The Moon Is In Need Of A Reboot

| Iowa City, IA, USA | Bizarre

Customer: “Where are your books about conspiracies? I’m looking for an author named David Icke.”

Me: *showing him the section* “They’re here, in Cultural Studies.”

Customer: “I love reading about conspiracies. I never watch TV, you know, because it turns off part of your brain.”

(The customer proceeds to describe a number of increasingly unbelievable conspiracy theories.)

Customer: “…and the government built a weather control machine in Alaska, and they’re doing all kinds of crazy things with it. Do you know anything about this author? What does he write about?”

Me: “Well, as I understand it, he claims our reality is an illusion projected by the moon, which is really a computer built by lizard people who rule the world.”

Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know about that lizard people stuff. That seems a little far-fetched.”

(After about an hour of looking through them, he proceeds to buy a stack of David Icke books.)


In Line And Out Of Line, Part 15

| Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

(I’m a cashier and there’s a line of about 20 people at the registers. I’m helping my current customer when I see a man out of the corner of my eye. He spots the line, scowls, and then walks to the front of the line and smirkingly steps in front of the woman who is at the front of the line.)

Woman: “HEY!”

Man: *as my current customer walks away* “I’m next!”

(As he starts to walk up to my register, I deliberately look past him and say:)

Me: “Ma’am, I can help you next!”

(He stops, a look of confusion on his face as the woman steps around him.)

Man: “But I was next! What about me?!”

Me: “Sir, I just watched you cut in line. If you want to be helped, you’ll go to the back of the line and be helped when it’s actually your turn.”

(I help the lady get rung up, but I have a feeling about this guy so I keep watching him out of the corner of my eye. As she goes on her way, the guy, who hasn’t budged, steps right up to my register and plunks his books down.)

Man: “I’m. Next. I have a movie that’s going to start in a few minutes.”

Me: “You and everybody else.”

Man: *shoves a $10 bill at me* “Ring me up right now, and you can have this.”

(I then take his books off the counter and set them aside.)

Me: “You’re welcome to dance this dance with me, sir, but before you say another word, consider that there are twenty more people that you just cut in front of. So before I take this ten from you, I suggest you offer ten dollars to every OTHER person you just cut in front of.”

Man: “There’s no way I’m putting out that much money!”

Me: “Then I’m not letting you cut.”

Next Customer In Line: “Hey, a**-hole. We all learned how to wait in line in kindergarten. What’s your excuse?”

(The man snatched up his $10 and stomped to the back of the line.)

In Line And Out Of Line, Part 14
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 13
In Line And Out Of Line, Part 12


I’m Team Peppa

| NJ, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Liars & Scammers

(I work at a bookstore that closes at 10:00 pm. I am checking out my last customer when someone comes up to me and puts a book on the table.)

Customer: “Hello. I’d like to return this book.”

Me: “Of course, sir! Why would you like to return this book?”

Customer: “I gave it to my four-year-old son and he said that he couldn’t read it. There also weren’t any pictures in it.”

(As I continue to inspect the book, I realize he has given his son a Twilight book.)

Me: “Sir, you do realize that you just gave your son a Twilight book. He shouldn’t be reading this.”

Customer: “What? Man, you must be VERY stupid. If you know how to read, it says ‘Peppa Pig’ on the cover.”

Me: “Sir, I assure you that this is Twilight.”

(I then realized that the customer had taped a paper that read “Peppa Pig” over the normal title so that his son wouldn’t notice. He kept trying to convince me that it was Peppa Pig. He had to be escorted out when he tried to assault me.)


This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 58

| Iowa City, IA, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

(I am working at a popular book store chain which has a membership card. This particular customer, hands me her card, but I see that it is expired.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like your card is expired. Would you like to renew it?”

Customer: “It can’t be expired. I signed up for automatic renewal.”

Me: “That’s odd. Let me call member services and see what’s going on.”

(I call member services and they confirm that the customer was signed up for automatic renewal, but that her credit card was expired, so the renewal didn’t go through. I explain this to the customer.)

Customer: “That’s impossible. Credit cards don’t expire.”

Me: “Well, I can show you the expiration date on your card. It’s right here.”

Customer: “Right, but the bank sent me a new card. It has the same number and everything.”

Me: “But member services didn’t have your new card’s expiration date, so they weren’t able to charge you.”


(We go back and forth like this, with the customer shouting at both me and a manager, until another customer offers to let the first customer borrow her membership card.)

Me: *to the manager, after both customers leave* “That was nice, but now the same thing is going to happen the next time she comes in.”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 57
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 56
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 55


Not Very Closed Minded, Part 22

| PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Time

(The store closes at 10:00 pm, and it’s 9:59. I am straightening while my coworker rings up customers. Two women are the last customers in line.)

Customer #1: “Oh, look, clearance items!”

Customer #2: “I love a good sale!”

(They walk away and start browsing through the clearance bins. The “We are closed” announcement is made. Five minutes later…)

Customer #1: “I’ll take these books, and this item from clearance. Make sure to ring it up as 75% off!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, clearance items are currently 50% off.”

Customer #2: “Really? That’s not much of a deal. Maybe you shouldn’t get it.”

Customer #1: “Hmm. I don’t know… How much will it be with my discount card?

(My coworker totals up her savings, then the total cost without her card, then the cost if the customer “waited till the clearance was better.” It is now ten after, and the manager has come out to see why the register’s still on.)

Customer #1: “Okay, I guess I’ll take it.”

(They are rung up, and walking towards the door. Her hand is on the knob.)

Customer #1: “You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think I want this after all. Can I return it?”

Manager: “Let me get that done quickly for you, seeing as how we are CLOSED.”

Customer #2: “Oh, you guys have chocolate!”

(The manager rings the return lightning-fast, while Customer #2 looks at the chocolate.)

Manager: “There, you’re set. Have a lovely ni—”

Customer #1: “Is your cafe still open?”

Manager: “No, as we have been closed for twenty minutes.”

Customer #1: “Dang, I wanted some coffee. Well, I have to go to the bathroom. Just a minute.”

(She meanders towards the restrooms, pausing every few steps to look at a display. Customer #2 stays at the registers, studying the chocolate. Manager and Cashier quickly close out the register.)

Customer #2: “How much would these candy bars be, if I wanted one?”

Manager: “Ma’am, the prices are on the display sign. And we couldn’t sell you one anyway, because we are CLOSED.”

Customer #2: *huffs as [Customer #1] returns from the restroom* “Come on, they don’t want our money! He won’t even sell me a d*** candy bar!”

(They finally left, a half-hour after we closed, having spent a grand total (post-return) of $3.75.)


Not Very Closed Minded, Part 21

Not Very Closed Minded, Part 20

Not Very Closed Minded, Part 19

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