Customer: “Hey. You were talking about vampire books with the last customer?”

Me: “They’re here on the wall next to the counter.”

Customer: “Do you have any gay ones?”

Me: “Do you mean as in homoerotic literature?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, no. Have you tried [Romance Bookshop] across the road?”

Customer: “Why would I go there? I just want gay vampires.”

Me: “Well, that’s generally a subsection of romance, not sci-fi.”

Customer: “I don’t want romance! I just want gay vampires!”

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Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “I was in the airport and saw this book it was blue and said something about a ranger. It looked really good, so I was trying to find it here.”

Me: “Sounds like The Rangers Apprentice series. It’s a kids’ book.”

Customer: “No, it couldn’t be a kids’ book. It looked really interesting.”

(Several minutes ensue of trying to find anything else that it could be. I ask him to wait a moment while I check the kids’ section and get the newest Rangers Apprentice book and return.)

Me: “Is this it?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “That’s the book I was telling you about. It’s technically a kids’ series, but it’s still a good book — just without the sex and violence.”

Customer: “None at all? But that’s why I read them!”

This story is part of our “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup. This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Stories Of Truly Terrible Parent Customers

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Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Who’s that chick who wrote Twilight?”

Me: “That would be Stephenie Meyer.”

Customer: “And what’s the fourth one?”

Me: “Breaking Dawn.”

Customer: “And that’s still whoever Meyer?”

Me: “She wrote the whole series, ma’am.”

(The customer heads to the DVD rack. I see her looking roughly in the ‘B’ section.)

Customer: *yelling* “I don’t see it!”

Me: “Ma’am, Breaking Dawn is a book. The movie hasn’t been released yet.”

Customer: “Those were books?”

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Customer: “I’m looking for a book about a football player.”

Me: “Do you know the title or author?”

Customer: “It’s about a kid who plays football.”

Me: “Is it fiction or nonfiction?”

Customer: “Which is the real one?”

Me: “You mean which is a true story?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Nonfiction books are true stories. Is it a biography or autobiography?”

Customer: *exasperated* “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Biographies are written by someone else about a person; autobiographies are written by the person themselves.”

Customer: “I doubt he wrote it; he’s a football player. Do you know how many hits those guys take to the head?!”

Caller: “I saw on my online account that this book I have out is lost.”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “But it’s not lost; it’s right next to me. I can see it!”

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