I Sense A Schism

| | Right | June 18, 2008

(I work for a bookstore that sells bibles. We get a lot of interesting customers that call…)

Me: “***, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have the book of Chronicles?”

Me: “Do you want a commentary for it?”

Customer: “No. You know, the book of Chronicles that they talk about in the bible. Do you have that?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Have you ever read a bible?”

Me: “Yes, I have…”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking for the book of Chronicles.”

Me: “Let me search our computer system and see if I can find something.” *I pretend to search the computer* “The only thing I can find is the actual books in the bible called first and second Chronicles.”

Customer: “Do y’all have that in the store? Where’s it at?”

(I pull a bible off the shelf and tell him the exact location of the books.)

Customer: “I’ve never seen that in any of my bibles.”

Me: “Sir, these two books have been in here for over 2,000 years.”

Customer: “Not in any bible I’ve read!”

(After the customer finally hung up, I asked my manager to shoot me.)

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Employee Of The Year

| | Right | June 17, 2008

Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “What was the title?”

Customer: “I can’t remember.”

Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

Customer: “I saw it recently…”

Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

Me: “…”

(And I found it!)

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When You’re A Brand W**re, Every Cent Counts

, | | Right | June 7, 2008

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $2.00.”

Customer: *shocked* “What? The sign said $1.85! How can it be $2.00?”

Me: “Yeah, $1.85 plus 15 cents for tax.”

Customer: *sighs loudly and opens up her Chanel bag to take two dollars out of her Gucci wallet*

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Old Dames Have The Best Backhands

| | Right | June 3, 2008

Old Lady: “And how old are you, about sixteen?”

Me: “I’m twenty-seven years old, ma’am.”

Old Lady: “But… you’re so pretty!”

Me: “Er, thanks.”

(I guess I should try harder to look ugly from now on.)

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Shopping Amongst The Commoners

| | Right | May 16, 2008

Customer: “I’m here to pick up a book I ordered.”

Me: “Did you receive a card saying it was in?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Great, let me get it for you. What’s your last name?”

Customer: *gives last name*

Me: *goes to special order shelf, behind the cashwrap, to find the book*

Customer: *comes behind the cashwrap and looks too*

Me: “Sir, I need to ask you to step back in front of the registers. This is a secure area.”

Customer: *ignores, keeps looking*

Me: “Sir, please step back! We don’t allow customers in this area!”

Customer: *grumbles, steps back*

Me: *finds book, completes sale*

Customer: *leaves*

Coworker, laughing: “Do you know who that was?”

Me: “Well…he looked familiar.”

Coworker: “That was the governor! You just bossed the governor around!”

(I felt a little silly for not recognizing him, but he hadn’t been governor for long, had a common last name and looked like every other rich, entitled guy who ever came into the store.)

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