That Won’t Fly In This Store

| Boston, MA, USA | Rude & Risque

(A disheveled, belligerent customer approaches our manager.)

Customer: “You need to tell me why that old woman on the third floor is cussin’ me out!”

Manager: “Another customer, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, she’s yellin’ at me, and you need to make her stop!”

(The manager speaks with an employee upstairs to get the other customer’s side of the story, and then returns to the first customer.)

Manager: “Sir, the other customer claims you exposed yourself to her.”

Customer: “I’m a customer here all the time! You need to make her stop!”

Manager: “Sir, I have to ask you to stop.”

Customer: “What?! I’m a customer! Why?”

Manager: “Because your fly is down.”

Customer: “Well, it happens!”

What A BS Degree

, | The Netherlands | Bigotry, School

(I’ve been helping a student from China get her books for her Master’s programme. Her English is fine, but she has a strong accent. After I’ve finished helping her, the next customer steps up.)

Customer: “If that’s how she speaks English, she’s going to have serious trouble with Dutch. She’ll be useless in class!”

Me: “Actually, her courses are all in English, so she won’t have to learn Dutch.”

Customer: “What? That’s ridiculous! They’re making all these courses in English to let lazy foreigners get in easily. What about us, hmm? We have to put up with having to speak a foreign language in our own country just so she can come here and basically get handed a place at university by the stupid management. I bet she’ll get a job here, too. Everyone seems to think it’s more prestigious to hire some foreigner than someone who actually knows the language and the culture and everything!”

Me: “… Anyway, let’s get your books. What is your major?”

Customer: “International relations.”

The Caste-mer Is Always Right

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(At our bookstore, we don’t employ cleaners; everyone pitches in, including the manager. At the end of one day, I am mopping the floor. There is still one customer browsing around after making purchases.)

Customer: “Hey, weren’t you my cashier?”

Me: “Yes, I was.”

Customer: “Then why are you cleaning? Where are your cleaners?”

Me: “No cleaners here; everyone pitches in.”

Customer: “Why? Only the lowest of people should be cleaning. You’re better than that.”

Me: “The manager does the cleaning, too.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! He’s the manager. No manager in their right mind would clean! I would never clean if I was a manager.”

Me: “Well, ours does. Do you have a problem with that?”

Customer: “Yes! I’m not coming back here again!” *storms out*

Not Feeling Your Fetishes

| Mankato, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

(I’m ringing a customer up, when suddenly she runs her fingers through my hair as I’m leaning down to write something.)

Customer: “Sorry! Couldn’t resist. Such soft hair! I have a hair fetish… and a foot fetish. But only if they’re clean. You have clean fingernails! So, you’re good.”

Me: “Uh, thanks…”

Incredibly Incognito

| Livingston, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(I’ve been called to the registers, where a customer has been causing a scene because our cashier cannot find a book she ordered.)

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am. Did you receive a phone call that your order was in?”

Customer: “No! But I ordered it a month ago and the salesperson told me it would only take about five days. I knew that girl was an idiot!”

Cashier: “I searched all over and I can’t find a book under her name. There isn’t even a record of it in our system.”

Me: “Is it possible you ordered it at a different store? We wouldn’t—”

Customer: “NO! Stop asking me stupid questions and find my d***ed book!”

Me: “What was the title of the book? I can try to find your order that way.”

Customer: “It was [title of book]. Honestly, I can’t believe how incompetent you people are. No wonder everyone shops online these days. I’d look into it myself, but I never give out my personal information. Anyway, can you believe it’s been A MONTH?! What kind of business are you running, anyway? Frankly, I don’t think I should have to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, someone did place an order for that book, but the name doesn’t match yours and it was only two days ago.”

Customer: “That’s it! That’s my order!”

Me: “But the name isn’t yours, and there’s a completely different home address and phone number.”

Customer: “Are you deaf?! I just told you I never give my personal information out!”

Me: “Wait, so if you used a different name and phone number, why didn’t you give us that information instead?”

Customer: “I made it up! You people are always asking for information. How am I supposed to remember what I told you?!”

Me: “You also said you ordered it a month ago.”

Customer: “Oh, am I supposed to keep track of how long it’s been?! You want me to do your WHOLE job for you?! I don’t care! I just want the book!”

Me: “You also called us incompetent. Repeatedly.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t live in the past so much. It’ll give you wrinkles!”

Related:
Combo Incognito
Indecisively Incognito
Rejection Incognito
Photo Incognito
Unraveling Incognito
Complaining Incognito

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