Me: *answering the phone* “Thank you for calling [bookstore]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “What are your hours?”
Me: “We’re open from 9 to 10 every day.”
Customer: “You’re only open for one hour?!”
Me: “Oh, no, 9 AM to 10 PM.”
Customer: “That’s only one hour!”
(A couple approaches the information desk while I’m manning it. They are probably in their mid-60s.)
Me: “Can I help you find something?”
Customer: “Yes, where are your paperbacks by Clancy?”
Me: “They’re right over here in fiction; follow me.”
(They tag along behind me as I lead them the 10 steps over to the fiction wall.)
Me: “He’s this whole shelf, and part of the next one. Was there anything else you were looking for today?”
Customer: “Other stuff like him. You know, like Woods, Connelly, and Lescroart.”
Me: “Well, they’re all here in fiction too. It’s alphabetical by author, so you can work your way down from here. Woods is right at the end by the window.”
Customer: *peevish* “Why can’t you people just put all the stuff I like together?!”
(At this point his wife, who has been silent the whole time, chimes in.)
Customer’s Wife: “Because the world STILL doesn’t revolve around you, dear.” *to me* “His mother has a lot to answer for!”
(A woman walks up to the register with four pages out of four different books: a Grisham, a Kinsella, a King, and a Straub.)
Me: “Did you find these pages loose?”
Customer: “No, I ripped them out. I want to buy them for ten cents per page. Is that okay?”
Me: *shocked* “Um, no!”
Customer: *turns and leaves the store*
(This happened about six years ago when I was trying to spend my birthday money on comic books. A girl with a guide dog comes in all dressed up to pass in a resume. She gives it to the owner and smiles softly.)
Girl With Guide Dog: *to owner* “I was hoping you’d be hiring.”
Owner: *takes her resume* “How about you come in Wednesday at two for an interview?”
Girl With Guide Dog: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m hard of hearing. Would you mind facing me when you talk?”
Owner: *gruffly* “Nevermind. There are no openings. We just finished hiring.”
Girl With Guide Dog: *sadly* “Oh… thank you anyway.”
(Having overheard everything, ALL the customers in the store simultaneously left without buying anything. I haven’t been back since!)
(I am helping a mother and her teenage son go through his summer reading list to find a book that will meet his requirement. I usually do this by working with the kid to find one that they’re genuinely interested in reading, but in this case, the mother keeps interrupting.)
Customer: “My god, look at how long all these books are!”
Me: *to the son* “You said you like mysteries, right? And Then There Were None is on your son’s reading list. I think you’d like it.”
Customer: *looking at the book* “It’s almost four hundred pages! How do you expect him to finish that thing?”
Me: “Well, he does have the whole summer.”
Customer: “Absolutely not! How can they expect him to read that much? It’s insane!”
Customer’s Son: *reading the back cover* “Mom, this actually sounds really good. There are ten people on an island and they start dying one by one.”
Customer: “Honey, you shouldn’t have to read that much. You’ll waste your whole summer! We want a book that’s under a hundred pages.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but none of these books are going to be under a hundred pages. I think the shortest one is about two hundred.”
Customer: “This is so ridiculous. How can they do this to him? Let’s pick a book from that rack over there. Those look much more manageable.”
Me: “Ma’am, that display is required reading for the local elementary school.”
Customer: “I don’t care what it is. We’re picking from there.”
Me: “None of those are on the reading list. Your son is going into tenth grade.”
Customer: “Well, these look like the books I would want to read. If I ever wanted to read, that is.”
Customer’s Son: “I think we should just get the one he recommended. It sounds awesome!”
Customer: “Forget it. You know what? We’re gonna drive by the school so I can complain to the principal. It’s ridiculous for them to expect you to read during the summer! That’s crazy!”
