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Edith You Are, Or You Aren’t

| PA, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Trigger Story

(I work in a second-hand bookstore where we purchase items from customers. I’m currently working at the buy counter where I have two separate customers, both females. An older lady brought her items in a bag (“Edith”) while the second middle-aged lady (“Anne”) brought hers in a box. They shop the store while I look through their items and I page them over the PA system once their offer is ready.)

Me: “Edith, your offer is ready at the buy counter. Edith.”

Customer: *approaches* “Hello.”

Me: *recognizes her as one of the two ladies, but I am terrible at remembering faces* “Hi! Miss Edith?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “All right, your offer is [amount] today.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “Okay, so I’ll just have you sign this piece of paper once it prints, Miss Edith—”

Customer: “Can I have my box back?”

Me: *a little alarmed, as I’m currently working on the box* “Oh, wait, so these books are yours?” *points to the books from the box*

Customer: Yes.

Me: “Ah, sorry, Miss Edith! It seems that I had mixed you two up! Give me a moment to look you up in the system so I can re-enter your correct offer.” *does so* “Good thing you’re the only ‘Edith,’ otherwise this would be a long search!” *quickly finishes the buy* “Okay, your correct offer is [different amount].”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: *hands her the slip of paper to sign* “Okay, please sign here—”

Customer: *looks at slip* “This isn’t my name.”

Me: “…Oh. Well, I had paged for ‘Edith’ before and asked you if you were ‘Edith.'”

Customer: “It sounded like ‘Ann.'”

Me: *thinking* “IN WHAT UNIVERSE?!”

 

Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!

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The Hunger Blames

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Religion

(I am working at the register in a bookstore when I see an older woman come in. She walks over to my coworker, who is shelving some copies of The Hunger Games when the lady asks him to help her reach a book.)

Customer: “Could you please help me reach a copy of the bible?”

Coworker: “Of course. If you’d give me a minute I’ll be right there.”

Customer: “Hold on. Do you have any other associates who could help me?”

Coworker: “Only [My Name] and I’m afraid she can’t currently help you as she is working at the register. I will be with you shortly.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want you touching my book! It’s for my grandson. But I don’t want it to be purchased from the same store that sells books like this! The Hunger Games is a very violent book and it should not be sold here. I want someone else to help me.”

Coworker: “Can I please point out that [My Name] works here, too? And I am sorry that you disapprove of this book, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.”

Customer: “You are the one who is touching those books! I don’t want your blasphemous hands to touch it.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but if you don’t calm down I’m going to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “You know what? FINE! All I WANTED WAS A D*** BIBLE! But I guess I’m not getting one. I won’t be returning to your horrible bookstore. I’m going to speak to your supervisor. He’ll be appalled that you sell these books.”

(She slams a row of books to the floor then storms out.)

Coworker: “My ‘blasphemous hands’?”

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Borrowed An Already-Used Idea

| CA, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid, Popular

(We always have a large art book on display near our information desk for customers to look through, and copies of it are underneath for purchase. A customer wanders in and starts to look through it.)

Me: “How are you doing today? Anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “You know, you should really think about renting books.”

Me: *smiles* “I think what you’re looking for is a library.”

Customer: “No, think about it. For example, I love this book…” *points to the art book* “…and I would want to take it home with me for a few months, but I don’t want to own it forever.”

Me: *still smiling* “That still sounds like a library to me.”

Customer: “Well, the library is certainly not going to have this book.”

(I refrain from saying they might be able to get it in from another library knowing this customer probably won’t believe me.)

Customer: “I’m just saying it would be an interesting business model. Maybe it would stop bookstores from dying out.”

Me: *slightly strained but trying not to show it* “Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I just think you should try looking at new models of business.” *walks out the door*

Me: *sighs* “You’re still thinking of a library.”

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