I have a line of people at my bookstore’s checkout. A customer cuts in line, asking:

Customer: “Can you tell me where [Newly Released Book] is?”

Me: “It’s on the table behind you.”

The customer walks a few feet over to the table.

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “It’s literally the whole pile of books on that table.”

Customer: *Picks up a copy.* “This one?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “You should have just gotten it for me.”

Me: “You’re standing closer to it than I am. The book title is right there on the cover.”

Customer: “Still, you should have gotten it for me. I shouldn’t have to read the titles to know what the book is.”

Me: “Sir… are you sure books are for you?”

Customer: “Do you have books on science, but for kids?”

Me: “We do! How old is the child in question?”

Customer: “Twelve, but we might need to go younger.”

Me: “How young?”

Customer: “I asked him what a solid was, and he said it was when someone does you a favor.”

Me: “So… first grade?”

It’s early morning, and I’m restocking magazines. I work in a super blue state and a super blue county. A kindly-looking older woman sidles up to me in magazines, smiling.

Customer: “I like coming this early. No [n-word]s!”

It takes me a moment to process what I just heard.

Me: “Well, ma’am, I will have to start coming into work later if this is when the miserable bigoted racist c***s come in.”

Customer: *Gasps.* “That is an obscenely offensive word to use!”

Me: “Are you being serious?!”

It was telling that she was offended by being called the c-word and not a bigot/racist…

I was at the Info desk during the rollout of the proprietary e-reader and was wearing a “eReader Certified” badge.

An old lady came up to ask a question, saw the badge, stopped mid-sentence, and said:

Customer: “Oh. How nice. You can read.”

She turned and left the store. My manager and I were cracking up.

Customer: “I want to return this book.”

I see an issue with this book immediately and already know how this is going to go. Still, I feel the need to play along.

Me: “Can I see the receipt?”

Customer: “Lost it.”

Me: “Then I can’t do the return.”

Customer: “Yeah, you can. Get a manager to override it.”

Me: “I’m a manager, and there’s nothing to override. This book is a Book Club Edition.”

Customer: *Blank stare.*

Me: “This is a book that you, or someone you know, bought at a book club. They’re shaped differently to designate them as book club books.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! It’s just a limited edition!”

Me: “It has a ‘Book Of The Month’ logo on the spine.”

Customer: “I still got it here! Gimme my refund!”

Me: “You can’t get these at bookstores. That’s kinda the point.”

Customer: “You can’t prove I didn’t get it here!”

Me: “Ma’am, please leave.”

Customer: “Not until I get my refund!”

Me: “Not happening.”

She screams and tosses the book at me before storming out. I pick up the book, look at the title, and smirk. It’s called ‘Count My Lies.’