting cards and one paperback book*

Me: “And would you like—”

Customer: “You listen to me. I don’t want your stupid card. I don’t want to hear your spiel. I don’t care what you’re meant to say, I have exactly what I want right here, and I am not spending one penny more. So shut up.”

Me: “Well, sir—”

Customer: “I don’t want to hear another word out of you. Not. One. D***. Word. Understand?”

(I am eighteen and easily cowed. I sell him his cards and book in utter silence. About ten minutes later, during a lull, the assistant manager approaches.)

Assistant Manager: “I hear you didn’t offer someone the chance to purchase a discount card.”

Me: “He told me to shut up.”

Assistant Manager: “Oh. Well, you still should have—”

Me: “He told me not to say another d*** word.”

Assistant Manager: “Oh. Well. He might have wanted a gift card!”

(They eventually let it drop. I’d love to see how they would have handled it!)

(I work in a large bookstore. We have a large section of coffee table books, mostly art and photography. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Do you have any coffee table books on famous actresses?”

Me: *thinking of icons such as Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe* “Well, we might have some. Are you looking for something specific?”

Customer: “YES! I would very much like to have a richly illustrated book about the actress who played the mother in Back to the Future! Do you have that?!”

Me: “Erm… Sorry, we don’t have any illustrated books on her…”

Customer: “Oh, what a shame. I would love to have a book on her…” *wanders off* “A fine, fine lady!”

(I’m cashiering and a customer has just purchased two books and asked if they can be gift-wrapped. We do offer free gift-wrapping, so I say sure and take her over to the end of the counter where we wrap.)

Me: “Even though the holidays are over, we still have our holiday wrap—” *shows her* “—as well as our regular paper.” *shows her that one* “Which one would you like?”

Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! This book—” *taps one* “—is a belated Christmas gift. Can you wrap that one in the holiday paper and the other one in the other paper?”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I tear off paper from each roll and wrap each book. The customer is standing there watching me the whole time. When I’m done, I grab the bag and go to put the books in it.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you mixed those books up. I wanted this one—” *taps the book in the regular paper* “—in the Christmas paper and the other one in the regular paper.”

Me: *perplexed as to why she stood there and watched me and didn’t say something BEFORE I finished wrapping, but of course I can’t say anything* “Oh, my mistake. I must have misunderstood you. Let me redo them.”

(I carefully take the paper off and set it aside, thinking I might be able to use it for something else, and rewrap the books. I double-check with her before I start to make sure I’ve got them right. Now, all of a sudden, she’s impatient, tapping her foot and looking at her watch and sighing.)

Customer: “Can’t you go any faster? I’m in a hurry!”

Me: “I wanted to make them neat, since they’re gifts. I assumed you didn’t want sloppy-looking wrapping. I’m going as quickly as I can.”

(I deliberately slow down, because now she’s just irritating me. She continues to sigh until I finish.)

Me: *as falsely cheerful as possible* “Here you go! All set!”

(I try to hand her the bag but she doesn’t take it.)

Customer: “Don’t you have any ribbon or bows or something? They look so plain!”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t. But there’s a [Retailer] at the other end of the parking lot; I’m sure you can get ribbon or bows there.”

Customer: “I didn’t want to have to pay for it! Never mind. Just give me two cards to go with them.”

Me: “We sell cards in the stationery area right behind you, but I don’t have any to give away for free.”

Customer: “That’s outrageous! I don’t need anything fancy, just two blank cards.”

Me: “Again, I don’t have anything, just the wrapping paper. If you want to buy a card, you’ll have to look in the stationery. We do have blank cards that are reasonably priced.”

Customer: “Just give me two pieces of wrapping paper; I’ll make cards out of those.”

Me: “All right.”

(I try to hand her the wrapping that came off the books from the first time around; since I didn’t rip it, there’s plenty of decent paper left.)

Customer: “No! I don’t want that trash! Give me new paper.”

Me: “All right.”

(I tear off a generous piece of paper from each roll and hand it to her without creasing it. She snatches it out of my hands and stuffs it into the bag haphazardly.)

Customer: “My God, you need to work on your customer service skills! Never in my life have I had such bad service!”

(She turned and stalked off. I called my manager and told her what had happened. She offered to come out and cover my register so I could take a break!)

(We are a bulk discount bookstore and have a popular deal — three for £5 — on paperback books. Our sale has just started, but head office just prints off a load of barcodes so it takes ages to sticker all of the sale stock manually and sometimes things are missed. The store is a really relaxed environment, so customers are used to this.)

Me: “Hi. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Just these three, please. Three for £5, right?”

Me: *scans items* “Actually, sir, these have all been reduced to 99 pence each, so your total is £2.97.”

Customer: “No. They’re three for £5; scan again.”

Me: “Sir, your books are in the sale. You’re saving money.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re trying to con me. It’s three for £5! Your sign says it right there!”

Me: “But, sir, I can’t charge you more than the till tells me to. You’re saving money.”

(The customer is waving a five-pound note in my face and is getting very annoying. My manager is a kooky lady who is borderline retired. She is crouched behind the till, laughing at the entire exchange. I am calm but even I am getting annoyed by the man. He rants and raves for a few minutes as I try to explain that £2.97 is less than five pounds, but to no avail.)

Me: “Sir, I’ll just get my manager. She can explain that you’re actually getting a better deal.”

Customer: “Listen, you little c***. Put the books in the bag, and take my f****** money.”

Me: “Sir, you don’t need to swear. I can’t take the money.”

Customer: “Dumb b****.”

(In the end, I have enough of being sworn at. I take his five-pound note and ring through the sale at £2.97, as the till tells me to. I say nothing as I do this.)

Customer: “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Me: *rolls eyes*

Customer: “Don’t you roll your eyes at me!”

Me: “They’re my eyes. I’ll do what I like with them.”

(The customer looks ready to blow. He’s bright red in the face.)

Me: “Your change, £2.03 from £5, sir.”

Customer: *eye-twitch*

(The man snatches his bag and leaves his change. After I watch him leave, I put his change in the charity donation box. My manager unfurls herself from her hiding spot.)

Manager: “I love watching you deal with a***holes.”

(“They’re my eyes, I’ll do what I like with them” became somewhat of a meme with the rest of the store staff after that.)

(I work in the music and DVD department of my store.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. This is [My Name] in music; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanted to complain about a DVD I just bought. It doesn’t work!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What’s going on with it?”

Customer: “It won’t pause! It will stop, rewind, and fast forward, but it won’t pause.”

Me: “That sounds like it’s a problem with the player, not the disc.”

Customer: “Of course it’s the disc; my player’s worked for years! How am I supposed to go to the bathroom if I can’t pause it?”

Me: “Well, you can stop it. But if that doesn’t work, you can bring it in and we can exchange it. We’ll be open until 10:00 pm.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to stop it; I want to pause it! You need to stock DVDs that work! This DVD just won’t fit into my lifestyle!” *click*