I’m working at a gas station on an overnight shift, and an old lady comes in.

Customer: “Where are the movie screens?”

Me: “Movie screens?”

Customer: “This is a movie theater, ain’t it?”

Me: “No, it’s a gas station.”

She looks confused. She then proceeds to nonchalantly just… s*** her pants right there in front of us. As she does this, the night manager comes out from the back.

Manager: “The f***?! You again! Get the f*** out of there!”

She hurls some abuse but exits the store, leaving a brown trail behind her.

Me: “What was that?!”

Manager: *Fetching some cleaning supplies* “Well… heroin is one h*** of a drug…”

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 8
Welcome To Retail, Part 7
Welcome To Retail, Part 6
Welcome To Retail, Part 5
Welcome To Retail, Part 4

One day, I take my parents to a Greek restaurant in a small city in New Jersey close to the local train station. I’ve eaten there before with my girlfriend when we went to see a concert at the local high school.

My parents and I arrive, and we’re seated pretty quickly. We order our appetizers and entrees and begin talking about the restaurant. The waiter is overall rather polite, and he disappears into the back. 

We wait around forty-five minutes for our appetizers, and we don’t see our waiter at all during that interval.

We flag down a woman who appears to be a manager.

Mom: “Excuse me. We’re supposed to have calamari and salads.”

Manager: “That’s odd… Let me see what the problem is.”

The manager leaves and comes back a few minutes later with a weird look on her face.

Manager: “I… don’t know how to tell you this, but your waiter just left. We can’t find him anywhere.”

Me: “He what?!”

Manager: “We’ve even tried calling him. I don’t know if he quit in the middle of his shift or what, but if you’re okay waiting a bit longer, I can take over as your waiter?”

Me: “You might as well. We’ve been waiting for almost an hour anyway.”

Manager: “I’m deeply sorry for the inconvenience. If he returns at any point, I’ll make sure he’s disciplined accordingly.”

The manager left and came back a few minutes later with the calamari and salads. She proceeded to serve us while constantly apologizing for her employee’s behavior.

On the bright side, the food was fantastic and relatively cheap. We left a large tip for the manager, as well. It was an odd experience, but we didn’t have any other issues.

A lady comes in with a lab-mix dog to get groomed.

Me: “What would you like done?”

Customer: “I want my dog waxed.”

I stare at her for a few seconds.

Me: “We don’t wax dogs.”

Customer: “You will wax my dog’s hair! You’ve done it before!”

Again, confused, I look her up on the computer, and alas, all her dog received was a basic bath and brush package. I try explaining this to her, and she screams at the top of her lungs: 

Customer: “WELL, I’LL JUST GO TO MY LADY THAT WAXES MY VAGINA! SHE’LL WAX MY DOG FOR ME!”

About ten years ago, I was contacted by a tech recruiter about a tech writer position. The client had accidentally seen my resumé and insisted upon talking to me. I went to the interview, and the client painted a wonderful picture about the job. Problem was, the position was in Austin, Texas, and for about two-thirds of what I was already making. I told her that while I appreciated her taking the time, I had no interest in moving to Austin, and I thought that would be that.

The next week, I received three calls from the recruiter, telling me that the client really wanted me for the job. Then the client called, after bullying the recruiter for my home phone number:

Client: “If you can’t afford an apartment, you could always stay at my apartment!”

After I informed her that I was married, she suddenly realized how far over she’d gone, and explained that she had no ulterior motives. She just REALLY wanted me on her team.

Fast-forward about a year. I’d been laid off and I ran into a colleague of hers at a networking event. It turns out that I wasn’t the only person to whom she’d offered space on the couch, and her company had decided to shut down her entire department when they found out about it.

I’m several months pregnant in the middle of the summer. To deal with the heat, I tend to go around with as much exposed skin as I can manage and not get a public indecency charge, which means my pregnant belly is very obvious to passersby.

One day, I’m doing a grocery run with my husband when an unfamiliar man approaches me in the middle of the aisle.

Stranger: “Why the h*** are you pregnant?”

A random stranger accosting me over my unborn child in the middle of the grocery store is by far the most bizarre encounter I’ve ever had, and it leaves me speechless. Fortunately, my husband is swifter to respond.

Husband: “Did no one ever tell you how that works? Because I’m not in the mood to explain the mechanics to you.”

The stranger turned bright red and stormed off, while I spent a few minutes trying to stop laughing so I could walk straight. I still don’t know what that man’s problem was, but I’m glad my husband was able to drive him off so swiftly.