(I go clothes shopping with my mother and a family friend. I’ve always been kind of “fashion impaired,” so my mother is in the fitting room with me as a kind of assistant and sapient mirror. All of a sudden, there is a knock on the door. Thinking it must be our friend, I open it, and come face to face with some strange woman.)

Woman: “Oops! Sorry, I didn’t know this was occupied.”

(Fair enough. Thinking nothing else of it, I close the door.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! You just slammed the door in my face! That is the rudest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!“

(Yes, she really said it was the rudest thing she’d ever seen, so while I’m contemplating how sheltered her life must be, my mom pokes her head out of the booth to speak to the still-ranting woman.)

Woman: “Your daughter slammed the door in my face!”

Mom: “No, sweetie, she didn’t slam the door. It’s the door; it just slams.”

(The woman doesn’t believe my mom. Eventually, Mom just gives up and closes the door.)

Woman: “Now you slammed the door in my face! How rude!“

(Eventually she went away. Mom and I had a good laugh, and for the rest of the evening, any slight offense was “the RUDEST thing I’d ever seen in my life!”)

(I work at a fast food joint that’s connected to a gas station. We open at six in the morning, but the gas station is open 24 hours. At night, there’s only one person in the gas station. Just as my coworkers and I are opening for the day, a few seconds after we unlock the doors and turn the lights on in the lobby, this guy comes in.)

Guy: “I want to speak to your manager.”

(I tell my manager that someone is here and wants to talk to her. She comes over and signs me into the register, but he just stares and doesn’t say anything until she goes in to the back.)

Guy: “Did you just clock in?”

Me: “No, I was just getting logged into the register. What can I get for you today?”

(He looks around nervously and scans the parking lot behind him from the counter. He then mumbles something and leaves. I go and tell my other coworkers about this guy. A little bit later, one of my coworkers is in the back stock room where the back drive-thru window is. She spots him at the window looking inside, studying the stockroom. They stare at each other for a few seconds, but then she freaks out and runs away. We then go tell the people working at the gas station, and they say that he has been here since two am and spent three hours in the bathroom. They say they should have called the cops but didn’t because they thought he was just a dumba**. After the shift change in the gas station, one of the managers over there calls the cops because the guy’s car is still there but no one knows where he is. The cops come, and we tell them what happened, and then I spot him out in the parking lot trying to get in his car. He then goes to the gas station and asks:)

Guy: “So, I guess the cops have my car keys, huh?”

Gas Station Employee: “No, but the cops are on their way.”

(He is standing right by their office, and then he disappears. We’re told to keep an eye out for him if he comes back. It turns out he has gone into the gas station’s office and stockroom and is trying to hide in there! One of the employees spots him in there after a while and goes and tells the cops, who are standing around outside. The guys runs out of the office and into our lobby and he asks us:)

Guy: “Uh, you guys got anyone off that can give me a ride somewhere? I need to get out of here.”

(The cops cornered him. We later found out that the guy was wanted in two different states and was arrested!)

(My woodshop teacher tells us this story, and it is one of his more memorable ones. A couple years ago there was a girl in his class who was known to wear less-than-appropriate clothing, and on this day she was wearing a crop top showing her belly button. This is important to note, as well as the fact that she has no martial arts or sports training. Also, this teacher is known for throwing items.)

Girl: “Hey, Mr. [Teacher], can you please cut me this piece of wood?”

Teacher: “Of course, one sec.”

(He then throws the piece of wood which he is currently working on towards the wood recycling. He accidentally lets go early, causing the jagged piece of wood with splinters EVERYWHERE to fly towards the girl’s belly button.)

Girl: “Oh, yeah, Mr. [Teacher]? Can you check my worksheet after this? I had some questions.”

(She then proceeds to catch the piece of wood between two fingers, right as it is about to hit her, and continues to speak. She twirls it around as everyone stares at her in awe, and she looks down to realize she is holding a piece of wood.)

Girl: “Where did this come from?”

(I’m a new legal assistant in a district attorney’s office, and have only recently moved to the state, so I haven’t had contact with many locals. The phone rings:)

Me: “District Attorney’s office. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

(I write down the caller ID’s phone number and displayed name.)

Defendant: “I need to speak to the district attorney.”

Me: “He’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

Defendant: “Why the f*** would I want you to take a f****** message?! I want to speak to the f****** district attorney! I don’t want to leave another f****** message!” *lather, rinse, repeat in variations*

Me: *in every pause he makes* “Sir… Sir… Sir… Sir…”

(I hold the phone away from my ear, so the other legal assistant can hear, too, and look over at her.)

Coworker: “That’s [Defendant]. Just hang up. He’s the guy who lives in the abandoned hotel in [Tiny Town] and who the [Small Town] librarian had to kick out because he was trying to bathe in the library bathroom sink, and left the bathroom so filthy you wouldn’t believe it. And just wait until you see him in court!”

Me: “I’m afraid to ask what he’s done in court.”

Coworker: “He’ll take off his shoe and sock, and the bandages, and show the judge his amputated toes.”

Me: “You can’t make this s**t up.”

(THIS time, he claimed to have MRSA!)

(I am answering the phone at the front desk of the hotel where I work.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I need to make a reservation.”

Me: “Great, I can definitely help you with that! What day will you be arriving?”

Caller: *scoffs* “Oookaay; guess I am a f****** idiot, then!

Me: *quite taken aback* “I am sorry, sir?”

Caller: “I said, ‘I guess I am a f****** idiot!’”

Me: *confused and not really sure how to respond* “Um… Sir, I’m sorry, but why do you think that?”

Caller: “You just called me a f****** idiot!”

Me: *shocked* “No, sir! I can assure you I said nothing remotely close to that statement!”

Caller: *sounding genuinely surprised* “Oh, you didn’t?”

Me: “No, sir, I did not! I just asked when you would be arriving! I apologize if that sounded like I said something else, but I can promise you I would never speak to a guest like that!”

Caller: *completely nonplussed and cheerful as if nothing happened* “Okay, then, I need a room with a king-sized bed for the 12th.”

(The rest of the phone call was normal, but I still have no idea why this guy thought would just nonchalantly insult customers!)