(I get home from work to see my mom’s microwave in the middle of the counter, inside a salt circle. Knowing my mom, I expect there is a logical explanation, but as she is at work and has only left me a note saying we are not to touch or move the microwave, I don’t know what that explanation is. My niece comes in and looks at the microwave, bemused. We are both “Supernatural” fans.)

Niece: “What is going on there?”

Me: *shows her the note* “I think your grandma captured a demon in the microwave.”

(It turns out that my mom read online that salt repels ants and she was trying to protect her microwave from them.)

(I am a manager at a store in a small town. I’m running a register because one of my cashiers is on break and we’ve suddenly hit a rush. My customers are a husband and wife.)

Me: “The total is [amount].”

Wife: *hands me the bills and turns to her husband* “Do you have the change? I left my purse in the car.”

Husband: “I don’t have any change.”

Wife: “I need the change. I don’t have anything on me but big bills.”

Husband: “I don’t have any change. I don’t have any pockets. I’m in my boxers.”

(The comment startled me and I found myself glancing at what I had previously thought were the man’s shorts. Sure enough, they were, in fact, only boxers. I offered to cover the change, just to get them out of there before any “incident” occurred.)

(I work in a store where everything is the same price, unless we have a label on it for deals, so I answer a LOT of stupid questions. I also have to answer a lot of odd questions, but even those get repeated. This one is new. I’m currently serving at the tills.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. Would you like a bag?”

Customer #1: “That tea over there says, ‘decafé.’ Does that mean it hasn’t got coffee in it?”

(Both [Customer #2] and I look confused.)

Me: “Ma’am, that says, ‘decaf.’ It means decaffeinated.”

Customer #1: “So, it hasn’t got coffee in it?”

Me: “Tea never has coffee in it. ‘Decaf’ means it hasn’t got caffeine in it.”

Customer #1: “What’s caffeine?”

(I don’t know the dictionary definition of caffeine; all I know is that it gives people a boost of energy and shouldn’t be consumed in large quantities when pregnant. So, I explain the best I can, but I can see she doesn’t understand. Still, my manager is always asking us to get customers to buy more.)

Customer #1: “So, it means it doesn’t have coffee in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Would you like a box?”

Customer #1: “Yes, I’ll just go get it.”

(Looking at the growing line, and as I’ve already seen how fast she walks — not very — I decide this is a bad idea.)

Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’ll get it.”

(I get the box and get [Customer #1] swiftly away before I turn to [Customer #2].)

Customer #2: “Well…”

Me: “Sorry about the wait. I’ve never had to explain what caffeine is before.”

Related:
Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer, Part 3
Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer, Part 2

(My family recently moved from the country to town, and we now live next to a church. While it shouldn’t be a problem, as the church is only ever used on Sunday, we seem to have this problem every week, and it’s always the same person.)

Regular: *knocks on door*

Mom: *opens door* “May I help you?”

Regular: “Hi! Can I use your bathroom? The one at the church is clogged.”

Mom: “You are over here every week, claiming it’s clogged.”

Regular: “Oh! It isn’t for me this time; it’s for that dad and his kids.” *points to a dad with two children who look under five*

Mom: “Fine. Only those three can come in.”

Regular: *starts to push way into house*

Mom: *pushes him back* “I never said you can come in.”

Regular: *gets huffy* “But why not? I have to use the bathroom, too!”

Mom: “Well, I guess all of you will have to hold it. My house is not your public restroom. Good day, sir.” *closes door*

Regular: “I hope your f****** house burns down!” *storms off*

(He was back next week, knocking on our door, trying to get into the bathroom. We have no clue why he wants to use our bathroom, but none of the other churchgoers have complained about a clogged toilet or come over to our house to use one. We even threatened to call the cops if he does it again, and he seemed to back off after that.)

(After working in a theater for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to parents dragging their kids along to movies that would be considered inappropriate, but unless it’s rated NC-17 or has no rating at all, the most we can do is warn them. Every now and then, I’m thrown for a loop.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if you could tell me why The Muppets has a PG rating.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I saw the movie myself, and the only reason I can think of is that there’s some mildly crude humor.”

Customer: “I have some of my friend’s kids with me. Are you sure it’s okay for them to watch?”

Me: *surprised* “Um… Yes?”