A customer approaches our counter in the bookstore with a blank look on his face.

Customer: “So… all these books are about stuff?”

I blink. I process.

Me: “Uh… we have a lot of books about lots of different things! Were you looking for anything specific?”

Customer: “Yeah… I need a book that’s about stuff, like, you know… things.”

I blink again. This customer doesn’t appear to be high.

Me: “What things would that be, sir?”

Customer: “Like when things… happen? And then… yeah.”

This line of questioning continues for another few minutes, and my manager can tell that other customers are being neglected as a result. She comes over.

Customer: “So… like, I need a book where the things happen, and then people, like, do stuff because of it.”

My manager escorts the customer away from the desk (yay!) to the middle of the store, under a sign splitting the store into fiction and non-fiction (ignoring the sub-categories).

Manager: “This side of the store: stuff that didn’t really happen. This side of the store: stuff that really did happen. Go nuts!”

Strangely, the customer ended up buying five cookbooks.

I was a librarian in the pre-Google days.

Customer: “Do you have books on serial killers?”

Me: “We might? What’s the context?”

Customer: “I’m just writing some silly little article, and I need to know who the worst serial killer in the world was.”

Me: *Chuckles* “Hmm, when you say ‘worst serial killer in the world’, I don’t know if that means they were really good at it or really bad at it.”

Customer: *Also chuckles* “That’s a good point!”

Dad: “So, what’s Les Misérables about?”

Mom: “A guy steals a loaf of bread and dies.”

Me: “I mean, you’re not wrong.”

Customer: “I’m looking for a book; it’s blue.”

I look around to see if I am being pranked but see no evidence of this.

Me: “Uh… okay. Do you have a title, author, fiction or non-fiction?”

Customer: “It’s [Title], by [Author], and it’s a romantic fantasy about a time traveler set during the Renaissance period.”

Me: “That… is everything I needed! Are you having trouble finding the book?”

Customer: “Of course not. I found it straight away.”

Me: “Then what can I do to help, ma’am?”

Customer: “Are you not listening? I want it to be blue! The only cover you have is purple!”

Me: “I’m afraid that the book only comes in one color, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, I want it in blue! It won’t go with my bookshelf if it’s purple.”

Me: “I can’t make it blue for you, ma’am.”

Customer: *Storming out* “Ugh… [Bookstore Chain] will have it in blue!”

I work in a library. A father comes in with his pre-teen son, asking about our history section. The son is browsing books and the father comes up to me.

Father: “My son has a project due about great American battles. He’s not allowed to use the Internet; he has to use books and libraries.”

Me: “Well, we appreciate that! What battle did he need to research?”

Father: “One from the war.”

Me: “Which war?”

Father: “The War.”

Me: “Some people refer to World War Two when they say ‘The War’. Is that what you meant?”

Father: “There was more than one?”

Me: “Uh… yes.” *Swiftly moving on* “Did you know what battle you wanted to cover, or shall I make some recommendations?”

Father: “Oh, give us a good one.”

Me: “Well… I’m not sure I would classify any battle as ‘good,’ but I can recommend some where the United States were the victors.”

Father: *Scoffs* “Yeah, like all of them.”

Me: “Not entirely true, sir. The United States suffered quite a few military losses in World War Two.”

Father: “Not true!”

Me: “I’m afraid so. There was the battle of the Kasserine Pass, numerous battles in the Pacific region with the Japanese, not to mention Pearl Harbor—”

Father: “But… America won in Pearl Harbor!”

Me: “I can absolutely assure you, sir, that the United States lost spectacularly in that battle.”

Father: “Bulls***! America has never lost a battle in history! We’re undefeated!”

Before I can respond, the father’s son comes up with a book he has chosen by himself.

Son: “Come on, Dad. I want this one.”

He has selected a book on the Vietnam War — so I guess the assignment wasn’t specific to World War Two.

Father: “Good! Another war that we won!”

They borrow the book and head out, and I then relay the encounter to a coworker.

Me: “I want to be there when he finds out about Vietnam.”

Coworker: “Don’t bother. When they’ve been exposed to that much ‘copium’ in their life, I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought Vietnam surrendered after one day and it’s now a State.”

Me: “That’s an awfully specific turn of events.”

Coworker: “Sadly talking from experience over here.”