Cannibal Hitler Strikes Without Warning

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Friendly | December 29, 2016

(Knowing my fascination with the music of Shostakovich, a friend recommended a new biography of him to me. I was deeply moved by the book. After I’ve read it, I’m in a favorite bookstore.)

Random Man: “I really liked his interpretation of the Leningrad Symphony.”

Me: “Are you talking about the Anderson biography?”

Random Man: “Yes! Did you like it?”

Me: “Yes, but it has ruined me for normal interaction. Someone was wondering the other day if it was okay to feed chicken to her chickens and I started citing the punishments for cannibalism of live people versus corpses because of the book. But I agree. It’s a great book. And he does a great job of giving different opinions. Like the invasion theme…”

(The man immediately starts tapping the drumbeat for that theme on the counter. I sing the melody for a while…)

Me: “If you listen to the first six minutes, you can hear music from the invasion theme, so it’s plausible that it was inspired by pre-Hitler totalitarianism.”

Random Man: “I’ll listen to it with that in mind.”

(I now realize I’ve been talking about cannibalism and dictatorship for several minutes with a complete stranger.)

Me: “Yeah, I’m no longer capable of normal conversation.”

The Advent Of A New Christmas Tradition

| MI, USA | Related | December 26, 2016

(A mother and small boy are looking at a Christmas display.)

Mother: “Look, an Advent calendar. Do you remember what we do with these?”

Boy: “Open them all at once and pretend we didn’t?”

Not An Award-Winning Business Plan

| Finland | Working | December 22, 2016

(My dad usually leaves Christmas shopping till the last minute, and this year is no exception. I’m home cleaning when my dad calls me from the bookstore.)

Dad: “I didn’t find [a book about a very popular tv show] or [this year’s national literature award winner] for Mom. Do you have any idea what else she could want?”

Me: “I can’t come up with anything on short notice. Seriously, they have none of the [award winner]? That should sell a lot, especially before Christmas, so I can’t imagine them not having it. Have you asked for help? Maybe you just missed it?”

Dad: “I haven’t asked. I guess I’ll do it.”

(Later, Dad comes home.)

Me: “Did you get something for Mom?”

Dad: “Yeah, but I’m not really happy with it.”

Me: “Why? You didn’t get what you were looking for?”

Dad: “I didn’t. I asked. After [award winner] sold out, they have ordered some. For people who ask them to order it. No extras to put on the shelf. Of a book that is so popular that it sold out. Before Christmas.”

(I’m a bit curious about the business plan of this bookstore.)

Wasn’t So Secret After All

| Chicago, IL, USA | Right | December 16, 2016

Customer: “There was a book on this table two months ago. It was black and said ‘FBI’ in red on the cover.”

Me: “Yes, I know that one.”

(I grab a copy of “Secrets of the FBI” and hand it to her.)

Customer: “No, not this one.”

Me: “Really? Because that’s the only book in the store that’s black and says ‘FBI’ in red on the cover. Also, it was featured on this table two months ago.

Customer: No, it was a different one.

(I pull up the list of books from that table two months ago.)

Me: That was the only book about the FBI on that table two months ago.

Customer: NO, it was a DIFFERENT ONE. You’re not LISTENING.

(Customer storms off, complains to a different employee about me not finding the correct book.)

Coworker: “I think I remember that book, wasn’t it ‘Secrets of the FBI’?”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! GOD!”

(Five minutes later, while she’s leaving the store.)

Customer: “THIS IS WHY PEOPLE SHOP ON AMAZON!”

(About an hour later, we get a phone call from someone who sounds suspiciously like this woman.)

Customer: “Yes, can I reserve a copy of the book ‘Secrets of the FBI’?”

No Point Moping About The Mopping

| GA, USA | Working | December 10, 2016

(I have returned to work after a minor surgery and my boss has returned to work after a week off of work due to chronic pain and other health issues. A customer had just spilled a soft drink all over the floor and I have brought the mop out.)

Boss: *reaching for the mop handle* “Give me this. You should go sit down.”

Me: *pulling the handle away from her* “No, ma’am. You go back to your office.”

Boss: “I said give! You are still recovering and have no business mopping.”

Me: “Let go and go back to your office! I’ve got this.”

Boss: “Young lady, I am 67 years old and you will do what I say.”

Me: “Well, I’m 32 and I am going to mop. I’m not going to risk you falling. Go sit down.”

Coworker: “Will you two stop? I’m 27. Give me the d*** mop.”

(My boss and I realized sheepishly that we have been yelling and playing tug of war with the mop in front of customers. We handed the mop to my coworker and departed to our offices.)

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