The Caste-mer Is Always Right

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(At our bookstore, we don’t employ cleaners; everyone pitches in, including the manager. At the end of one day, I am mopping the floor. There is still one customer browsing around after making purchases.)

Customer: “Hey, weren’t you my cashier?”

Me: “Yes, I was.”

Customer: “Then why are you cleaning? Where are your cleaners?”

Me: “No cleaners here; everyone pitches in.”

Customer: “Why? Only the lowest of people should be cleaning. You’re better than that.”

Me: “The manager does the cleaning, too.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! He’s the manager. No manager in their right mind would clean! I would never clean if I was a manager.”

Me: “Well, ours does. Do you have a problem with that?”

Customer: “Yes! I’m not coming back here again!” *storms out*

Not Feeling Your Fetishes

| Mankato, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Wild & Unruly

(I’m ringing a customer up, when suddenly she runs her fingers through my hair as I’m leaning down to write something.)

Customer: “Sorry! Couldn’t resist. Such soft hair! I have a hair fetish… and a foot fetish. But only if they’re clean. You have clean fingernails! So, you’re good.”

Me: “Uh, thanks…”

Incredibly Incognito

| Livingston, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(I’ve been called to the registers, where a customer has been causing a scene because our cashier cannot find a book she ordered.)

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am. Did you receive a phone call that your order was in?”

Customer: “No! But I ordered it a month ago and the salesperson told me it would only take about five days. I knew that girl was an idiot!”

Cashier: “I searched all over and I can’t find a book under her name. There isn’t even a record of it in our system.”

Me: “Is it possible you ordered it at a different store? We wouldn’t—”

Customer: “NO! Stop asking me stupid questions and find my d***ed book!”

Me: “What was the title of the book? I can try to find your order that way.”

Customer: “It was [title of book]. Honestly, I can’t believe how incompetent you people are. No wonder everyone shops online these days. I’d look into it myself, but I never give out my personal information. Anyway, can you believe it’s been A MONTH?! What kind of business are you running, anyway? Frankly, I don’t think I should have to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, someone did place an order for that book, but the name doesn’t match yours and it was only two days ago.”

Customer: “That’s it! That’s my order!”

Me: “But the name isn’t yours, and there’s a completely different home address and phone number.”

Customer: “Are you deaf?! I just told you I never give my personal information out!”

Me: “Wait, so if you used a different name and phone number, why didn’t you give us that information instead?”

Customer: “I made it up! You people are always asking for information. How am I supposed to remember what I told you?!”

Me: “You also said you ordered it a month ago.”

Customer: “Oh, am I supposed to keep track of how long it’s been?! You want me to do your WHOLE job for you?! I don’t care! I just want the book!”

Me: “You also called us incompetent. Repeatedly.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t live in the past so much. It’ll give you wrinkles!”

Related:
Combo Incognito
Indecisively Incognito
Rejection Incognito
Photo Incognito
Unraveling Incognito
Complaining Incognito

It Pays To Be Patient, Part 2

| Jackson, WY, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(A customer has just bought three books and has asked me to ship them as gifts. I haven’t done any shipping projects yet, and am unsure of what to charge, so I go downstairs and ask my boss about the price before returning to the customer. Note: A coworker has been standing at the register next to me during this exchange.)

Me: “So, the shipping for those books would be eight dollars for the regular postal service or twelve dollars UPS shipping.”

Customer: “Oh, I want to send them through the regular postal service, but to three separate addresses.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I misunderstood. Let me check with my boss if the prices would be any different, one moment.”

(I go downstairs to speak with my boss again, and come back with new prices.)

Me: “For three separate packages, that would be nine dollars.”

(The customer hands me one dollar.)

Me: “Oh… I’m sorry. That’s nine dollars for the shipping.”

Customer: “But you already took my money!”

Me: “Well, you already paid for the books, but I didn’t take any money for the shipping.”

Customer: “You have a very bad memory, young lady! I gave you ten dollars. You went to the register right there and rung in the money!”

(I look over at the register, which clearly displays the last transaction. It shows his total for the three books he bought.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but the register shows that the last thing I did on it was ring up your books.”

Customer: “Well! You just have a TERRIBLE memory! I already paid you!”

Me: “If you want, I can look on the register and show you the last transactions that were made, but—”

Customer: “CHECK.”

(I go through the old receipts, and of course there is no receipt for any shipping. I ask my coworker if she saw me ring it up, since she’s been watching the entire time, and she says no.)

Me: “Sir, there is no receipt on the register. I promise you I did not take your money for anything but the books.”

Customer: “Well, you certainly took care of any future plans I had to do business here!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

(As we finish his transaction, the customer continues muttering under his breath the entire time. Once I put in his order, he suddenly stops muttering.)

Customer: *grudgingly* “…I’m going to have to apologize for giving you such a hard time, young lady.”

(I look over and see that he’s picked up the pile of objects he’d placed on the table during the transaction and, lo and behold, discovered the ten dollar bill he’d accused me of taking underneath. He left the store as quickly as possible and hasn’t been back since!)

Related:
It Pays To Be Patient

50 Clichés Of Grey

| Darlington, UK | Crazy Requests, Top

Customer: “I want this book banned! It’s offensive and crude!” *slams a copy of 50 Shades of Grey onto the counter*

Employee: “I’m sorry you find it smutty sir, but—”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have a problem with that. It’s just poorly written.”

Employee: “Fair enough, I suppose. You do realise that we can’t just ban books for that?”

Customer: *grins sheepishly* “I know, but it was worth a try.”

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