Customer: “Which books would you recommend for a pre-teen girl?”

Me: “Well, that depends; does she like fantasy, horror, science fiction?”

Customer: “Whichever you recommend.”

Me: “I’m partial to fantasy myself.”

(I show her several series that I had read myself and enjoyed.)

Customer: “So, you think she would like these?”

Me: “Well, I loved them a lot.”

Customer: “But do you think SHE will?”

Me: “I honestly couldn’t say, ma’am. You know your niece better than I do; I’ve never met her.”

Customer: *staring blankly at the books* “But do you think she will like them?”

Me: “If she doesn’t, you can give her a gift receipt and she can return the books.”

Customer: “I didn’t ask you about a gift receipt. I asked you if my niece would like the books you recommended.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am incapable of making up your own mind about books for someone I’ve never met.”

Customer: “I see. So, when they hire people for minimum wage, they really get what they pay for.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Corporate doesn’t provide mind manipulation skills as part of the hiring package, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, they should!”

(She complains to a manager and walks out without ever making up her mind about a book for her niece.)

Manager: “Did she seriously ask you to manipulate her thoughts about a book decision?”

Me: “I can’t make up my OWN mind sometimes, much less someone else’s.”

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Customer: “I’m looking for a book on Ronald Reagan.”

Me: “Okay, well, that would be right here in the American history section.”

Customer: “It’s a particular book, one with transcripts of all his speeches. I’ve seen it here before.”

(I spend at least fifteen minutes exhaustively searching the shelves to find the book, with no luck.)

Me: “It seems we don’t have it. If you’d like, I can write it down and call you if we get another copy in.”

Customer: “That’s impossible. You always had it right here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, someone must have bought it.”

Customer: *exasperated* “I know. I’m the one who bought it.”

Customer: “I’m looking for the autobiography of Jesus.”

Me: “Um, do you mean a biography of Jesus?”

Customer: “No! I want the AUTO-biography of Jesus! Where would it be?”

Me: “Well, I guess you could try the Bible section…”

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Customer: “Do you have any Feng Shui books?”

Me: “Yes, let me show you where they are.”

(I take the woman to the Feng Shui section.)

Customer: “Wow, she wrote a lot of books!”

Me: “Who did?”

Customer: “Miss Feng Shui.”

Me: “Yes… Yes, she did.”

Me: “Ma’am, may I help you find a particular title?”

Customer: “I don’t know exactly what I want. I just want a good book to read.”

Me: “Is there a topic that you are especially interested in?”

Customer: “I like historical stuff.”

Me: “Great! What kind of history specifically?”

Customer: *stares blankly*

Me: “For instance, a particular time period, or the history of a certain country?”

Customer: “American history, obviously.”

Me: “We have some really great American history books, right over here.”

(I lead her to the proper section and pull a few titles to show her.)

Customer: “These are all about stuff that really happened. I want a story.”

Me: “Okay, so, historical fiction then? I’m sure we can find something for you.”

Customer: “No! I want something like this…”

(She gestures to a book she rejected, a non-fiction title about American history.)

Customer: “…only I want it to be made up.”

Me: “Right, historical fiction. Let’s start with a time frame within American history and I’m sure we can find something.”

Customer: *sighs melodramatically* “I don’t want FICTION, I want a book with a story that is MADE UP!”