Supervisor: “Well, it says here that you have five books that are overdue. Would you like to renew them?”

Patron: “What do you mean, overdue?”

(The supervisor shows the patron the overdue titles on the monitor.)

Patron: “We returned those books! I can’t believe this kind of stuff happens! What kind of library is this anyway?”

Patron’s Young Child: “But, Papa, I saw one of the books at home, remember? In the–”

Patron: “Shut UP!”

(Ironically, one of the books he claimed to have returned was, “Teaching Your Child Good Manners.”)

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Customer: “Excuse me, I’m wondering if you can help me?”

Me: “Sure, how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Right, what book is that?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a dictionary.”

(I take the customer to the dictionary section, but she shakes her head.)

Customer: “No, it’s not a dictionary; it’s just a book.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid I need to know a bit more than that to find it for you.”

Customer: “Well, it’s not a book; it’s a box.”

Me: “A box?”

Customer: “Not really. It’s kind of a box and you put things in it. Like a box.”

Me: “So it’s not a book?”

Customer: “Yes, it is also a book.”

(Turned out she was looking for a safe.)

Me: “[Library], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have some books that are due tomorrow, but I need to keep them longer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ll need your name so I can renew the books.”

Caller: *scandalized* “You need my what?”

Me: “Your name, ma’am. So I can call up your account on my computer.”

Caller: “You have my account?! How did you get that? Do you have my Social Security number?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I mean your library account. When you came in to get your library card, you filled out a form with your name, address, phone number, and email, so that we can contact you if you ever have overdue books. We don’t have your social security number.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not giving out my name to a complete stranger over the phone!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Perhaps you could give me the titles of the books?”

Caller: “Why do you need to know what I’m reading?! The books are due tomorrow! Just renew them!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s no way I can look up books by the due date. Without your name or the titles of the books, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “You’re trying to steal my identity! I’m calling the cops.”

Me: *giving up* “You do that, ma’am.” *hangs up*

Coworker: “You should have told her we put cameras in the books.”

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Customer: “How much are your large-print Bibles?”

Me: “Various prices; what version are you looking for?”

Customer: “A Holy Bible.”

(When special order books come in, we call the customers, but we don’t normally say the book’s title over the phone. A man came in one day to pick up his special order — some book about 9/11.)

Customer: “I have a complaint about my order.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “When the woman called me, she said the title of my book in the message.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is that a problem?”

Customer: “Well, you see, the government’s tapping my phone. I don’t want them to know that I know what they’re up to.”

Me: “Um… okay, sir. I’m sorry about that. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

Me: “Would you like a bag, sir?”

Customer: *starts laughing* “No, thanks. I’m not that paranoid!”