Maybe If George Lucas Got His Hands On Them

| | Right | January 12, 2010

(A bookstore customer hands me a copy of the re-release of 101 Dalmatians.)

Customer: “What does re-mastered mean?”

Me: “They just made the colors brighter and the sound better.”

Customer: “Oh, so it’s the same as before?”

Me: “Yeah, just brighter colors and better sound.”

Customer: “They didn’t change the story or anything?”

Me: “No, it’s just brighter colors and better sound.”

Customer: “Did they make the dogs cuter?”

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Deafening Silence

| | Right | December 23, 2009

Customer: “It’s so loud in here!”

Me: “I know right? Christmas is crazy for us every year.”

Customer: “It’s so loud, why do people have to talk so loudly?”

Me: “Sorry sir, it’s just because there’s so many people.”

Customer: “Forget this! I’m turning off my hearing aid. You guys should really try to keep the noise level down.”

Me: “Right you are sir! If that’ll be all, your total is ***.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Your total, sir? It’s ***.”

Customer: “Speak up! I can’t hear you!”

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A Bozo By Any Other Name, Part 2

| | Right | November 11, 2009

(This happened back in 2003 during the East Coast Blackout when I was a cashier at a bookstore. Although Edmonton is far from the East coast, all our debit, credit and gift-card machines are tied into servers in Eastern Canada.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to get this book…” *passes me the book and a gift card*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our gift card system is down right now.”

Customer: “This is bulls**t! My kids bought this card for me yesterday, and now I can’t use it?”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we can put the book on hold for you.”

Customer: “This is a scam! You guys are trying to rip me off!”

Me: “Sir…”

Customer: “Don’t call me sir!”

Me: “Now, sir…”

Customer: “Don’t call me sir! Call me an a**hole, but don’t call me sir!” *stomps out of the store*

 

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Three Dimensions Is Two Too Many

| | Right | October 30, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?”

Me: “Umm…sorry?”

Customer: “Why are you closed?”

Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.”

Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her*

Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!”

Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”

Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”

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The Beginnings Of A Three Hour Cruise

| | Right | October 7, 2009

(A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”

Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”

Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”

Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”

Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”

(He grabs the customer by the hand and drags her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)

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