A woman runs into the store with a copy of a book.

Customer: “Help! I’m doing this book for my book club tomorrow!”

Me: “Well, then it’s a good thing you have your copy with you.”

Customer: “But I haven’t read it! Help!”

Me: “Oh! Well, do you need a brief synopsis of the plot?”

Customer: “Is there, like, a movie of this?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not. The book only just came out, and—”

Customer: “Yes, but isn’t the book based on the movie?”

Me: “Usually, the movies are based on books. It sometimes happens the other way around, but rarely.”

Customer: “No! That’s not true! I read all the Harry Potter books, and they were based on the movies!”

Me: “Actually, the movies came after the books.”

Customer: “I read the books after the movies, so that means the books came after the movies!”

Me: “Actually, the first book was written in 1997, and the movie came out in 2001.”

Customer: “That’s not how I remember it.”

Related:
Totally, Like, Excruciatus, Part 2
Totally, Like, Sectumsempra
Totally, Like, Avada Kedavra
Totally, Like, Excruciatus

I work in a bookshop. My boss, the owner, was on maternity leave, and on this slow day, I was working with a student, who had been there for longer than me. We were making small talk when an old lady came in.

Coworker: “Hello, madam. How may I—”

Customer: *Speaking over my coworker* “I have a ton of stuff to buy!”

I took over the register while my coworker helped the lady. She had a lot of things to buy indeed, had a bunch of coupons, and regularly interrupted [Coworker] to say gratuitously:

Customer: “I know I am annoying, but I am spending a lot of money here!”

In total, my coworker spent more than half an hour helping the lady, plus some time checking her out.

The next day, I had the afternoon shift. When I arrived, [Coworker] was visibly distraught.

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]! Do you know who was here this morning?”

Guess who came back? The old lady! And she was furious. She was yelling at my coworker, accusing her of not scanning a coupon for a dictionary. My coworker said that yes, she had scanned it; she even printed the ticket from that day to show it to the lady, who was having none of it.

Customer: “You ripped me off, you b****! I know you did! I know the owner’s daughter, and I’ll have you fired, you incompetent c***!”

Coworker: “Madam, I don’t know what to tell you. The coupon was scanned; the ticket shows it. You see here? The dict—”

The lady cut her off to yell some more. This went back and forth before the old lady left.

Sometime in the afternoon, the phone rang and I picked up. Any guess as to who it was?

Customer: “The cashier ripped me off yesterday! I had a coupon, and she didn’t scan it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I was there yesterday. I saw her scan the coupon. She even showed me how to do it.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me, you b****! I know the owner’s daughter; I can have you fired in a minute!”

Me: *Fed up with the yelling* “Which daughter, ma’am? The three-year-old or the one who was born last week?”

Customer: “…Don’t act like you’re smart! I want to talk to [Owner]!” 

My boss did call her back. She told her to get lost and to stop harassing staff.

I work at the pick-up counter and register of a bookstore. I am not trained in advising customers on what they want to read. I cannot tell them which book they are looking for by color, the name of a character, or a half-quote from somewhere in the middle of a book. I can hand them a book they have previously ordered (if they remember their own name), take their money for in-store purchases, gift wrap their books, or tell them where they can find a decent restaurant or the closest bathroom. On a quiet day, I can place an order if they know exactly what they are looking for or I can find what they want on Google.

I get approached by a customer — an elderly lady who looks to be at least in her eighties.

Customer: “I am looking for the newest book by Brecht.”

Me: “Do you have your pick-up number for me? Otherwise, I need your name, please.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I haven’t ordered it.”

Me: “All right. Let me see if I can help you. By Bertolt Brecht, you said?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Okay. Well, Brecht has been dead since 1956, but there may of course be a “new” publication of some of his works. What do I know? I just work the register. I check our system but cannot find anything that seems to be what she is looking for.

Me: “Okay. I cannot really find anything current. Brecht, you said? Would you happen to have a title?”

Customer: “No. The newest one. I bought the first three books last year.”

I go back to checking the system. I can also not find anything that seems to match the “first three books” she bought recently.

Me: “I am really sorry. I don’t think I can find what you are looking for. You might want to head to the department on the second floor. My coworker may know what you are looking for. I am not really trained to help you.”

Customer: “Brecht. How hard can it be to find the most recent book by Brecht?”

I think I may have found the problem.

Me: “Are you possibly thinking of Precht? Not Brecht? Richard Precht?”

Customer: “Yes, Precht!”

Me: “All right. Are you looking for a fourth part of Eine Geschichte Der Philosophie? I can only find three volumes…”

A coworker walks past and sees me searching our system, a bit flustered, looks at the customer, and looks back at me.

Coworker: “She is looking for Proust. Check her account; I placed the order for her last week. It’s on back order.”

The order? “Auf Der Suche Nach Der Verlorenen Zeit” by Marcel Proust, a new edition, in three volumes.

A few years ago, I was heading to class to take a final in my music history class and forgot a scantron (a form where you fill in the bubbles for multiple-choice tests). I stopped by the college bookstore, grabbed a scantron, and ran up to the counter. This is when I met “her”. “Her” was a woman in her mid-fifties with wrinkles on her face that can only come with holding a constant scowl on your face for decades.

When I pulled out my card, she pointed to a sign that said there was a $10 minimum. Yes, $10. The scantron was about twenty cents. I can totally get a $5 minimum, but $10? Come on.

Well, I didn’t have any change in my pocket, but there was a “take a penny, leave a penny” jar. So, I reached over and grabbed a couple of dimes someone was kind enough to leave.

Employee: *Putting her hand over the jar* “You can leave change, but you can’t take change.”

At this point, I figured I could either get really upset or play the game she wanted.

Me: “I understand. There are a few more items I still need.”

I proceeded to go the the furthest corners of the store and pick up about $200 worth of small items from the highest, lowest, and most inconvenient spots in the store. The entire time, “Her” had a wicked smile on her face like she’d won.

I walked up to the counter with my basket, paid, and signed for the items. Then…

Me: “I’d like to return everything but the scantron please”.

She was livid! People don’t usually yell at me, but she completely lost it. She ended up calling the campus police and the other workers.

When the campus police arrived, they informed her that what I had done was completely legal. “Her” couldn’t handle it but had to refund me for everything but the scantron.

Campus Officer: *Smirking* “Please don’t do that again.”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

I was about twenty minutes late for the final, but I ended up making an A.

I am fixing some disorganized shelves in the bookstore when I overhear my female coworker talking to a male customer.

Customer: “Actually, you should have these programming books in the science section, not electronics. It’s a very complicated profession and involves good math and science skills. You have to be very intelligent.”

Coworker: “Yes, I’m studying programming at college.”

Customer: “Oh… really? Well, maybe you haven’t got to the hard stuff yet. Y’see, in programming, when—”

The customer then goes on a long-winded explanation of what it “takes” to be a programmer.

Customer: “And that’s what a programming language is.”

Coworker: “That’s amazing!”

Customer: “And I had to learn all of that in a year.”

Coworker: “Wow! You’re so smart! Good job.”

The poor customer has no idea she’s being sarcastic. She finally gets him to finish and buy the d*** book. I walk over to the counter after the customer is gone.

Me: “What an obnoxious mansplainer!” 

Coworker: “Oh, I like it when men try to explain the most simple components of the subject I’m about to get my degree in. I kind of treat them like toddlers. ‘Good job, little guy! You’re so smart!’ Only one of us is being condescending, and it’s not him.”