Customer: “Hey, how good is this book?” *holds a fantasy book*

Me: “I don’t know; I haven’t read it. But you might want to start with the first one in the series, if we have it right now…”

Customer: “You haven’t read it? You’ve gotta be kidding me! Really, they hire anyone these days. I guess I’ll try it, then. You said it’s not the first one?”

Me: “No, and it seems that we don’t have the first book in this series. If you want, you can leave your name and number and we will call you if someone sells it.”

Customer: “No, no, that will be fine. I’ll just come back. When will you get it?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. We’re a used books store. We only get books when people sell them to us.”

Customer: “I know that! I’m not stupid! When will someone sell you this book?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir.”

Customer: *rolls his eyes* “I can’t believe they hired you. I bet it’s only because you’re pretty!”

Me: “Er… thanks, I guess?”

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Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, ma’am, this is [Bookstore]. I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.”

Customer: “What? You’re who?”

Me: “This is [Bookstore]. You ordered a book from us and it’s here.”

Customer: “I ordered a book?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I don’t remember ordering anything.”

Me: “The order sticker says you ordered it last week. The title is Improving Your Memory.”

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(This takes place in our college library.)

Me: “Could I help you find something?”

Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything particular you’re looking for?”

Patron: “Yeah — Tuesdays With Morrie. Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

(A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have Tuesdays with Morrie?”

Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”

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(This happened quite a few years ago, but it’s still one of my fondest bookstore memories.)

Customer: “Do you happen to sell that Harry Potter book?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we do. Would you like me to show you where they are?”

Customer: “If it’s no trouble…”

Me: “No trouble at all. ”

(I lead him over to the children’s section and hand him the first book in the series.)

Me: “Here you are. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “No, I think that’s all I need.”

(The customer shovels a dozen copies of the same book into his arms.)

Customer: “The church is having a book burning tonight and I just need to make sure I bring enough.”

Me: *laughs*

Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not joking.”

Me: “Oh. Well, you do realize that there are now four books in the series?”

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(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “…like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”