My Boss, The Cookie Monster

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Working | March 17, 2013

(I’m in the back room before my shift, putting some homemade cookies on the break table. The manager has just clocked out and is putting on her coat to go home.)

Manager: “Oh, what are these?”

Me: “I baked some chocolate chip cookies earlier today! I have enough to share with everyone on staff. The guys at the register said they couldn’t wait to try them on their break tonight! Would you like some?”

Manager: “This is great! They smell so good!”

(Before I can say anything else, she pulls a giant ziplock bag out of her purse and dumps the entire tray of cookies inside.)

Manager: “I’m having people over for dinner tonight, and I didn’t have time to make them dessert! This is perfect. Thanks for sharing!”

(And then she walked out the door with my two dozen cookies! The guys at the registers were so upset when they found out they weren’t going to get any. The next time I made cookies, I put them all in individual baggies with nametags on them!)

Totally, Like, Excruciatus

| Hazel Grove, NY, USA | Learning | March 12, 2013

(Two girls enter the bookstore. I recognize them as being two ditzy girls from my English class.)

Me: “Hey, [Girl #1] and [Girl #2], what’s up? I didn’t think you guys liked hanging out in bookshops?”

Girl #1: *giggles* “Duh! Did you like think that we’re geeks or something?”

Girl #2: “Like, duh, I’m just looking for this book for my sister.”

(Said sister happens to be one of my good friends.)

Me: “Oh, what book does Jen want?”

Girl #2: “It’s like, this book with some totally geeky wizards or something.”

Me: “Do you mean Harry Potter? She’s already got those books.”

Girl #2: “Like, no duh! It’s like, written by some totally old-ish chick named Jane or something. It’s like, about this chick named Emma.”

Me:Emma by Jane Austen hasn’t got any wizards.”

Girl #2: “Ain’t Emma that witch or something? That nerdy, bushy-haired one?”

Me: “That’s Hermione Granger. Her actress is Emma Watson.”

Girl #2: *huffing* “What-EVER! I’m like, so totally out of here, you geek!”

Limping Through College

| Flint, MI, USA | Learning | March 12, 2013

Customer: “Can you help me find the book for my class?”

Me: “Sure. Do you have your course schedule?”

Customer: “Uh, no. Why?”

Me: “They tell me what books are needed for each class.”

Customer: “Cool.”

Me: “So, I need to know what class you’re taking.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “English, Math, Physics, Biology? If you can tell me what the course is, we might be able to find it that way.”

Customer: “Sorry, dude. I’m new to this whole college thing.”

Me: “How about your professor’s name? We’ve got quite a few professors that only teach one class.”

Customer: “My class is at night. Wednesdays, I think. And my teacher is a lady, with a limp.”

Me: *looking at a course card* “I found it! Wednesday nights, with the lady who limps.”

Customer: “Bro, you’re a life saver.”

Me: “I was kidding.”

Customer: “So, that’s not my book then?”

Making A Loud A-pee-l, Part 2

| MN, USA | Right | February 24, 2013

(As the bookstore I work for is closing down, we have started closing down the bathrooms. At this point, they’ve shut down one stall leaving only one left in the ladies room. I go in and there’s a rather long line for the single stall.)

Customer #1: *comes running in* “Oh… oh no, is there only one stall?”

Customer #2: “Yeah, but the line is moving pretty quick, though.”

Customer #1: “Oh no! This won’t do.” *rushes out*

(A few seconds later, Customer #1 comes back with two large paper coffee cups. She goes over to a corner, sets the cups on the floor, and drops her pants.)

Customer #1: “Okay, everyone! I really have to go! I have a bladder infection so if I don’t go right now, it won’t end well for me. Nobody look!”

(As she goes to drop her drawers, another woman comes out of the stall. I happen to be the next in line.)

Me: “Please! Go ahead of me! Apparently, you need the bathroom more than I do!”

Customer #1: “Are you sure? You probably have to go back to work. I’m okay with this.”

Me: “Nope! Just go!”

Customer #1: “Gee, thanks!” *shuffles into the stall with her pants around her ankles*

 

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It’s Not Getting Any Bella

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Right | February 19, 2013

Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

(I wait for a moment waiting for her to continue, before realizing she isn’t going to.)

Me: “What book are you looking for?”

Customer: “Well I don’t know the title or the author’s name.”

Me: “Is there anything at all you know about the book?”

Customer: “I know it has a blue cover.”

Me: “We have several hundred volumes with blue covers. Is there anything else you can tell me to help narrow it down?”

Customer: “Well, I think it was about a teenage girl.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that really doesn’t narrow it down much.”

Customer: “Oh my God! You are completely unhelpful! You should know what I’m talking about!”

Me: “I could point you in the direction of our teen section so you could have a look and see if you recognize anything.”

Customer: “That would take far too long! I just wanted one book, and you’ve completely wasted my time.” *storms out*

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