(I run a small bookstore that specializes in first edition hardbacks. We had our fair share of weird requests. One day, a lady calls to see if we have a book.)

Caller: “Hello, I’m looking for a book but I can’t remember the title.”

Me: “Okay. Who was it written by?”

Caller: “I can’t remember that either.”

Me: “Do you remember what the book was about? That would help me narrow it down.”

Caller: “Can’t you just list the books you have in the store? I’m sure I would know the name if I heard it.”

Me: “Ma’am, you seriously want me to list the 18,000 books we have in stock, over the phone?”

Caller: “Would it help if I told you it was a hardback book?”

Me: “Ma’am. We only sell hardback books.”

Caller: “Then just list them and like I told you before, I’ll know it when I hear it.”

(Our bookstore has its own TARDIS that we use to display Doctor Who and other science fiction books and toys on. The following conversation between one of our booksellers and an indignant customer recently happened:)

Customer: “Why do you have a police box in your store?”

Bookseller: “It’s from the show Doctor Who.”

Customer: *blank look* “I am unfamiliar with that.”

Bookseller: “It’s a British science fiction show.”

Customer: *haughtily* “Aren’t you afraid of the implications?”

Bookseller: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “That you are misleading people. What if someone had an actual emergency and needed to call the police? And all you have this fake police phone box.”

Bookseller: “We have actual telephones. And everyone here could easily dial 911 on their cells.”

Customer: “You’re lying to people.”

Employee: “It’s a British phone box from the 1960s. Even if it worked, all we’d get were British police from the 1960s and they’d have to come a very long way. Or we might get the Doctor.”

Customer: “Who?”

Employee: “Yes.”

(I am working at a bookstore with one other person on shift. We have a cigar corner that is locked for legal reasons. My coworker is on the sales floor helping a customer. I am behind the counter ringing through a sale. A man comes up and stands in front of the cigar room door, talking on his cell phone. I can hear my coworker talking to her customer and then suddenly is interrupted by the man on his phone. I look over and he’s waving and pointing at the cigar room, still on his phone.)

Coworker: *comes up to me, my customer has left* “Yeah, can you push the buzzer to let him in?”

Me: “Sure.” *pushes the buzzer*

Coworker: “Did you see that? He PINCHED me to get my attention!”

(My mother and I are both huge bookworms. I’m in a bookshop with her when I spot a few I like.)

Me: “Hmm. I’m not sure whether to get these or not. I’ve got quite a few at home to catch up on.”

Mother: “Go on, treat yourself. It’s been ages since you bought any new books.”

Me: “What about that haul the day before yesterday?”

Mother: “Yes, but before that it’d been a while.”

Me: “I brought another load of books last week.”

Mother: “Okay, before THAT…”

(I love my mom.)

(My store exclusively sells religious books and gift items, such as posters. One of the posters depicts a funny fictional scene from The Old Testament: while Israelites catch manna falling from the sky in their mouths, one guy chokes in disgust. A bird flying overhead implies that he caught something much less pleasant than heavenly bread.)

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “Oh, that’s an example of some of the posters we have for sale. That manna one is the most popular. People get a big kick out of it.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you would have a poster like this! How offensive!”

(This is the first time I’ve ever heard a customer complain about this particular poster. Most people chuckle when they walk past it.)

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You should be! It’s disrespectful to one of the great patriarchs!”

Me “You mean Moses? He’s not the choking guy in the poster. He’s standing off to the side, see?”

Customer: “No! This entire poster is disrespectful! What a disgrace that you hang it in a Christian store!”

Me: “Well, can I help you find something else that’s more tasteful?”

Customer: “No, but you can get me your manager!”

Me: “The manager? Why?”

Customer: “I demand that this poster be taken down immediately! It’s so offensive!”

Me: “Ma’am, the manager is really busy right now. I’ll be happy to tell her later that—”

Customer: “Get her out here NOW!”

(I go drag the manager away from her phone conference and bring her out. The customer repeats her complaints about the poster.)

Manager: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am, but the poster is one of the best-selling—”

Customer: “I demand that you take it down right now!”

Manager: “The poster is—”

Customer: “If you don’t take it down right now, I’ll never shop here again! You’ll lose all the money I spend at this store! I am a VERY loyal customer and come here all the time!”

(The manager rolled her eyes and took the poster down. Without even so much as a ‘thank you,’ the customer walked away in a huff. She didn’t buy anything… and we never saw her again after that. So much for that ‘loyal customer’!)