This is before the quarantine. I am at a bookstore, looking for a birthday present for my teenage son. A bookseller walks up to me, and at that moment, so does a boy of about five.

Bookseller: “Hi, can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I need a book recommendation for my son. He likes horror and gothic literature.”

The bookseller glances down at the boy. 

Bookseller: “Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer picture books?” 

Me: “No, I’m sure. He’d probably kill me if I tried to give him a picture book in front of his friends.”

Bookseller: “Sir, I really think you should consider something younger for your son.”

She gestures to the child.

Me: “That boy is not my son. My son is seventeen, almost eighteen.”

Bookseller: *Turns bright red and chuckles nervously* “Well, that changes things. What authors does he like?”

The little boy’s mother came along at that point and started scolding him for walking away, and the bookseller helped me find a good horror novel.

It’s Christmastime in the early 2000s and we’re very busy trying to help everyone find their gifts.

Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “I’ve been to over a dozen bookstores and I can’t find this book for my daughter.”

Me: “We’ll see what we can do. What’s it called?”

Customer: “It’s the Facebook.”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that one. Is it a makeup tutorial or something like that?”

Customer: “I don’t know. She just never stops talking about it and I want to surprise her. I think it has something to do with the Internet.”

Then, it clicked for me that she was talking about the website “Facebook,” and I did my best to explain it to her. She was very embarrassed but she appreciated my honesty. To this day, I don’t understand how so many other stores let her go on trying to find “the Facebook.”

Customer: “The sign says these books are three for $10, but the price stickers say $3.33 each. Which is it?”

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A woman comes up to the registers with two of her friends. They’re gabbing nonstop, and the lady in question doesn’t even pause as she plops an armful of books on my counter. I can live with this; I don’t have to make small talk. I ring up her books.

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Your total is $11.50.”

Customer: *To her friends* “Blah blah blah.”

She absently pulls out a $10 bill and sort of limply tosses it in my direction.

Me: “Ma’am, the total is $11.50. Do you have another $1.50?”

She barely breaks eye contact with her friend to tilt her head a tiny smidge in my direction.

Customer: “No. So, anyway… [yakkity shmackity].”

Me: *Pauses* “Uh… Okay, then…” *Ahem* “Ma’am, will you please choose which of these books you are not buying today?”

Record scratch. I suddenly have her full and complete attention.

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Please choose which of these books you want me to take off your total and put away, since you’re not buying it today.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? I want to buy them all!”

Me: *Speaking with infinite patience* “Well, ma’am, your total is $11.50. You only gave me $10. I asked you if you had more money to cover the full amount of your total, and you told me you didn’t. So, I need to ask you to choose which book you’re not going home with today.”

I pick up a random book at random, shake it gently in the air, and make as if to go put it on the go-backs shelf.

Customer: “Oh! Wait a minute, I, um, uh…”

She turns a bit red, promptly fishes in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it over. I smile my Retail Smile™.

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Here’s your change. Have a nice day!”

No apology, but she clearly felt at least a little bit ashamed or guilty for not paying attention, because she wouldn’t look me in the eye as her friends make faint snickering sounds.

I don’t think she was being malicious or trying to lie about not having money until she was called out; I just think she wasn’t paying attention at all. She just fired off a “no” at random to what she thought was a generic retail question so she could get back to her all-important conversation. She had no reason to give an anonymous retail person the time of day… until she suddenly discovered that something important was actually happening.

We can all hope that the incident taught her a small lesson, but I’m not taking any actual bets on that.

A few weeks ago, I was in the city’s largest (and arguably best) bookstore

I was wandering down a somewhat tight aisle of freestanding bookshelves about shoulder-high, with my messenger bag over my shoulder and a book open in my hands. My attention was firmly on the book, as I was reading the first few pages to get a sense of the writing style, which would help me decide whether to buy it or not.

I didn’t take much notice as a young guy walked down the aisle towards me. It is important to note that my bag closes with a zip along the top and that this zip was half-open.

The guy brushed me as he walked past me in the small space, and had I been paying more attention to my surroundings, I would have felt him reach into my bag for my wallet. Unfortunately for the thief, I had a runny nose at the time and had been using the travel packet of tissues I kept in my bag throughout the day. Even more unfortunately for him, I had yet to find a bin and had been casually stuffing the sopping used tissues in my bag, hence the half-open zip.

I did feel him yank his hand out with a cry of disgust, and as I spun on him, I saw him run off with an expression of horror on his face, holding his left hand like it was contaminated with something foul — which, in fairness, it was. 

I checked my bag and everything was there, so I finished my browsing and bought the books I had decided on with a satisfied smile on my face.

This story is part of our Best Of January 2021 roundup!

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