(One evening in the bookstore, I turn a corner amidst the shelves and see a man drop a paperback book down his shirt. I watch him pick up another book and do the same. When he picks up a third book, I speak up.)

Me: “Sir!”

Book Thief: *jumps*

Me: “Sir, I am going to need you to take that book out of your shirt and hand it to me.”

Book Thief: “I don’t know what you mean.”

Me: “Sir, I watched you put a book down your shirt. Take it out and give it to me.”

(The man sheepishly does so.)

Me: “And the second book, please.”

Book Thief: “The second book?”

(The books he is attempting to steal are upwards of 400 pages each. There is a visible square outline right over his stomach. I stare pointedly at it until he looks down, as well, and then I meet his eyes and repeat myself.)

Me: “The second book, please.”

(He hands it to me, even more sheepishly. Both books are slightly… damp.)

Me: “Thank you. And now I have to ask you to leave.”

Book Thief: “But I was going to buy–”

Me: “I can also call my manager, explain the situation, and have him ask you to leave.”

(The man literally ran to the exit. I had to damage out the two books that were down his shirt. My manager put “deputy” by my name on the schedule for the next week.)

(I’m working at the customer service desk at a big chain bookstore. A man approaches the desk.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a book. I’m really sorry, but I don’t remember the title. It’s really long and complicated. But I think the cover of the book is blue, and it has a picture of a horse on the front.”

Me: “Actually, it’s red, and it has an upside-down picture of a dog on the front. It’s called The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Nighttime.“

(I hand him a copy of the book.)

Customer: “Oh, wow, that’s exactly the book I was looking for! How did you figure it out?”

Me: “I’m magical.”

(I didn’t have the heart to tell him it had been on the bestseller list for about a month and he was only the hundredth person that week to ask me for it!)

(I am the weird customer in this one. I have just moved to the US from Norway to go to college. While I am fluent in English and most people don’t notice my accent, I still get the odd words mixed up. I’m standing in line at the college bookstore, with a pretty bad cold so my nose is stuffy and my eyes are red.)

Cashier: “Good afternoon, miss. How are you today?”

Me: “I’m good, thanks, other than being really constipated.”

Cashier: *blank stare*

Me: *smiling more and more insecurely*

Cashier: “Um…” *clicking* “Oh, you mean congested?”

Me: “Ohhh, oh, my gosh yes! I’m so sorry. I got the words mixed up.”

Cashier: “You’re not from around here, are you?”

(This happens when I am about fifteen and pretty naive. I am on a school trip to Manchester and my family has given me a LOT of money to spend on books, as I am an avid and passionate reader. When I go to the book shop, I see a display with a “buy one, get one half-price” deal, with every book marked with a sticker. I do not read the fine print. I just take one book with a sticker that interests me and then I wander around the shop searching for other treasures. When I am finally done, in a state of bliss, I have about five or six books with me. The cashier is working on the other side of the room and hurries over.)

Me: “Don’t worry; I’ve got time!” *puts my books on the counter* “And lots of books! My parents gave me a massive allowance just for this trip!”

Cashier: *laughing* “That’s like letting a child loose in a candy shop!”

Me: “Yeah! And I saw you guys have that half-price deal! Of course, I took advantage of that!”

(The cashier looks through the books, and after a brief pause, murmurs:)

Cashier: “Let’s pretend this one has a sticker, too.”

(I didn’t get what she meant; I just smiled happily. It took me THREE YEARS and another trip to England to realise what she meant: only the books from the display were part of the deal, while I had taken it to mean one book from the display and any random book from the shop. Thank you, kind cashier, for putting up with my youthful naïveté!)

(My colleague takes a phone call. I stop and listen as it seems to turn weird.)

Colleague: “No, sir. We do not sell phones.”

(Pause.)

Colleague: “No, sir. You can’t have bought your phone at our store; we are a bookstore. Maybe it was the electronics store across the street. They moved to [Street] last year.”

(Pause.)

Colleague: “Yes, I am talking on a phone right now, but that is the store’s phone. We bought it.”

(Pause.)

Colleague: “No, I can’t sell you that phone, sorry.”

(Pause.)

Colleague: “No, sir. Please don’t call again.”