(There is a regular customer who always goes through my line if I’m working, and always finds some reason to scream at me. Our registers are odd in that they are longer than most, so you have to give items a good shove to get them down to the bagging area.)

Me: “Hello. How are you tonight?”

Regular: “I’d be better without your nasty attitude.”

(I force a smile and nod. I don’t have a bagger, so I do what I normally do when I don’t have one: bag groceries and keep them close to me so I can hand them to the customer, rather than shove them down with no one to catch them in case they topple over and something breaks, gets crushed, etc.)

Me: “Your total tonight is [amount].”

Regular: “That f****** attitude again. God!”

(She pays and I hand her her receipt. I turn to pick up her groceries, but when I turn back she’s gone and there’s another customer waiting. I look and she’s standing by the bagging area, hands on her hips.)

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry about that! Here.”

(I give her bags a little push to get them closer to her; she’s probably 4’10”, so getting the bags in the first place isn’t easy.)

Regular: “You got some f****** nerve rushing me, you stupid c***!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Regular: “Yeah, you f****** will be!”

(She storms off, leaving her bags behind. I shrug and deal with the next customer, who is considerably nicer than the regular. As I’m serving more customers, I catch a shout of, “that little b**** c*** on register three,” so I turn and see the regular shouting at the manager on duty. I raise my eyebrows because she’s never gone as far as to report me, and she notices.)

Regular: “And now she’s giving me filthy f***** looks, that little s***!”

(My current customer raises his own eyebrows and looks from the regular to me.)

Other Customer: “Wow. What did you do?”

Me: “I don’t know. Gave her her groceries? Looked at her?”

Other Customer: *shakes his head* “What some people will do for kicks. Hang in there, kiddo.”

Me: “Thanks.”

(He’s my last customer, so once he’s gone the Manager On Duty comes over. I see the regular storming out, without her groceries, screaming to anyone who will listen about me.)

Me: “So, [Manager On Duty], am I in trouble?”

Manager On Duty: *laughs* “First, tell me your side.”

Me: “She was waiting in the bagging area and she’s short, so I gave her groceries a little push to get them to her. Then when I heard her screaming about me I looked over at you two.”

Manager On Duty: *laughs again* “Yeah, I kind of figured it was something like that. I couldn’t tell her to go s*** in a hat, which is what I wanted to do, so I told her I’d report you to [Owner].”

Me: “Are you going to?”

Manager On Duty: “Of course not! You’re one of the most courteous cashiers here. Hopefully she falls in a ditch on her way home and rots there, because she screamed, ‘stop rushing me,’ at people trying to help her out.”

(This occurs shortly after David Bowie’s death. I am in line behind another customer.)

Customer: “Just this, thanks.”

Worker: *blank stare*

Customer: “Hello?”

Worker: *startled* “Oh, sorry. I zoned out there. I was thinking of David Bowie.”

Customer: “I know. So sad.”

Worker: “Very.”

Customer: “That is why I’m getting this.” *hands over a copy of the movie “Labyrinth”* “I haven’t seen it in so long. Thought I’d treat myself.”

Worker: “Oh, yeah. I love this.”

Customer: *starts singing* “You remind me of the babe.”

Worker: *serious* “What babe?”

Customer: “Babe with the power.”

Worker: *blank stare*

Me: *shrugs* “What power?”

Customer: *turning to me* “Power of voodoo.”

Me: “Who do?”

Customer: “You do.”

Me: “Do what?”

Customer: “Remind me of the babe!”

(We both laugh while the worker stares at us, confused.)

Worker: “What on earth was that?”

Customer: “Magic Dance. You know, Bowie, Labyrinth.”

Worker: “I’ve never seen it.”

(The customer and I looked at each other, confused.)

(I am at the gate, ready to board the plane. I hand my ticket to the flight attendant.)

Flight Attendant: “You are already on the plane.”

Me: *standing in front of her outside the plane, at the gate* “Umm, no?”

Flight Attendant: “Someone with your name is already in your seat.”

Me: “Obviously, she is not me.”

(There were two women with the same first name, last name, and middle initial on the flight. Apparently, their computers couldn’t handle that. We even had the same seats on our tickets, but with different confirmation codes. They ended up putting me in an empty seat.)

(Christmas is coming, so we are shipping a lot of items. A customer has placed an order over the phone and I ship him his packages. Two days later, he calls asking where his order is. I check the tracking, which shows the package as delivered and says that it was left on his porch that morning. The customer says this is not the case, nor is this the first time his packages have gone missing with this shipping company. I file for a refund and insurance with the shipping company and send a replacement. The next day, I get an unexpected call.)

Cop: “Hi, this is [Officer]. I was hoping you could clear some things up. We have been finding a number of packages left at a vacant house located at [Address] Road. We are investigating this activity, but I found a package recently shipped by your company to a [Customer]. I was wondering if this was a legitimate purchase?”

Me: “Yes, I shipped a package to [Customer], but the address was [Address] Street, not Road.”

Cop: “Well, you have the address correct on the package. Can you contact the customer and verify the address is [Address] Street? I can take it around to him and see if he can clear some things up.”

(I do, and the customer later calls me to say the police officer brought his package to him and asked him to open it to verify the contents. He then left a statement about other packages that had gone missing recently. A day later I get another call.)

Cop: “Hi, this is [Officer] again. We found another box from your company sent to [Customer] but delivered to the abandoned house.”

Me: “That must be the replacement package I shipped to [Customer] before you called me.”

Cop: “Do you need this to get to [Customer] or does it need to be sent back to you?”

Me: “Well, it’s a low value order, it’s been taken out of inventory, and [Customer] already has his package, so it doesn’t matter too much.”

Cop: “Would you mind if we left it here? We want to see if someone comes to pick up the package.”

Me: “No problem.”

(The next day he calls back.)

Cop: “I’d like to thank you for your cooperation, and I was wondering if we could get a statement from you? The shipping company had a seasonal driver who was leaving packages at similarly named street addresses that were empty houses. His brother would go around and pick them up that night.”

Me: “Wow! No problem. What do you think the chances of the shipping company refunding me the $25 are?”

Cop: “Considering I talked to the driver’s boss, and he claimed he knew this was an issue for months, it was an honest mistake, and that the driver was just reading the labels incorrectly in the same manner?”

Me: “Not worth the red tape. Gotcha.”

(I sent copies of what the police sent me to corporate, who decided to start using a different shipping company.)

(I am working the floor at a large pet store. A young man, about 16 years old, comes in and says that he is thinking of buying some lizards and wants to know what he will need. I explain to him that these lizards will need an aquarium, a lid, a heat source, places to hide, a special lamp — especially as there is little sunlight in winter in Alaska — and a few other items. I also talk to him about what kinds of lizards would be good for him, and which ones will be relatively inexpensive. At no point do I try to sell him anything, since I figure he is just getting a feel for what he’ll need. While I am talking to him his mother comes in:)

Mother: “What are you doing?”

Son: “I’m thinking of buying some lizards, and I want to know what I need.”

Mother: “What did this guy tell you?”

Son: “Well, I need an aquarium, a lid, a heater, a special light, and some other things.”

Mother: “Why are you trying to sell my son this stuff that he doesn’t need?”

Me: “He asked me what he needs to keep lizards.”

Mother: “Don’t lie to me. You people are always trying to sell other people things they don’t need. You do not need a heater or a light. There is no way we are buying things from a liar like you.”

(The son looks absolutely mortified at this point.)

Son: “Mom! I asked him about this. He was just answering my question.”

Mother: “We are leaving, and if you can’t recognize liars who want to steal your money for things you don’t need, then you can’t go into any more stores.”

(The mother then physically dragged her son away while loudly complaining about liars, and her son just looked back at me with a horribly embarrassed expression on his face.)