Harry Potter And The Disorder Of The Forks-Flicks

| USA | Right | July 17, 2012

(I am a customer at a bookstore. I am browsing a few shelves when another customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

(I think I’m blocking her way, so I move two feet over.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why the f*** are you walking away from me, you f***ing little c***?! I’ll have you fired for this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I think you’re conf—”

Customer: “You little w****! You think you can sell my daughter these trashy novels, and expect to get away with it? She told me all about the saleslady who told her ‘Oh, you don’t want the Twilight series, Harry Potter is much better!’ Well, I’m telling you right now, my daughter DOES want the Twilight series. So, you better exchange the books right now, you b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s been a mistake. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, YOU LITTLE S***!”

(The woman whaps me over the head with a hardcover book. This one is the fifth Harry Potter and therefore the thickest. I stumble backwards, and fall on my butt. At this point, an actual employee has noticed the situation, and has called for mall security. He runs over to try to break it up.)

Employee: “Ma’am, you can’t hit other customers!”

Customer: “That’s not a customer, and don’t you lie to me! I know it’s another one of your second rate employees, trying to get out of exchanging my books!”

(The customer proceeds to kick me as I’m still on the ground. When the employee tries to stop her, she hits him across the face with the book as well. He doesn’t fall over; instead, he grabs her arm and gets the book from her. She continues to try attacking, so he puts her in a headlock to immobilize her.)

Customer: “YOU’RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF LITTLE F***ERS WHO DON’T WANT TO RETURN MY BOOK! WELL, I’M GETTING ALL YOU A**HOLES FIRED!”

(After screaming more profanities, security finally shows up. She is escorted out in handcuffs and is currently serving jail time for assault and battery. I ended up with a concussion, but got a five-hundred dollar gift card to the store as compensation. I also got a date with the employee who came to my rescue!)

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Austen-sibly A Commoner

| Wollongong, Australia | Working | July 14, 2012

(I go to my local chain bookstore. There’s a very bored, ditzy looking teenaged employee behind the counter.)

Me: “Hey, I’m looking for a copy of Pride and Prejudice.”

Employee: *sighs and rolls her eyes* “Um, this is a BOOKSHOP. We don’t sell DVDs!”

Time To Pega-sulk

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Right | July 13, 2012

(A little girl approaches me holding up a book with a unicorn on the cover.)

Little Girl: “I think unicorns are beautiful!”

Me: “They sure are! That looks like a great book for you!”

Little Girl: “I think you’re a unicorn!”

Me: “Aww! Does that mean you think I’m beautiful?”

Little Girl: “No! It means you’re a horse with a big horn on your head!”

Me: “Umm…thank you?”

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Not Paying At-Ten-tion

| Canberra, Australia | Right | June 29, 2012

(I work in a bookshop and we are having a sale. Everything is $10, and there are signs and tags everywhere.)

Customer: “Excuse me, how much is this?”

Me: “Everything in store is $10.”

Customer: “So, how much is this?”

Me: “$10.”

Customer: (picks up another book) “…and this?”

Me: “$10.”

Customer: “That can’t be right. It’s too cheap!”

Me: “I assure you it is. We’re having a sale. Everything is $10.”

Customer: “Oh, great!”

(The customer picks up another book with a big $10 sticker on the front.)

Customer: “So, how much is this one?”

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Urine Need Of Training Yourself

| Short Hills, NJ, USA | Right | June 27, 2012

(Our store is in a shopping mall, so we don’t have public restrooms like most of our chain locations. Since the mall has restrooms conveniently located across the hall, we usually don’t have any problems. This day, a customer runs into our store holding her three-year-old son’s hand.)

Customer: “Where’s your bathroom?”

Me: “We actually don’t have one, but there’s one right over—”

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t have a bathroom? My son needs to go immediately!”

Me: “There’s a public restroom right across the hall over there.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to get him over there! I need you to let us use yours!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. But really, the restroom is right across the hall—”

Customer: “MY SON IS ABOUT TO PEE HIS PANTS! He’s still being potty trained and can’t hold it for very long!”

(To my surprise, another customer who has overheard the conversation speaks in our defense.)

Another Customer: “Are you crazy, lady? There’s a bathroom not thirty feet away! You’re going to let your poor son wet himself so you can argue with this man? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

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