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Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown

, , , , | Right | May 22, 2008

(I’m confronted by a customer with an extremely high-pitched voice and impenetrable Highland accent. This is one of those tiny old Scottish women with a headscarf nailed on and muscles like steel wires. They are a common sight in the East of Scotland, and are almost immortal. Only the slow action of the wind off the north sea will gradually erode them.)

Me: “That will be £[amount], please.”

Old Lady: “Areyenamerican?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Old Lady: “Ah sid, are ye Namerican?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I missed that.”

Old Lady: “Are… ye… an… American?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I misheard you. No, I’m English.”

Old Lady: “Oh… why?”

(I have spent much of the last three years trying to come up with a satisfactory answer. As yet I have made no progress.)


This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup!

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Just Wait ‘Till He Meets The Dwarves In The Urinals

, , , | Right | May 22, 2008

Man: “Hey! I put my card in the ATM machine over there and put in my numbers, but it won’t give me any money. Does that even make any sense?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, the ATM is owned by that bank. You’ll have to call them.”

Man: “Oh, you would say that!”

Me: “If you’d like, sir, I can try to give you cashback here at my register, but I cannot access your bank information.”

Man: “I mean, I go to my bank and I can get out money just fine, but here… it won’t even work. I mean, does that make any sense?”

Me: “Would you like me to call my manager for you, sir?”

Man: “Oh, you’d try to save your job, wouldn’t you!”

(And then it gets weird…)

Man: “Wait!” *points at ceiling* “There used to be windows there! You people boarded them up!”

Me: “WHAT?”

Man: “Yeah! YEAH! The guys on the computers! I bet you have them up there watching me and keeping me from getting my money!”

Me: *laughing* “Um, sir, there are no people living in our walls. Go to your bank, and have a nice day!”

Man: *grumbles and leaves, turning back to look at the ceiling every few steps*

(From that point on, my co-workers who witnessed this blame everything on the ‘people in the walls’.)

Thy Gluttony Knows No Bounds

, , | Right | May 19, 2008

Me: “Hi, did you need any help today?”

Customer: “Nope, I’m just looking.”

Me: “Alright, just tell me if you need anything.”

(The customer stops and looks at the rats.)

Customer: “DO PEOPLE EAT THOSE?”

Me: “N-no, no they don’t…”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Just wondering!”

Me: “…”

Back In My Day, Everyone Had Herpes

, , , | Right | May 17, 2008

Cashier: “Hello.”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Um, why?”

Old Lady #2: “What is that on your tongue?”

Old Lady #1: “Is that the herpes?”

Cashier: *sticks out tongue and points to a pink tongue piercing* “This?”

Old Lady #1: “Yes, what is that?”

Cashier: “A tongue piercing.”

Old Lady #1: *looks to Old Lady #2* “Oh! We thought it was the herpes!”

Cashier: “Uh, no. Just a pink plastic piercing.”

Old Lady #2: “Oh good! I didn’t think they let people with STDs come to work!”

File>Open>Yard, Highlight Grass, Ctrl-X

, , , , , | Right | May 14, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Come mow my lawn!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “I said, come mow my lawn!”

Me: “I’m sorry, this is tech support. Are you having trouble with your cable TV or Internet?”

Customer: “I know who this is! I want you to mow my lawn! In the rain! I pay y’all enough every month, so you better come mow it!” *click*

Me: “…”