Portrait Of A Customer As A Young Man

| Curitiba, Brazil | Language & Words

Me: “Hi, this is [bookstore]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, do you have Ulysses in stock?”

Me: “We have it on paperback and hardcover. Do you want to make a reservation?”

Caller: “What is the author’s name?”

Me: “It’s James Joyce, sir.”

Caller: “J-A-M-E-S-J-O-Y-C-E, 10 letters… thank you! I’m doing some crosswords and I needed the answer to this. Thanks!” *click*

A Whale Of A Story

| Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

(My coworker and I have been laughing over a list of dumb laws during a quiet spell at the registers.)

Me: “Check this out. It’s illegal to hunt whales in Utah.”

Coworker: “Well, now, that’s not very specific. Is it illegal to hunt FOR them, as in go looking for one, or is it illegal to FIND one and harpoon it? Because, let me tell you, the second one is a lot harder!”

Me: “Well, if I ever go to Utah, I think I’ll walk up to a cop and ask them where I can go hunting for whales, just to see his reaction.”

(As we continue joking, a customer overhears us and becomes angry.)

Customer: “You filthy murderers! How can you think hunting whales is funny?!”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, there is little danger of me actually harming a whale in Utah.”

Customer: “That’s no excuse! You think you could get away with taunting a police officer by openly admitting you were going to commit a crime?”

Coworker: “Yes… actually, in this case, we probably could.”

Customer: “HOW?!”

Coworker: “Well, since whales live in the ocean and there are no oceans in Utah—”

Customer: “Don’t treat me like I’m stupid! I’m calling the producers of Whale Wars on you! You’ll be shamed in front of the whole nation!” *storms out*

Time To Close The Books On This One

| Livingston, NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

Me: “Thank you for calling [bookstore]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, yes, I’m trying to reach your store in Short Hills but no one will answer the phone.”

Me: “Oh… well, the location in Short Hills actually closed three years ago.”

Caller: “No, I don’t think you know what I’m talking about. I mean the one in the mall.”

Me: “Yes, that was our only location in Short Hills. It closed because the mall wanted to jack up the rent.”

Caller: “That’s ridiculous! I go to that store all the time. The number I have isn’t working and I can’t find it listed anywhere, so I need you to give me the phone number.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, but the number isn’t working because that store no longer exists. You can’t find it listed for the same reason.”

Caller: “I was there last week!”

Me: “I… don’t think that’s possible. There isn’t even a bookstore in that mall anymore.”

Caller: “Oh, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Get me the number or get me someone else who can!”

Me: “Ma’am, I actually used to work at that location. It closed down, so I transferred to this store three years ago. Is there something I can help you find, other than the number for the Short Hills store?”

Caller: “You know, the employees at the Short Hills store are going to be VERY upset that you’re saying this about them! I’m going to drive over there right now and tell them all about this!”

(One hour later, my coworker answers the phone.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling—”

Caller: “WHY IS THERE A CLOTHING STORE WHERE YOUR SHORT HILLS STORE USED TO BE?!”