It’s Best To Book It

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Liars & Scammers, Top

(I’m the merchandising manager of a large bookstore. I see a man looking around for books. He seems quite perplexed, so I try to help him.)

Me: “May I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m having a h*** of a time finding these books on my list.”

Me: “What’s the first book?”

(I help him find half the books on the list, but he seems to be having a hard time reading the list. )

Me: “Maybe you could just give me the list, and I’ll find them for you?”

Customer: “Oh, yes!”

(He hands me a crumpled receipt from my store.)

Me: “So, you want to replace these books you purchased before?”

Customer: “Well, no… I was thinking I could get these books, take them to the front counter with the receipt and get money baaaaaa—” *trails off*

(There’s a bit of deadly silence as the customer realizes that he’s been caught.)

Customer: “I guess that won’t work now, huh?”

Me: “I think you should leave the store, sir. Have a nice day.”

Freed Vibrations

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Rude & Risque

(I am standing in line at a book store. The customer in front of me is getting rung through. She’s about 45, and the cashier is maybe 19.)

Customer: “Have you read these?” *holds up 50 Shades Darker*

Cashier: “Oh… no.”

Customer: “Oh, you MUST! They’re amazing!”

Cashier: “So I hear.”

Customer: *puts the book to her chest* “Oh, they’re just amazing!”

Cashier: “Uh huh.”

(The customer proceeds to go on and on about how sexy and scandalous the books are. The cashier is doing her very best to ignore her and just ring her through.)

Customer: *after paying* “Oh, thank you very much! One more thing: do you know where I can buy some batteries?”

The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 11

| FL, USA | Uncategorized

(I am a customer at a bookstore. I’m browsing the teen literature section to see what all the hype is over the Twilight series. A nearby customer sees me paging through one of the books and speaks up excitedly.)

Girl: “I love Twilight!”

Me: “Oh, are you interested in vampire stories?”

Girl: “Absolutely! I love anything to do with vampires! I know about all there is to know about them!”

Me: “You must be a big Bram Stoker fan, then.”

Girl: *quizzical look* “Who is that?”

Me: *puts Twilight down quickly*

Related:
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 10
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 9
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 8
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 7
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 6
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 5
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
The Twilight Of Our Literacy

Portrait Of A Customer As A Young Man

| Curitiba, Brazil | Language & Words

Me: “Hi, this is [bookstore]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, do you have Ulysses in stock?”

Me: “We have it on paperback and hardcover. Do you want to make a reservation?”

Caller: “What is the author’s name?”

Me: “It’s James Joyce, sir.”

Caller: “J-A-M-E-S-J-O-Y-C-E, 10 letters… thank you! I’m doing some crosswords and I needed the answer to this. Thanks!” *click*

A Whale Of A Story

| Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

(My coworker and I have been laughing over a list of dumb laws during a quiet spell at the registers.)

Me: “Check this out. It’s illegal to hunt whales in Utah.”

Coworker: “Well, now, that’s not very specific. Is it illegal to hunt FOR them, as in go looking for one, or is it illegal to FIND one and harpoon it? Because, let me tell you, the second one is a lot harder!”

Me: “Well, if I ever go to Utah, I think I’ll walk up to a cop and ask them where I can go hunting for whales, just to see his reaction.”

(As we continue joking, a customer overhears us and becomes angry.)

Customer: “You filthy murderers! How can you think hunting whales is funny?!”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, there is little danger of me actually harming a whale in Utah.”

Customer: “That’s no excuse! You think you could get away with taunting a police officer by openly admitting you were going to commit a crime?”

Coworker: “Yes… actually, in this case, we probably could.”

Customer: “HOW?!”

Coworker: “Well, since whales live in the ocean and there are no oceans in Utah—”

Customer: “Don’t treat me like I’m stupid! I’m calling the producers of Whale Wars on you! You’ll be shamed in front of the whole nation!” *storms out*