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Dude, That Must Be Some Strong Weed

, , | Right | December 15, 2007

(It is the early 1970s. I make a key for a guy who lost his car keys in the mall parking lot.)

Me: “Well, that will be $10.00 for the key and labor, but another key will be only 79 cents.”

Customer: “Ah, no, man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(A week later, same deal. I have to go out in the rain and make the same guy another key.)

Me: “Well, I’m sure that now you will get an extra key?”

Customer: “Ah, no, man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(I could spot a trend, so I made another key anyway and hung it up in the shop. Over the next six months he was back a dozen times. Each time I just copied the key hanging in the shop and charged him for the lock-work and the key. He never bought a second key. I guess the weed finally got him.)

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Next On Eyewitness News: The Jigsaw Puzzle Slave Trade

, , , | Right | December 4, 2007

(I work in an uppity part of town where are the e-shoppers come out of their yuppie caves to shop.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a question.”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: *points at a popular movie puzzle with a picture of a child playing with said puzzle* “Is the kid on the box part of this puzzle?”

Me: “Um…what?”

Customer: “Well, if the kid is part of the puzzle, I don’t want it. He has nothing to do with this movie.”

(At this point I turned around and walked to the back room where she couldn’t get me.)

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Lowest Common Denominator

, , | Right | December 2, 2007

Customer: “I’d like a Chicken Kiev pizza, without chicken, garlic or sweetcorn. And throw some ham on there.”

Employee: “So, you want a ham pizza?”

Customer: “Yeah, why not.”

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… And Elvis Has Left The Building!

, , , | Right | November 30, 2007

Me: “Thank you for calling [Video Rental store].”

Her: “Yes, I see in your ad this week that you have Happy Feet out.”

Me: “Yes, it’s out for the Playstation 2.”

Her: “That’s not the movie?”

Me: “No, it is not.”

Her: “When is it coming?”

Me: “It’s out in theaters right now. We have no date on when it is coming.”

Her: “Well is there anything that can show my grandkids how to do the dance?”

Me: “Not that I am aware of.”

Her: “Well I got this book for my grandkids and it shows the penguins…” *goes on for what feels like an HOUR about some book and teaching them some dance from the movie. I sorta doze on and off since her voice is very… shall I say… monotone, flat, and boring. Finally…* “…so the main reason why I’m calling.”

Me: (you mean to tell me all this was a SECONDARY reason why you called?) “Yes ma’am.”

Her: “Do you believe in Christ?”

Me: “Uh…” *customer comes up with stackfull of DVDs* “I gotta go now. Bye.” *hangs up phone*

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Not Just Any Warm Crunchy Bread, Mind You

, , | Right | November 26, 2007

Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at the menu*

(Three minutes later:)

Me: “I’ll come ba–”

Hobo: “I want some toast!”

Me: “Okay, toast is all. I’ll be right back.”

Hobo: “Yeah, that’s what I want… French toast.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Hobo: “I want some French toast. How much does that cost?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have French toast.”

Hobo: “Then what do you have?”

Me: “Um… toast?”

Hobo: “Toast? What’s that?”

*long pause*

Me: “Warm, crunchy bread, sir.”

Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm, crunchy bread!”


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