This Crime Has Gone Down The Toilet

, , , , , , , | Legal | September 9, 2018

(I am a shift manager for a fast food chain. We are one block off the square in a major college town with about a dozen bars, pubs, and clubs within walking distance, so on the weekends, our lobby is open until midnight. I’m in the back, when one of the girls running the lobby register runs back and says she needs me NOW. I hurry up to the counter in time to see a middle-aged guy with some sort of panel trying to get out of the lobby through the front door. As I approach the guy I realize he has somehow taken the urinal divider wall from the mens’ restroom.)

Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Man: *very drunk, yet extremely polite* “I’m having a hard time getting this to fit out the door; can you help me, please?”

(I’m dumbfounded.)

Me: “Why don’t you sit down for a minute and I’ll get someone to help you.”

(I sit him down and gave him a free cup of water, and just call the police.)

Police Dispatcher: “[Town] sheriff’s office…”

Me: *introduces self and provides location* “Yeah, I need some police officers here to help with a drunk customer.”

Police Dispatcher: “Is he being irate or violent?”

Me: “No, but he’s trying to steal the urinal wall from the restroom; he already has it in the lobby but can’t manage the front door”

Police Dispatcher: *long pause* “Could you repeat that?” *trying very hard not to laugh*

Me: *chuckling* “Yeah. He’s trying to take off with it. He’s being very polite and, other than the obvious, he is not being disruptive”

Police Dispatcher: *losing it by now* “Okay, hun, we will send someone out. Did he say why he wanted it?”

Me: “No, and I didn’t want to ask, but you’re right. Why would anyone want it?”

Dispatcher: “I don’t know, but a patrol will be there in a few minutes.”

(The police showed up and, after a few minutes of talking to him, took him out to the car without causing a scene, and I’m assuming they took him to the drunk tank. I wound up having to call our maintenance guy the next day to rehang the wall. We’re still not sure how he got it off the wall, or what he wanted it for.)

Totally Wired

, , , , , , | | Working | May 22, 2018

(We have had repeated outages with our Internet that the ISP has never managed to diagnose. They seem to correspond to rainstorms, and tech support constantly says they cannot find any problem and blames it on our house wiring. After yet another outage, I walk outside and unscrew the cable connection from the outside box. I plug it directly into my cable modem and verify that I cannot connect to the Internet. This definitively proves that it cannot be the wiring in my house, so I call up the ISP and have the following exchange.)

Technician #1: “Hello, what can I do to help you today?”

Me: “I have recurring Internet outages, about which I have called repeatedly. They have occurred once again. Before you walk me through your normal steps, yes, I’ve restarted the modem, repeatedly. Also, I am plugged directly into your service drop, so this is not a problem with my house wiring.”

(The tech ignores what I just said and starts following his script:)

Technician #1: “So, you are experiencing a lack of Internet connectivity. Have you restarted the modem?”

Me: “Yes. As I told you, I’ve restarted the modem and am plugged directly into your service drop.”

Technician #1: “Okay, sir. Let me see if I can ping your modem.” *pauses* “I am unable to ping your modem. This most likely indicates a problem with the wiring in your house, as we have no reports of service outages in your area.”

Me: “It is not the wiring in my house. As I told you, I am plugged directly into your service drop. I am bypassing the wiring in my house entirely. It cannot possibly be the wiring in my house.”

Technician #1: “Sir, I understand what you are saying.” *obviously he does not* “But I assure you, it is most likely the wiring in your house. If we have to send out a technician and he finds that it is the wiring in your house, you will be subject to a $150 service fee.”

Me: “I understand that. It is definitely not the wiring in my house, because I am connected to your service drop.”

Technician #1: “Before I send out a technician, I need you to check the connections in your house to be sure that you do not have a wiring problem.”

(At this point, I give up. The technician clearly has his script, and has no capacity or desire to think beyond it. I politely end the call and then call back. This time, I hit the jackpot and get a tech who immediately understands what I tell him:)

Technician #2: “Well, that pretty much proves your house wiring is not at fault. Have you tried logging into the modem…” *gives me instructions* “…to see if it is getting any signal?”

(I do what he says and confirm that it is not.)

Technician #2: “Okay. I’ll set up a service call for you for tomorrow.”

(This tech then told me that he was glad someone called up who actually knew what to check. He chatted with me for a few minutes about how little the general public understands and how he was glad I knew about things like service drops and general troubleshooting. The next day a service technician came out, and my Internet was working, but I explained about the outages and the correlation to rain. He spent a few hours in the neighborhood and finally came back to tell me he had found the problem. Squirrels had chewed their way into an equipment box on a pole and, when it rained, water would get in and short out connections. Had I not done my own testing at the service drop, they wouldn’t have found the problem, because they would have tested my connection when it was working fine and assumed it was my problem.)

Will Say It Vegan And Again, Part 2

, , , , , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(The dorm complex where I live has its own cafeteria, with a pretty decent selection of foods. While standing in line at one of my favorite spots, the girl in front of me has a rather interesting request…)

Girl: “I’d like a vegan cheese sandwich, please.”

Lunch Lady: “Er… I’m not exactly sure what you mean. Do you just want bread?”

(They only have regular cheese, and they butter both sides of the bread before grilling, so it’s no wonder the poor woman is confused.)

Girl: *insistent* “No, I want a vegan cheese sandwich!”

Lunch Lady: “Well, I don’t think we have—”

Girl: *slamming her hands down on the counter* “NO! I WANT A VEGAN CHEESE SANDWICH, YOU STUPID B****!”

(She finally leaves when a couple of the other students and I tell her to stop being stupid. She keeps screaming about her vegan cheese sandwich all the way to the door before slamming it shut behind her.)

Me: *steps up to the counter* “I’d like a non-vegan cheese sandwich, please.”

Related:
Will Say It Vegan And Again

And That’s How The Not-Free Cookie Crumbles

, , , , , | Right | December 8, 2017

(A customer I’ve never seen before comes in and gets a sandwich, pays for it, and goes to wait for it to be made. He then asks one of my coworkers:)

Customer: “Could I have a cookie as well?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

(The customer helps himself to a cookie from the jar. He gets his sandwich and sits down to eat it. Then my coworker asks me:)

Coworker: “Did he pay you for a cookie?”

(Of course he didn’t pay for it, since he didn’t ask to get a cookie until after he paid, so I go over to him.)

Me: “Excuse me, but you have to pay for that cookie.”

Customer: “She gave it to me.”

Me: “Um, no, she didn’t just give it to you for free.”

Customer: “She said I could have it.”

Me: “Yeah… to pay for.”

Customer: “Well, how much is the cookie, then?” *getting out his wallet*

Me: Fifty cents.”

Customer: *as he’s pulling out a dollar bill* “Absolutely pathetic; making me pay for a stupid cookie.”

Me: “Yeah, it is pretty pathetic that you can’t afford a fifty-cent cookie.”

(He paid me the fifty cents and didn’t say a word after that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone eat and leave that fast before.)

Now It’s A Party!

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2017

(I work in a fine-dining establishment as a chef. Working in a college town, I get a lot of self-entitlement from customers. A drunk college girl bursts into the kitchen.)

Drunk College Girl: *yelling* “It’s Stephanie’s 21st birthday, and our waitress won’t sing to her!”

Me: “We don’t do that here.”

Drunk College Girl: “Well, why the f*** not!?”

Me: “Because it p***es off all the other people in the restaurant, and none of our staff have the time or the interest to honor Stephanie and her stupid birthday.”

(Guys at the next table slow clap.)